I want to be honest with myself and not hide my own laziness and weakness in perspective of the future rereading of these notes.
The whole day I could observe the variety of gray clouds above geometry of housing area. It went to the right verge of the window as well as rare planes flying somewhere from the nearest airport. My sketches were put on the bed in order to be observed, and pencils were at the table to use them directly. I did draw the sketches, yes. But the more frequent move was the escape. It took different forms like watching book reviews, refreshing Instagram, reading the university sites, making tea, eating dried fruits, going to the kitchen to fry the lunch. After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”.
After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”. Maybe, my vision changed by the influence of constant watching the classic, but it seemed me so scarce and hard to understand that couldn’t believe I liked it years ago.
In a word, the whole day I tried to avoid working on the mastery in a proper way. But the truth is that I must do this and there is no other way but actually working on it. It reminds me the way I successfully avoided some tasks on the book art course; I had them done as quickly as possible in the most concentrated condition (which is the effort, not the mood to wait). So I need to have this done, it’s decided.
Perhaps, I can sound pathetically, but I suppose I need to come back to the idea of the essence of life. It means the understanding of every single day as a part of your own life. Nobody procrastinates in dreams, but everybody achieves. Isn’t it simple? What is great and exciting for me to achieve during this seven weeks? The answer is certainly not “have watched all book reviews on YouTube” or be in touch with every picture on Instagram. Sometimes I really want to turn them off and leave only the Anki-droid and Dictionary. As I understood I totally cannot accept the work on somebody, I need to be responsible and independent. (the bad side of which is inconsistency and uncertainty) I need to feel my own control over my own life.
So, it’s heavy shower outside. The hostel is tranquil as any place under the rain. The warm light of lamps at the empty quite corridors with dark grey colour of weather. I did exercises at the drawing room which was really strange as nobody were to do it too. I made and ate breakfast alone as I was the first person at the obscure kitchen without a window. While eating I unwillingly remember that such square meal is the remain of UK trip. We did eat almost the same way, the only difference was toasts with jam or butter.
However, this is the great morning of rain I have many words to type and say. But basically it concerns to institute and the character of applicants as well as teachers. Yesterday while drawing the head I was considering either feeling so uncomfortable and unhappy there is good or it is just a part of unpleasant process of exams and people around. Sometimes I even have a panic (yes, with plain face) that it’s not absolutely my way. Though I know it’s ok to doubt I can notice that I force myself to go to the insitute rather than fly there zealously. There are many new ideas which came during this time. Printing books and devise the concept, making sketchbooks, shooting music videos, painting studies, English stuff, writing essays etc.
But the general situation at the institute is going good for me. One girl went the distance and took her documents out just because of the idea of bad drawing and painting. Nice for me, shame for her. To my own manners with other applicants, it is rather removed and shallow. It would be interesting to mix with a few girls but I don’t want to combine the competition and relationships. It is much easier when you do not know people and move in own direction.
I had been sitting at the hall for a few minutes longer as I texted Mary. She couldn’t go out with me then and I comforted myself with the lonely way to the station. But Nastya Ch. was waiting for me downstairs. Such moments I get that I do not understand something crucial. It is so torturous to hear her narrow-minded replies. Maybe my dislike is the result of the contrast between her enthusiasm about animation and my motivation’s slack. The relief was reading of “Make it stick” the rest of the road.
Today, it will be a miraclous day as we are to draw a nude model and this is almost the last day of the practical exams.
The grey day most of which I feel tired and exhusted. Before the dinner it was a torture to outline ideas for the storyboard. It’s so hard to follow the rules(suggestions) and make creative pictures with expression and fantasy. I found out that my mind is empty about the strange situations at the train station or at the exhibition. And it was so easy to plunge into my fantasies that most of that time I was sitting moveless trying to find the gold in my mind. Only rubbish. My head dizzied and I wanted nothing. Hate such moments but I wrote my thoughts down and got some ideas for overcoming such a BIG BIG problem. I’m looking forward the time at home, it will be full of business and growth. I hope, I know.
Now it’s hard to do many things and there is no desire to describe it. I need more space or just the sign to begin. Or just begin. I have gone to the conclusion that I need to remind myself about all that stuff more frequently because it is so easy to forget and hover above clouds without anything done.
At the painting my head had been still dizzying but I tryed really hard to improve the canvas. Of course, the still life isn’t the product of adequate painter but the training. I still don’t connect with other girls as everytime I feelmyself much older, wiser and proficent than they are. And it’s hard to paint and talk the same time. The teacher asked me again about the education and was satisfied with my work. But I totally dislike his manners and the assertion that there is no artist who draw like twenty years ago. Common, come into the Glazunov’s academy and you’ll see!
I went out without Nastya and spoke with myself until the very subway. Why am I so tired? I need to schedule and sort things out.
People with florish baloons at the grey streets. Little brother and sister sell it in front of the trade centre with all good intentions to earn pocket money. And they had done it during twenty minutes. Roads, cars and windows of trolley-buses are in filth of damp ground. There is much less snow and much more puddles but no grass. Is it spring?
The trade center is full of people with furious eyes and bags in hand. Even the book store is crowded. Touching textbooks for english, textbooks for law and philosophy. And no purchases as usual. It is hard to broke the habit of strong economy even with sufficient money. Say no to casual purchases ever.
The vague stomachache and head pressure make the grimace of the face angry and irritated. Being out of home doesn’t mean feeling better. Noise and boredom of shop windows and unfamiliar crowds.
Grey grey holiday.
The detail of the day was on morning. I came on the second lesson and found our workshop almost empty. Stage was very simple – just three draperies. (with the sitter it’s really good) But the main thing was about our teacher. He was drunk. Really. Girls sniggered about it and called fanny, but for me that was a fall down of him. I recognised traits of speech and gestures of my dad when he was that way too. And all I felt was anger. Anger and full disappointment. There was my sincere bewilderment of girl’s reaction (It’s OK, just very fanny that’s all). After we had known about new orders of checking student’s attendance something like a abyss opened inside. Statue in the grey workshop. It’s me.
After lessons I went home looking up the sky and rewatching images and thoughts of my mind. I have them on the case of this greyness. It’s just a test. Continue do.