Moscow application 2017

After the kind and lovely film with Jim Carey, after the strange dream at five a.m. I opened eyes at Moscow suburb. There was warm springy Sun and people were slowly going somewhere. Finally, I felt nothing but some faint romantic relief in my breast. The closer I was to the hostel tenser I became. At the dark room at a half to eight, there was my unpleasant roommate. But moreover, her being there, her things were put on my bed in some terrible disorder, there were lots of sacks everywhere. OK, I just had no desire to lecture her, so I was simply angry. Surely, nobody cleaned the common room and the bathroom had become horribly dirty. Someone used my sponge, toilet paper, and dishwashing liquid. Fun isn’t it. That was a point I lost any respect for them. I had to change the room a long time ago and live in a tiny but clean and friendly environment.

Quite strange but my heart was silent while I was going to the Institute (to pay for the hostel) and some thoughts were flawed in my mind. Probably, I exaggerate, but there was an empty space and I couldn’t feel anything warm inside. I didn’t want to be noticed and as fast as I found the cash-desk closed I went away. People who were going there made me feel so different and some kind of lonely.

At the favorite street, I firstly walked a bit to feel that terrific vibes. Then despite all my desire to walk farther, I came back to the library. You know libraries are so good spaces for learning. Even me in a sad state of mind with all those low self-esteem stuff could focus there and just learn something. Before I got hunger I managed many things and came around to the idea of the usefulness of the libraries.

The cafe I came in was as usual wonderful. I took great soap and a potato, I was sitting there “as usual” looking at the people who just had lunch. Only there I could frankly think about changing the wardrobe. Then that was the bookshop where my sense of strangeness was high. I never really buy books. If I buy them it’s never that romantic long process, it’s more like a deal.

Then again library, low self-esteem and the idea that it’s going to fail. At that library, it often comes to my mind that the thing I study is so primary comparing with their exam preparations and other activities. But finally, it’s OK, nobody matters.

After some time I went for a walk at the center. It was shining with Sun and good looking people around. I visited an old bookshop, drunk coffee and ate a burger at the quiet square by the university campus. There was so wonderful sight. And no tourists around. But I must confess that my only and the most important problem is the sharp loneliness. The great city in its blossom but I don’t want anything alone. And I feel even more alienated than ever. Adding the common recent state I try not to cry because of the stupidity of the roommate. Isn’t it silly? I just must work on my network.

Autumn-like day at home

_MG_6349It’s not only raining today but it’s darkening with every hour. I can see it through the window.  The whole day I am sitting with the history book, laptop, and cup of tea. Honestly, my mind is rather full of new ideas and some anxiety than the laser focus on the twenty century’s events. That’s why I still struggle with the lack of concentration and understanding. It seems even hopeless now. I feel weak when I want to say “It’s too much for me! I’m sick of history”.

My page at the notebook with the plans for August is almost full. At the finish line, all thoughts are about post exams time. I want some emotional relief after that. Maybe it seems strange to hear, but the main reason for the emotional burnout is my unexpected desire and some ideas for the paintings and more. The last notes at the notebook all are the IDEA ones. The other desire is simple and trivial one – earn money.

One of my coursemates is having a vacation at the seaside abroad. Surely, I could be envy about it but as it was said to my mom “I could make up the better way to spend that money”. I mean education and the development. No vacation while I don’t have a proper professional position and some real constant profits. It isn’t time for enjoying the benefits, it’s time for raising them.

But this evening we actually are going to watch something and go to bed early as we both are tired of such weather and routine.

Monday

This is so wonderful but nervous to run through the wet street to the lesson and try to keep up with the small talk about nothing. I hurried but the moment I turned to the audience it was clear – nobody can enter the class. There was small but pleasant talk with cinema scholars and other girls – what a great choice for talking! Then it was a mistake to sit with the same girls I went there. But OK, I let other people enjoy talking to the teacher and discussions. Not all have Saturday’s lessons.

The content was great as usual, with lots of contradictions and topics for reflection or deeper research. Sometimes it seemed hard to catch the red thread but I tried to make such exercises. And there is nowhere to go without the mind lapse when I feel a vacuum in my head which gradually transforms into the images. The magic of thinking. As fast as the lecture had ended and the teacher was ready to discuss something hugely interesting I had to go downstairs.

There was the class of non-Russian speaking people who was to study the language. The small chaotic room with the little blackboard and mess of papers in the cupboard. The female teacher cried loudly as it was an audience for fifty students. There were some evident foreigners as Chinese and Uzbek, and some unrecognizable persons looked like Bulgarian. Two Americans. There were too active and noisy, the study wasn’t effective (to my opinion – little constructive explanations). I tried to focus on the translating pre-intermediate level sentences. I realized that I usually work at the good environment for concentration and don’t have a habit of working in bothering surroundings. But I did my best allegedly it was a serious task. (I often make silly mistakes)

Sitting in the canteen with the girls and eating my noodles with chicken I had already felt exhausted. The effect of efficiency. But it was the painting which was on the agenda else. The workshop had a diffused spirit when I came. The regular, habitual movements with the hands and brushes. Some moments it seemed endurable, some – terribly boring. As it eats up my life. After two highly focused hours, I decided to go away and did so. There is no need to suffer and loaf around the workshop.

