The Sun is shining once upon a time. My slowness is all about the preparation or particularly the six days of preparation in a row. I know this all fundamentally good for me but this morning I astonishingly realized that for many years summer time was no more than just a hot time in open shoes. And what is the reason? To say nothing about badly established town’s beaches and parks, which are unchangeable for many years. Every summer I have something to do and that deals obsess me. However, the main reason is not the deals but my strange idea that everyone gets rest, enjoys the life but I still sit over the books and gradually transform into a nerd. That’s what I always was afraid of. And maybe that’s the main reason of feeling strange being at the work table the whole day. Not the summer.
Today is the day of the Republic. It never made me any sense of holiday or whatever. I’ve found the new lecture by Chernigovskya and want to make little shopping.
What a strange day of damp deep gray streets and sadness above all the events. There was an early getting up and productive history lesson (though I didn’t answer questions). But then at the painting, I dived in the process. All waited for Vlad who promised the cakes for today’s celebration. When he came it appeared that he did the cakes by himself at the slow cooker. WOW – was a reaction of all the girls and me.
The celebration itself was actually ok. Certainly, it didn’t make me happy or anything else. It still is rather an obligation for me. Now it heavens with food preferences. The teachers brought the cakes too, and champagne with the appetizer. It was too much. Is alcohol at the midday such a good idea? Maybe from their angle. I diluted it with juice but felt it’s wrong yet. The atmosphere was easy-going, I could hear some close talks at the both sides of the table. But still, it seemed to me boring for some invisible reason.
Afterward, I painted more than usual and left the workshop to rest from all that heaviness. I went out a bit earlier than all as I hadn’t a cartoon for the study. At the hostel, there remained no desire to invest into mastery but to do lovely things. What a dilemma! Being a good student or being joyful.
I need some private life, some people of the institute to go out, talk and drink tea. Sometimes it’s simply terrible to sit in front of the screen in the evenings, without anyone lovely besides.
Yes, it’s the last day of our little holiday. The time out of the institute ends up. Pity. I have already begun feeling freedom and opportunities of spare time. To say nothing about the philosophy course I found on Coursera, as the only history takes a lot. But frankly, I do want a lot just because it’s interesting. It’s interesting and I go with the flow of my passions. Otherwise, the decay can be inevitable.
Two times during this holiday I went to the swimming pool, and both times were fascinating. The first we were learned to work with foot and hands. We figured out that I have the great buoyancy. The second time we were to swim at the central track which is frightening. You know, no bottom underneath. But my fear made me only to swim faster and focus even more. Not to drown. Some moment I got it’s not probable that I would drown though the first ten minutes I felt exhausted. We all managed to swim to and fro the whole track a few times which seemed me hardly possible at the beginning. But I managed with the idea that sport forces you to withstand the hardship. And it’s normal.
That was miraculous to go to the swimming pool and read the modern poetry like nothing could distract me. Afterward, go to the shop and buy something tasty to reward me. Harmony.
But two times I did a silly thing to remember Czech times, exactly, I bought a beer. The first was wishy-washy, the second made me dizzy for the rest of the day. And such result forced me to make a resolution not to repeat.
Today I want to go out though there is a bunch of work (which I have no intention to do and I can foresee some trouble with the session with art subjects). But as Economics’ crash course says doing something you don’t do something else.
Yesterday barbecue was nice. At the morning I refreshed the institute’s site too often to say I was calm. There was some tint of general tiresome and sullen mood. However, I looked better than usual in white outfit. I followed the girls at the market while I tumbled at them among vegetables. I embraced with Jane who looked as usual stylish and natural. And it seemed that she was really glad to see me as well as other girls. There were Nastya H., Katya (with new haircut), Helen with her brother and Masha. The process of purchase was a bit chaotic but had its final with a few bottles of wine, vegetables, fruits and other meal.
As they begun little earlier I wasn’t aware of what’s going on and couldn’t take part immediately. I found out that I had no idea of picnic’s necessities and how to organise eight people with purchases and two cars. During the road me and Nastya H. talked about the news among the college’s people. In a moment we’d been at the other republic on the other side of the river Volga. The mountains of sand and high trees.
