So today I’m going to sit on the bus and go to Moscow for the exams. What am I feeling? Actually relief. It is not because of the exams or life changing process but because I am going to Moscow which means I’ll be able to walk there and visit my favorite places. It means being at the town. For some reason, it takes me an easiness. It would be perfect if there was a flat of mine.
On the road to the bus station, I met NastyaH who was coming to the hospital. Our talk was fun and friendly, I’d got that people had misunderstood my silence and I should be more open with them. Then I luckily bought a ticket and walked down the road on foot. It even seemed marvelous. I mean the idea to stay at the same place. Everything is easy and understandable enough.
At home, I packed the backpack and downloaded some films for the road. The thing I found out is that feature films are rather boring for me right now, I cannot watch them as much as before. I’ve got one Jim Carey’s comedy – perfect for the road and the documentaries by Parfenov (which I really like). Speaking of documentaries I must say that for me it’s an easy and convenient way to know the world, but this way isn’t the best. The best is traveling and connecting with a variety of people. That’s best for sure.
I even looked up the books on the war topic (the next one for mastery). It was strangely tiresome to wade through the jungle of the plots. Fiction books certainly are not so touchy for me as non-fictional. Or I just ain’t able to read it. Which is more probable. (But of course, I picked one just in case).
Actually, I have no desire to prepare for the exams, it’s weakness, yes. I have already refused to go to Spb (I watched the rating – it speaks I won’t be applied even with maximum mark. Speak nothing about my real level) The other situation happens with the local university where I certainly can enter, at least for the part-time program. And it could be interesting to have an additional diploma.
The other idea which hovers in my mind is to get a job for the weekends. I need money as much as I need independence (and privacy).
I’m still with the film “Silence”. It came out of the talk with Vlad about the films at all. I couldn’t speak freely and again had no ideas what to say. It’s too difficult for me to express thought about such sacred part of life as faith. I don’t have a habit and carriage. I feel like it’s much more complicated and profound that I previously reckoned it. Therefore, it’s not a time for making clear assumptions on this. It’s time for exploring, it’s time for cleaning a place from prejudices to openness.
It’s not cinematography which made me so addicted to films but ideas and their expression. The questions it raises, the message it sends.
With such mental background, the day went gloomy. I painted a lot and couldn’t find any proper reason in communications. Once I heard that Mary was thinking about dropping out. I went to the canteen with her and asked properly. Her problem is money and lack of real study. My problem is the whole field. That was a strange pleasure of disclosure.
The painting went as usual: girls were roaming to and fro, I was painting most of the time while felt tiresome. Then half an hour before the end, I like a mouse went away the workshop to breathe fresh air of gray streets.
Watching the Nancy Meyers films the second time during two days evidently helps me to do the job I’m reluctant about. I mean plain air pictures. Now I have three not completely finished canvases instead of nothing. I don’t want to listen the silent walls and the gurgling tubes.Instead of that there is the perfect beautiful world of women over forty with their own houses and grown up children.
That made me consider about my own life by the other angle. They all have some sense of life which I lose so often under the heap of tasks to do. Those are the pleasure of being beautiful, eating delicious dishes, develop diversely all the time, work in favourite field, be the best, be yourself, stay open to people around but be able to defend yourself. In other words, it is full life of well-rounded persons. I look at this like some question to get an answer inside. Do I want this and this or its minor for me and I need different.
So my thinking process was while painting the canvas. Day by day I ascertain more and more that the painting\drawing’s way isn’t completely mine and I need some update. I feel so terrible just imagining the making the canvas and carrying it somewhere, decorating it with the hammer in hands and hanging on the walls. The handicraft is horrible to do by the young girl who wants to wear a white blouse and classic suit. Don’t you think so?
The other thing which I brought out the films is my necessity to develop my logic. It is absolutely silly now to remember how terribly I did algebra and geometry at school and how good I was at programming pascal. That wasn’t a result of my dullness but scarce motivation for study at all. And presently I have no desire to regret about it but develop logic (it was said to me so often at the college that I have strong logic that I felt absolutely strange).
Moving on to this exact day I must say that I stayed at the hostel to recover from the yesterday’s strange illness though today I’m basically OK. Evidently, I feel tired faster than usual and have some sore throat. The main reason of my skipping the lessons are the lessons. It had to be painting today and my canvas isn’t big enough, the sketches aren’t accepted and there is so little space and light for all of us but as much dirt as possible for one workshop.
My tennis skills become better with every set. My second place in the last mini-competition inspires me and shows that everything can be. It became easier to bring through myself their complaints and not so clever talks. (my spring look helps much)
When I went out a bus to change seats immediately I had felt such a fresh river air blowing from the bank. That was pure beauty with all that’s lighted windows and clear sky.
Recently I have some nervious feelings in my heart, what goes away during tennis and sleep time. I try to be tranquill and breath quietly.
The situation with diploma is queer. I have made some newest sketches for pre-cartoon but I cannot begin to realize untill it isn’t admited. Dilema. Tomorrow I should show sketches another tutor and then phone my own to schedule an appointment. That is all at the beginning.
Also I’ve got the comprehension about my usual sense of loneliness. This is quiet easy to see that I have no real percieved person in front of my days whom I could have some talks with. This was easy I said.
And of course about “Birdman”. Omitting the details the Sam’s monologue was like a scream of our time, our society, it’s own inner senses. Like a mirror. The whole film does completely philosophical evaluate of our present life.