Today I’ve understood that I finally got sick of this routine shallow life with worries about plastic bags, products, cash and cards, endless questions of the housekeeping. I feel need to eliminate it in my life. I cannot think every time what to cook for dinner or what and where to buy. My Star Wars obsession opened me that almost forgotten the life of thinking. The joy of trying to understand things deeply, get its inner motifs, not just mechanisms to apply. This makes life more profound, more aware. It gives colours.
I couldn’t bare those hours at grandma’s house. To say nothing about talks, I found out that she didn’t really know anything about dinners. I mean, she mixed main dish and a dessert, she put utensils rudely at the centre of the table. She asked me to eat things without any order, without any finishing. And that all is OK for her as far as she is a country child. But I’ve watched so many films with the well-made dinner that I took it for myself. (Yes, I serve ahead and never mix) That’s strange how far from our ancestors we can be.
Both my mom and grandmother talk not well in Russian. I mean that they make curved sentences with many common words instead of descriptive ones. They speak about really simple things, which bore me, greatly. I don’t want to be like they are. I don’t want to have my main focus on routine stuff. But at the same time, I see how little space and triggers are there for intelligent life. The routine tasks are inevitable, I cannot eat only porridge or give up on cleaning up. That’s not an option. I need smartly eliminate it. But how?
While I was cutting the onions I watched an old documentary about Pozner. You know, to discharge my mind. But during that time, the sharp contradiction I faced so often during school and college time met me again. My grandma went to the kitchen too and was washing and moving something in our three square meters, she was talking some rubbish and expecting me to answer something on that.
The image of Pozner’s early life in the upscale environment, educated people around and variety of tasks around made me feel envy again. Surely, my life is another story, but there is something offensive in looking at wealthy life. I won’t the beauty and freedom of such lifestyle but I regret I hadn’t a possibility to be surrounded by the better environment. And surely, there is neither excuse for me nor a reason for sadness. I just see how things are linked to each other. Past and present.
Let’s write about new year eve.
Yesterday was the day of cooking and watching Sherlock the same time. I woke up late and quietly did my morning routine. Pages and to do list.
Cooking was so tiresome but quite absorbing. When I had the first dish done (vegeterian lasagne) it became much easier to cook. And yes my salad got delicious as well as meat in Burgundy.
At the evening I took the bath reading V.Woolf’s diaries (if someone is interesting) and had absolutely light feelings about everything.
To have a fun evening and night I bought the table game “Monopoly”. We made the dinner, drink and then played. Unfortunately I was winning and took money of mom all the time. After midnight she became irritated and sat to the computer. I was confused as the only thing I desired was a fun time, no more. But the nature of game (and mom’s reaction) made it tense. She said that the game is the only thing we had that night, I asked to offer something and only spoiled the situation.
It is much harder to have an active rest time rather than passive.
And I didn’t make any wish this year. I decided to make them true, not wish.