I couldn’t control the process, it went on by itself. The Helen’s brother cooked, girls cut the vegetables and watermelon which we ate immediately. Talks were short and distant. I found out that the present habit to make photos and catch the frame faded away and I needed to force myself for doing something. There were wine and bear, bees and wasps. Chaos of disposable tableware and swipe.
We played badminton and I was terrible in that game despite all my tennis background. I have no justification. I still feel like an outsider at the school gym. After lots of meat and wine we played Crocodile, Mafia. Then we changed a place and played as two teams. That was a terror of unsportsmanlike. That was cold and windy when we counted money whole half of an hour. Colours of sun and grass were removed with blue veil of rain. I was so exhausted by sun, meat, plays, talks that the way back to the car was hard and freeze.
Mom called when I was standing by the car, she told that everything was OK. The way home I slowly downloaded the rating and looked through it. I am eighth which means that I will study on the commercial basement but I certainly will. Happy and tired I got to the center with messy feelings.
People with florish baloons at the grey streets. Little brother and sister sell it in front of the trade centre with all good intentions to earn pocket money. And they had done it during twenty minutes. Roads, cars and windows of trolley-buses are in filth of damp ground. There is much less snow and much more puddles but no grass. Is it spring?
The trade center is full of people with furious eyes and bags in hand. Even the book store is crowded. Touching textbooks for english, textbooks for law and philosophy. And no purchases as usual. It is hard to broke the habit of strong economy even with sufficient money. Say no to casual purchases ever.
The vague stomachache and head pressure make the grimace of the face angry and irritated. Being out of home doesn’t mean feeling better. Noise and boredom of shop windows and unfamiliar crowds.
Grey grey holiday.
Let’s write about new year eve.
Yesterday was the day of cooking and watching Sherlock the same time. I woke up late and quietly did my morning routine. Pages and to do list.
Cooking was so tiresome but quite absorbing. When I had the first dish done (vegeterian lasagne) it became much easier to cook. And yes my salad got delicious as well as meat in Burgundy.
At the evening I took the bath reading V.Woolf’s diaries (if someone is interesting) and had absolutely light feelings about everything.
To have a fun evening and night I bought the table game “Monopoly”. We made the dinner, drink and then played. Unfortunately I was winning and took money of mom all the time. After midnight she became irritated and sat to the computer. I was confused as the only thing I desired was a fun time, no more. But the nature of game (and mom’s reaction) made it tense. She said that the game is the only thing we had that night, I asked to offer something and only spoiled the situation.
It is much harder to have an active rest time rather than passive.
And I didn’t make any wish this year. I decided to make them true, not wish.
This was the day before the holiday.
At the morning I went to the Uni for lesson and talked with the girl the most of time at the break. Her manner to speak too open seems me a bit childish. And she doesn’t think or just tell about their study as ambiguous as it could be. (And what time I found myself angry with the college and life) Anyway the group of pupils in the study was very schoolish. I mean children who afraid of any phrase and spend the break with cellphones rather than talking with each other. Even though we got some fanny talk during the way back.
At the midday there was the process of cleaning flat up. Nothing special, but my pallete left the spot at the balcony and I had to rub it. (Creative activity destroys clean order)
Then we began the hardest part of the day, I mean purhases for New Year eve. Yesterday I made the list but today mom had been going so chaotic, with distractions and fast changes. It was hard and boring to carry things home. In the supermarket I enjoyed steering the hand cart and observing the work of enveloping machines. But it had been the same chaotic process without the concrete leader. It is so diffucult to persist on some purchases you know as I don’t pay for anything and the crisis in this area. But she doesn’t speak presicely.
The other point is that there is no New Year spirit in the cheap markets among ignorant people. That’s all so down-to-earth, so predictable boring. But I like to observe sellers anywhere. In the household chemicals’ store there were so uneducated, vulgar seller as the market’s area be commonly. The same was at the butcher shop where two sellers changed their mind about price just because of neighbour’s greed or stabborness.
In one word, I do not like local markets. If I’d choose it would be a small good shop with delicious goods and polite service.
Oh, let’s keep silence about wishes. I’d like average thick tree with elegant decoration, french cooking and everything is in the wood house at the mountains among friends and family. This is why I don’t like to figure dreams out. Reality loses its taste.
I’ve written too much to be justified.
New day before the especial event. Morning was very idle because of talk with mom.
