I’m happy, I’m smiling, I feel free. And no matter I’ve just come home from the third viewing of the Eighth episode. I blamed myself a long time, pushed down and forced to not to give in desires. But afterwards, I gave my free will space, I allowed myself to not to be adequate and socially confirmed. I did what I liked to. And now I feel free and light. I made a promise to myself to not to read articles about the ninth episode, no theories, no photos at Kinopoisk. I’m going to forget about it for two years and when it comes I will simply watch a trailer and go to the cinema as an obligation without any idea what emotional impact I had.
This morning I’ve got that there is no point in creating a new script in my head. It’s already written by professional script-writers, and I have no power to influence them. I have no control over it, so I’m better to stop supposing, assuming and making up my own story.
Today I have seen emotions, and inner intentions even more clear than before. Surely, I was calm and observant. The freshness of the picture went away as well as those deep emotions I had. Rationality and calmness have stayed.
I was thinking over my first reaction and found out some answers to the questions of my own behaviour. I’m truly vulnerable to big emotions, I can feel pain made by people. Therefore I try to avoid pain and other emotions too. Just in case. I can feel an offence or excitement too deeply to stay strong. And emotions are overwhelming, they take a lot of energy (or give it) so it’s easier to escape. Probably, this pattern made me feel connected to the Kylo Ren’s story. Finally, I could see myself in the piece of art.
P.S. When I was climbing up the stairs it just came to my mind that partially Kylo Ren is right. Past must die. But I attach myself so often to the past situations, relationships, and dreams. I know Nastya has her own life without me, there is no place for me. I know it, but I still feel a bit offended by her silence. It hurts me that she hasn’t spoken to me anything about her current love relationship (and I know why). I must let it free. Those are her choices, which are not under my control. I must release past when it goes away, and start anew without any regrets and complaints. I’m better to leave the personal failures in the past and goes forward freely.
At the renewed McCafe on the Bay, there are too many people around. My mocha was delicious despite the noises around. That was so strange to notice how people drinking through a straw resemble the cows. Divided by the panels and tables they are pushed inside by some strange reflection of local fashion.
I finally send the last paper to be concerned to pass the exam at the reserve day. But some part of me has already spoken that it’s hopeless and rather expensive then rational. Surely, I’d like to see Spb once again but now it’s more important to figure out further steps. For some reason I’m lazy. Really, I am reluctant to do anything special, it’s too comfortable to stay slow. I know it’s not for a long time but now that’s so.
Actually, the question which makes me up at night is “Could I be successful in that humanities for real or should I dine in the arts again?” I’ve got that I need a balance between knowledge and practice in multiple areas, not only one. Yesterday we watched the documentary film about Spain and there was a story of a girl who lost her legs because of the terrorist’s attack. She was shining, full of life and love, she got a few higher educations, made a great career at journalism and became a happy mother. It was said by her that she and her mother just decided to be happy. It’s strong. As for me, it’s really strong and worth respect. This is the
Yesterday we watched the documentary film about Spain and there was a story of a girl who lost her legs because of the terrorist’s attack. She was shining, full of life and love, she got a few higher educations, made a great career at journalism and became a happy mother. It was said by her that she and her mother just decided to be happy. It’s strong. As for me, it’s really strong and worth respect. This is the stem we all need. And me in particular.
If I pick the documents out of the institute and be applied to the local one on the languages, I thought it could be interesting to work on being a professional artist, not a studying one. The other option is staying at the Institute, continuing the realistic way and going out in Moscow. All I need is a clear picture and tools for the progress.
Certainly life isn’t a monument what disable to move without disaster of its own. I feel life like a water stream passing through stones and junctions. An awareness of ability to change your life as an awareness of reality of another ways give me some freedom. Basically I say freedom of change gives me happiness. Time goes so quickly than it doesn’t really matter. To life live what is matter. Now I understand again than not at all happiness is a result of aims and achievements but your inner sense of your own life.
Happiness it’s when you know about people who better than you in different parts, you know about major of perils around you like war, killers or wicked men. You know about presence of dark side in life but also you know that you are yourself. You’re the one in this single life. No life is better than your (problems are with everyone) and you have everything to be happy, to make your favourite work, to read books you like or watch pictures. You’re free. Despite of news are bad, snow is still white and soft. In this world there is some second layer what saves things are constant. Mona Lisa would be smiling even if one deceived another. Only decorates change in time. No one is able to humiliate you if you don’t do it.