29 August

I can drink my cacao by the window with the view of the nonstop rain outside. It reliefs, it warms and it let me leave my tiresome behind.

This morning the light low clouds welcomed me at the other place than yesterday. Short (2-3 hours) drops of sleep gifted me surreal fantasies and images which I can only think up half asleep. There was enough time to get ready for the departure. The entrance of the town was as usual strange and had a strong character of the province. It’s the low a bit dirty buildings, narrow streets and basically less quantity and quality. No surprise. I hardly got my luggage out of the coach and was standing at the cold bus station in the rain without an option to move. Mom came fast and so was a taxi. We got to the house and had to carry two really hard and precarious bags which we had done with some effort.

Though I and mom were tired we made a breakfast and had it calmly. She started to get ready to the work I opened the bag and begun unpacking. As usual, that managed to be faster than packing. Then I did some planning for a few days and other stuff with the laptop. One moment I got that I simply cannot think – like a computer glitch. I got out of the flat and yes there was a rain outside.

I got out of the flat and yes there was a rain outside. The trade center was quiet and calm in the middle of the work day. I shopped around the jewelry shops looking for watches. At the second floor, I found out the watches shop and spend some time there. I tried a few samples until I bought silver ones with the metallic watchband. After that my walk continued at the clothes shops. Unfortunately, at the Russian shop, there wasn’t any shorts or jacket with the prevalence of cotton instead of polyester. At the basement floor, the big mass market of sports equipment was full of my necessities. But they all cost a pretty penny.

The road back I stumbled on the conductor who was my math teacher at the last school years. I pretended not to notice. So was my tired sleepy day which is going to continue.

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2/10. May holiday at home

That was the second day at hometown and home particularly. I was going to write every day but for the reason of tiresome, I hadn’t done it yesterday. These two days we were shopping across the town, we’d been at all the big trade centers and small old ones. Tonight I got that I could not see shoes anymore. My wishes are very concrete and understandable (which makes it more manageable at Moscow rather than here). I’d better overpay for quality and comfort than waste hours and hours in the temptation to find a needle in a haystack. However, I cannot be angry with mom by her hesitation and endless search.

My visit here emerged some thoughts about the capital town as a beautiful and blossoming place. I totally forgot how terribly boring the life here is, how empty the streets and how colorless are rare people. I have no idea where to go out and where to walk despite all the years here. People move less, are less diverse and calmed down in a bad way. There is poor history around here. I don’t know, it’s felt limited and narrow like shallow water where is nothing more than can be seen.  And it appeared to me not so evident from the Moscow point of view.

I thought I could hear myself better here but it turned out controversy, there is more noise of routine and narrow-mindedness than I presumed.

good old Sunday evenings

So Sunday is losing its power above everything and concede a place for another study week. I’m in the usual for weekend’s evening after-bath mask. There is a good old comfort of Sunday evening which reminds me school time when we went to the bookstore with parents and made dinner with the noise of comedy show or news. I was reading much more than now.

But surely this day as a few before wasn’t congenial at all. Even today I went out of the room just for “not being in the room alone”. I had delicious noodles for lunch, bought two nice t-shirts at the Russian shop and a stylus for the phone. Even when I went down to the supermarket I could hardly be logical on my own (here we are! ) sadness. It went out of the lack of control over my own life on the day-to-day basis. There is no option of modification or deviation. I have to do what is to be done for the session. And it could be nicely endured by me if it wouldn’t take almost all the time with some dull connections and useless talks. I hate meaningless, and it’s the point. I must remember.

However, as I felt killing time was not my main reason for melancholy, the main one was a well-known sense of loneliness. How unique! My position of double life helped a lot in alienation. People aren’t dull, they see tribesmen. At the supermarket, I saw peripheral vision a known girl standing in the queue. It was like the invasion into my Sunday routine. I run away and hurried up to not to meet her again. Talks and smiles, you know. Nastya is quite happy in her successful private life in the new room. Which is nothing with me at all.