As it is the republic’s day streets are empty but the Bay is populous. Through bright banners about different parts and different type of people in that location I was going through with senseless. As the town tries to become touristic place to compensate the whole production’s absense. By the way I was in the black blouse and light skirt.
The college expectedly was empty. Zhenya cought me in the workshop and we begun merry talks on daily themes. In the other workshop I found out Mary upset after the storm called “Tutor”. He was childishly rude and intolerable. I really understood her as yesterday I had his call about my speech (only a draft of full speech). That was a bucket of slop what poured on me, but not professionally notices to get it much much better. That’s why me and Mary were so solidarity about his nature and our own.
As immediately I had known a point of news one appeared himself. K. came back from army and decided to visit us. Such moments I hate russian tradition to embrace with everybody (I do not prefer it at all). I tried not to look confused as I surprisingly had been. But in few minutes he had talked about his year I was appeased with my sense of soul’s silence and clear understanding of my own mind. And the whole day before I went out that all had been quiet, but ridiculous and inconvinient to work.
About work. The other tutor (who is more tutor that the real one) came to me and said that I had much danger to spoil the picture and I should not work more. And as soon as I’d done little strokes he’d specified I begun to pack the all things I had there. Those happened to be too heavy for a nice girl in the light skirt. Devided part was taken and I directed downstairs. Little surprise was to hear wondering question from K. But I’m free and will be free out of obscure mind.
This evening I’m going to meet with Nastya. And later at weekends with Sasha.
I made an appointment with a hairdresser and the only point I should do is my speech. Let’s write!
P.S. As I write three times a day I thought about some optimization of process. That’s why I will write about my day, then about progresses in my purposes (Preparing to exams, self-development etc) and at the end of the page there’ll be some chaotic rubbish I will hide under “see more”. Such kinda notes help me to devide good useful ideas and emotional blur. I’m not sure in the usefulness of such approach but I should try.
After I got sleep late and woke up early with the alarm clock, but slept an hour after I have got a headache. It was the one of my go in time morning.
There are so much thoughts in my mind that its are running to and fro within one head. My last phone is eight years old. Eight years! Have I told that my smartphone is stolen and I force to use ancient time’s gadget.
It was too shame for me to confess in one day I had lost forever. I was just sitting, reading articles, watching new season of House of Cards (brilliant work of director of photography!) and being still upset. But that time cleaned my mind from dust and bore of my own life. It is, I should be honest with myself.
Today it’s weather of white shining snow and blue sky. The town as is blurred. Arriving through the main street with my plane table as a planner.
This pre-holiday only four girls had gone to paint. And we were crowned with gifts. Our tutor came smiling, speaking in warm tune and had gifted to each of us a palette knife. Real useful act before we paint a diploma picture. I didn’t expect that I would be so glad to get it and smile so wide. Then Anokhin treated us with sweets and enduring words.
Kate is found out to read self-development books. Her life certainly thirstes it like a dried soil water.
There are flowers and women everywhere. I want to have a bucket in the dining room. (Maybe I should find pay work). But it’s too evidently that no flowers I will have until there’s no man (or free money) to pay for it.
It remained only twenty eight days of my study.
The first junuary was to my surprise better than ever. As I get sleep after midnight there was no problem to wake up at nine and to go to the cinema after breakfast with my Napoleon. In the cinema hall there was enough people for the first year’s day. And then it began two with half hours of Celtic issue. Of course it’s the fairytale but it has some ground under action. Nothing comes from nothing.
In the cafe on the first floor we had pretty dinner. On the street it was snowing and very homely. A ginger cat run after people with feed and set in white show.
On the rink it came to my mind to compare rink with way of thinking. Enjoying round by round I always was under threat of people skating to another side. Chaos. But fresh air and physical entertainment was fun. Mom almost had learned to skating instead of her painful fall at the end of time. To disturb organisation I will say nothing. You what I mean.
On evening I was so physically and mentally tired that I was only drawing with colour pencils and watching Sherlock.
So pretty sometimes just to get sleep earlier and think. But you know when I begin to think it leads me to reflections. Now I distinguish of notion of life from another, I know that people often behave themselves one way because of nationality and mentality. Sometimes I suffer much with this narrow point of view as it is the second thing I think about person.
But this is not what I wanted to say. The first of Juniary was funny tranguill day of snow and light. Days of rest are so happy sometimes.