So today I’m going to sit on the bus and go to Moscow for the exams. What am I feeling? Actually relief. It is not because of the exams or life changing process but because I am going to Moscow which means I’ll be able to walk there and visit my favorite places. It means being at the town. For some reason, it takes me an easiness. It would be perfect if there was a flat of mine.
On the road to the bus station, I met NastyaH who was coming to the hospital. Our talk was fun and friendly, I’d got that people had misunderstood my silence and I should be more open with them. Then I luckily bought a ticket and walked down the road on foot. It even seemed marvelous. I mean the idea to stay at the same place. Everything is easy and understandable enough.
At home, I packed the backpack and downloaded some films for the road. The thing I found out is that feature films are rather boring for me right now, I cannot watch them as much as before. I’ve got one Jim Carey’s comedy – perfect for the road and the documentaries by Parfenov (which I really like). Speaking of documentaries I must say that for me it’s an easy and convenient way to know the world, but this way isn’t the best. The best is traveling and connecting with a variety of people. That’s best for sure.
I even looked up the books on the war topic (the next one for mastery). It was strangely tiresome to wade through the jungle of the plots. Fiction books certainly are not so touchy for me as non-fictional. Or I just ain’t able to read it. Which is more probable. (But of course, I picked one just in case).
Actually, I have no desire to prepare for the exams, it’s weakness, yes. I have already refused to go to Spb (I watched the rating – it speaks I won’t be applied even with maximum mark. Speak nothing about my real level) The other situation happens with the local university where I certainly can enter, at least for the part-time program. And it could be interesting to have an additional diploma.
The other idea which hovers in my mind is to get a job for the weekends. I need money as much as I need independence (and privacy).
At the renewed McCafe on the Bay, there are too many people around. My mocha was delicious despite the noises around. That was so strange to notice how people drinking through a straw resemble the cows. Divided by the panels and tables they are pushed inside by some strange reflection of local fashion.
I finally send the last paper to be concerned to pass the exam at the reserve day. But some part of me has already spoken that it’s hopeless and rather expensive then rational. Surely, I’d like to see Spb once again but now it’s more important to figure out further steps. For some reason I’m lazy. Really, I am reluctant to do anything special, it’s too comfortable to stay slow. I know it’s not for a long time but now that’s so.
Actually, the question which makes me up at night is “Could I be successful in that humanities for real or should I dine in the arts again?” I’ve got that I need a balance between knowledge and practice in multiple areas, not only one. Yesterday we watched the documentary film about Spain and there was a story of a girl who lost her legs because of the terrorist’s attack. She was shining, full of life and love, she got a few higher educations, made a great career at journalism and became a happy mother. It was said by her that she and her mother just decided to be happy. It’s strong. As for me, it’s really strong and worth respect. This is the
Yesterday we watched the documentary film about Spain and there was a story of a girl who lost her legs because of the terrorist’s attack. She was shining, full of life and love, she got a few higher educations, made a great career at journalism and became a happy mother. It was said by her that she and her mother just decided to be happy. It’s strong. As for me, it’s really strong and worth respect. This is the stem we all need. And me in particular.
If I pick the documents out of the institute and be applied to the local one on the languages, I thought it could be interesting to work on being a professional artist, not a studying one. The other option is staying at the Institute, continuing the realistic way and going out in Moscow. All I need is a clear picture and tools for the progress.
Though I have written today something in English I’m to write more. As usual the morning of the exam day was glorious, calm and sunny. I did my ritually accurate make-up and even revised words and essays.
It was strange to go at the trolley bus like nothing is happening and it doesn’t matter at all. I had gone a quarter to ten when the whole class was filled. The security guard couldn’t understand the signs at my running boots but then I was greeted with many wishes of luck. I felt myself very remarkable and strange. It seemed like girls were trained like paranoid. That was such an odd sense of calm and even indifference. The observers happened to be better organised than the last time. I had the envelope with many numbers of four and nine which was the good sign.
Then, as you may quess, was the hours of concentration with chocolate and water. I don’t think my writing was good enough on terms of reasoning but I hope the best. However, I did the silly mistake which I realised after the end of the time.
There were so many school pupils in black and white clothes, they spoke with their teachers who waited for them all the time, they spoke loudly about breakouts and possible mistakes. The classical picture of young adults. Frankly I feel very independently and mature near by them. It reminds me how did I try to rebel to be myself despite all dress codes, ready to accept mindset and other. I just felt that actually nothing has changed since the very school, I still try to think by myself and get valuable things. I still don’t affraid to critisise the privicy policy at school (it’s just ridiculous and inhuman to allow such common toilets!) and looks strange working out at the break.
There were really much former pupils at the town, they were everywhere, even at the center which is usually placid that period of time. I took a cup of latte at the nice bar and walked home.
The roads were dry and clear, they were almost ready for spring. Before we went to the balcony this morning and everything had been covered with show. And since the very morning it still has been snowing.
I went outdoors not because of free slot at the time table but of huge lack of concentration. I made stupid mistakes and yawned during the whole process of writing so called essay. The pathetic topics which are far away from the real questions started with How. Today I’ve catched myself automatically writing hackneyed phrases on moral issues. People, it doesn’t help to make pupils more ethical!
Many ideas for next three months rotate in my mind as a squirrel in the wheel. A bit fruitless I mean. Mom says I think not about that. But the process of preparation has already came to extreme point. But I begin to think that the whole life can be the process of going to one “exam” to another. Life will gone anyway. I wanna say that there is no reason to be cycled on exams.
It’s the evening of the first “working” day. The sky has already darkened and the glowing garland looks pretty at the black background. We agreed to remain New Year decorations until wednesday.
I have begun the storyboard on kind of poetry I had at the entrance exam. Now I don’t want to complain about the quality (I know, I know) but to say that I have started the process and have no intention to stop. Anyway after an hour of walking along the phone I had got the call to the institute. And it’s going to be few days in Moscow next week.
But the main point to think about was my feelings. I mean fear. Ridiculous subconscious fear of mistake. I laugh at myself a lot on such things. Calls, meets, talks and decisive actions are things what look dangerous but as I do it once the illusion fades away. But I have some adequate fears about life in the student hostel. Even though it’s rubbish, I’m not a typical creative student as I have schedule, plan on year, month and week. I can count money and have some financial literacy. It sound like nothing to worry about and it’s only me. Actually I have a right to be myself as anyone has.
The progress test for english shown that I didn’t studied so diligently as necessary. However, my level seems a bit better and I can watch films without subtitles. But vacation affected the progress. I should return to daily exercises and stay on track as usual.