The neighbor can come today but I don’t worry at all.

Historical Saturday

It was a failure to wake up at the late morning just because of the cellphone’s bag. No swimming pool but the omelette with onion and coffee. Some notes during the rest of the time. I try to figure out, to clear up all thoughts in my mind into the coherent strategy. Watching some motivational videos throw me back to the condition of development in the mentality at least.

At the street, there was so fresh damp air that I could feel it like in Saint Petersburg or just any place with oxygen everywhere. I bought the ticket to Peter and was happy about that. It’ll be just two days there, just weekend.

The main event of the day is evidently the lesson of Images of the past (or material history of Russia). I went there with great pleasure and the idea of all the possibilities of the life, therefore, was quite positive. The topic, approach and connection between the teacher and students were so organic and highly interesting that I went out for the lunch with the head full of thoughts. Mainly I tried to figure out what for the church make new saints and why murderers (matter of fact) become saints just because of the distraction of the enemy. He couldn’t answer my questions as they were out of historical facts but rather sophisticated human being’s nature.

At the lunch listening to girls’ complaints was unbearable and I replied them something abstract. It’s boring to moan and nag but absolutely interesting to think up, create and found out. The lunch actually was terrible and I got that lunch boxes aren’t just financially good but more tasty else.

To the end of the lesson, I was so excited that hadn’t accepted to go straight to the hostel but to the Coffee Shop. There I did regret about that and decided to not to visit sweet shop ever. The taste of coffee and sugary cakes are so terrible and heavy that it rather overloads you than makes some joy.

I will read the historical document which is a part of the homework now.

In need for clever enviroment

After yesterday’s late watching the film, I hardly could get up at usual 5 o’clock. So I went out the hostel a bit late but still manageable to come in time. Leaving the building I could see the two girls who usually go such time. Regularly I come to them and begin to chat about nothing and very fast I have to listen silly reflections on evident things. But today the only perspective of listening their rubbish made me control the speed, look carefully and try not to talk to them at all. That became strange as soon as they noticed me. At the last turn I spoke to them about my history purchases but it hadn’t become a conversation.

At the history auditorium it was dark and the students were sitting with their cellphones. I sat to Nastya but quickly went to turn on the light. Then it was possible to say hi to everyone and sit besides one of the cinema studies’ student. During the lecture itself I felt so happy to think and be able to recognise some facts. So the mist of Russian past is slowly disappearing. That was the best lesson of the day and as a result I had a few leaves of notes and ready plan to read up about the topic.

The only reason to sit with sleepy Nastya at the free breakfast time was my reluctance to go directly to the workshop. That was boring as usual. The first lesson of painting is perfect time to work a bit harder than typically, so I do. Everyone was focused on the set and did what had to be done at the normal study. The teacher’s advice and approach couldn’t touch or influence on me. I didn’t want to go out to look at the evident imperfections to the corridor therefore he said literally “Why you are so lazy!”. Common baby, face up someone’s puerility!

After the insipid lunch the painting went worse. In a moment the case became harder and much more tiresome than before. Music helped a little but I still was in a condition of boredom. The last lesson my main entertainment and food for thought was T. Chernigovskya’s lecture. That was a rain for the dried desire of my mind. Another brain stimulation which proof for me again that I NEED to read clever books and connect with clever  people this or that way.

The thought she said at the very beginning and which is so similar to my own condition now, was about her profession. She got the place at the university as an English teacher, but after a year of teaching she was terrified by the idea of wasting her life on lecturing the grammar rules and being bored all the time. So she diverted to Cognitive Science. The evident parallel to me standing in front of the canvas in great drabness forced me to think clearly and bigger. I’ve already got a good an idea, but there is still  some doubts.

With the lecture I could turn off the world of vulgar straightforward talking and total distraction. I could laugh at her smart jokes and make quick notes by the way. Look up Schrodinger’s cat. There are so many curious things and not answered questions, there is a space for contemplation. And this make me feel better despite the need for progress in the Mastery.

Meet with Mary

Snowflakes in the windy air of relaxed town rotated so beautiful that I immediately forgot about all that weekly hardship. Mary didn’t come in time as usual and moreover she called me to say she was in the bank because of some ATM problem. We agreed to meet at the center. I was too relaxed to exchange the idea of walk to hostel’s routine. So I went there and we meet at the underground. That’s not so good to meet after the delay and my discontent.

At the streets we immediately ensued to be at the book store where I was looking for the history textbook while she glimpsed some bestsellers. Surely, I was fond of beautiful cover design and quality of production for all books around. But as usual I rationally got the needed textbooks and we directed to the coffee shop.

As far as I saw that I’d got that all I want is to eat something not just drink coffee. And we left the student-oriented modern cozy cafe, did two steps right and entered the Georgian cafe. That was full and noisy. Children who produced a lot of noise were at the workshop on making the cakes. That was a lovely picture of kids romping with pastry and the mold. The interior was full of New Year decorations like the tree and wreathes, warm lamps created private atmosphere though there were two simultaneous birthday parties.

It was pretty upscale for me, but I tried really hard to choose the affordable dishes. Our talks were scarce. That was really hard for me to think up something clever and fun the same time, to find some topic I will passionately provide and discuss. My weekly obsession and desire to get out emerged. It was almost said that I’m not glad with study process. I couldn’t see any theme out of my daily life with tasks and people to speak or not. Life in the box.

She was in the light dress with flourish prints. Her talks about the yoga workshop and psychology books were kind of common. Self-development and comfort zone concepts. But after all tea, coffee and hatchapuri we went to the snowy little street. the way was long and strange but we managed to speak out.

You know the problems are the same for all of us. The conflicts with neighbours, desire for private life and better living conditions for making a family. She wants to get a family but this is hard in the big glamorous city. Boys like easy life without responsibility, as she said. So Mary decided to go back to the hometown in a year if the situation will stay the same. Happiness is more important than legitimacy.

So we said good-bye at the metro crossroad and I went down with light rested mind.

The typical but very talkish Thusday

This day was nice and full of talks and simultaneous ideas struck into my head.

The morning was calm and usual. I filled in the last spread at the blue notebook. The content was the schedule of work to do for getting everything done – it is very sobering. Then I read aloud my history report, got the idea it’s an evident failure of thought and go out to the institute.

On the way I met a girl who once said “How can you be bored studying at vgik?”. We discussed Russian history, the fiction cartoon on historical protagonists, dentists, sleep mode and just the history reports. So we went to the class where I stand up the first to talk. I felt that I my speech was uneven and voice was hoarse. To my mind it was terrible. The message I could convey was incoherent, pictures were scarce and not as good as could. There was some applause when I sat down. Of course I immediately took the notebook and wrote some notes on better farther appearances. Surely I need and want more presentation practice.This is like a theatre of ideas.

I talked with one people en route to the canteen, then with other on the table, farther I met a girl at the elevator and conversed with her the rest of the lunch break. That was Sonya who I met at the first and second swimming’s training. Like me she hardly can swim therefore we were at the same track trying not to drown. We basically discussed the situation (politics or strategy) of institute’s masters and great luck of major study. She described in all details the process of homework discussion with their teacher. That’s ridiculous and sad. It’s sad because of a lot of time killing instead of analyses,  theory, troubleshooting and real working. She graduated from the famous Moscow school without any problem in science but she decided to attend to the art school to satisfy some inner desire. And now as she said her behaviour is kind of rebellion from the typical. Sonya doesn’t take part in the idle long chatting at the workshop and just do her work on the projects. We flattered to each other about the level of the speech, she said I liked to connect with her because of the speech not the age (18) evidently. It was totally fine to talk with her.

Controversially to our intelligent clever talk was the noise of girls at the anatomy. That was so embarrassing to find out that the normally looking girl with good speaking on cinema actually has some age problems (sexual character). After the lesson I needed some rest from all those people and silly talks. I took the snickers, sat at the new second on the sofa and for five minutes just ate the chocolate.

The next lesson at the cinema class was usual, quite usual. The teacher incoherently remembered his life experience and collaboration with artsy people. The film on “Gladiator” production had some interesting details but was basically entertaining and this is why noisy and full of water. Margo slept on the film so I couldn’t discuss anything with her.

The last lesson I struggled to read the article about UN. The pleasure of new information versus tiresome and noise of lecture. The way back to the hostel I talked to Vlad about hot 2012 year when the election happened. Now I am sitting here, need to revise the english lesson and go to sleep.

Lots of theory

f2185c1c98d3b27bf9d10f84782734a3It is so easy to forget the habit of writing everyday. The truth is that I am doing study the history of art the second day (I mean the whole day). And it was really strange to stay at home with a heap of gothic churches today. After four hours of really hard learning I’d got the horrible truth – I’d read only ten pages. Can you believe this? I cannot. Evidently, only sitting, reading and summing up don’t work for me. I need to collaborate, to move the body. The day I was reading the paragraph to mom was more useful though I’d got headache. Speaking and explaining the ideas and facts aloud is good for understanding. The other way I did (or maybe not) someday is to read walking. But the problem of writing emerges. Yep, dilemma. The week is going to end tomorrow but I am only beginning the Renessance.

On this background my desire to paint increases like prices  the amount of green outdoor. But I feel that I need to study and do my best right now without silly justifications like “Nobody will ask me this at the exam”. I do remember that everything I practice is for my own awareness, skillfulness and ability to work with information.

During the brake at the trade center I observed and noticed people. I’d never felt myself so strange before but it was interesting. I had not tryed to focus on people instead of clothes at the shops ever. I made an impression of looking for something but looked actually on the way salers mix and people choose. The electronic shop was terrifying because of the TV walls which reminded me the Bradbury’s novel. The salers were bored and tired. Some watched the series. I would suggest anyone to change the location for brainstorming and inspiration. At least it is really helpful for me.