Certainly, I’m going to visit home at the vacation – it’s too hard for me to endure the whole time though I know it’s a good test. But, yes, it’s good to remove some things.

Finally, I cannot throw the study on the road and move forward without, I need to put it into the proper place, get papers and move forward.

The regular late getting up with the pictures of mom’s plates at the kitchen sink and the used cezde. So, let’s skip a breakfast for a fatty lady who survived New Year vacation and got up so late. But I did cut the sausage, treated the cat and ate that with black bread’s leaf. Please, time don’t go farther, let’s stop at the placid moment of the morning. There was even a good cardio training before some men begun to ring the doorbell. They could be and actually were the sanitary technicians. I didn’t intent to open the door and profoundly discuss this decision with grandma. By the way, there weren’t even the cellar’s keys – technicians left it at the post box – though I said to go up and return it in hands. When I’d moved to the room grandma talked with the neighbour – she had some problems with new batteries.

I did try to paint the last picture for mastery and even found the picture with the same state of nature (to steal it). Very fast it became hard to do that only, too boring, too monotonious. And after the dinner (stew and some more coffee)I turned on the rest of the scandalous interview with Yarovaya. The absolute achievement was the constant working while I was listening to their such a provocative debate. Can I hope for some adequacy at the government if she is a influential part of this, if she despite narrow-mindedness manage to climb so high? It was clearly that she didn’t respect neither audience nor Pozner. There were no logic, clear answer or even attempt to hide her desire to sting the host for being a citizen of more than one only country. After that my relief was to listen some jokes and intelligent sense of humour.

Such moments this is absolutely clear for me that I’m naturally interested in human sciences, in society, history, philosophy and politics. For what reason I do painting is the question without a proper answer. I made the delectable dinner with vegetables and meat. Meat is better than any cake. Always. Than I did some detail-oriented plan for installing the pictures (an influence of C.Hadfield’s book) and bought the train tickets home for me and mom. Please no more working. Let’s talks, read, study languages and make notes.

I faked the activity while mom did her planning and watched  “Around the World in 80 Days”. There are just a few days before moving to Moscow. I’m not to perform best but pass it and nonetheless, let it be easy. Please.

Two days after the last exam

After damn running workout and the dynamic music in the headphones, after talking and doing impressions at shower I am here at the calm evening room. And despite the textbook and notes which are waiting for being revised at the other room I am here.

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How do theory’s students manage to put everything into their mind and be coherent? To six p.m. I had already been done. It’s my usual time for such activity as parodising, jumping, dancing, talking and talking. I found out the pleasure of little acting. I mean making jokes fannier, going out of the routine type of dialogs to more alive and flexible. And recently I make melodies to break silence or declare the poems for the exam. Actually reading paragraphs aloud to someone is the great way to keep up with the content and be active.

Anyway this day was kind of torture for me. I should come back to the table again and again to revise the summaries. Keep calm and stay studying!

Saturday at home

After tomorrow visit to cardiologist and her direction to the examination in three weeks I had decided to solve my own problem with method I clearly knew. To run. This morning I run the first time since last monday and felt good. With no my usual expressive fast chase at the finish but with tranquill, soft result what had been. I was OK with no pain the whole morning and almost the all day long. But after breakfast came and boredom. I entirely didn’t know what to do during my free day.
I watched the last film of the Art-House list. That was very thoughful and profound but not so timely for me. I haven’t thought before but I have no list to watch at Saturdays now. Some desires of non-classical film what were suggested by different people. Doesn’t matter.
But the discover of this day was lessons of english which were tought by a young female londoner. Then I found out her another channel, sibscribed and watched some of her very funny or sad videos. I was watching at blue eyes with dark eyelashes and saw the world of persons around her, her life, places she go. And such observation (with british pronunciation) to my surprise is inspire me. She told so simple things about being oneself like one is, about self development in society for introverts (not so useful for me, but for the image I got). And when I got out the flat and breathed an air of spring I had felt a lifeful. The world in my head what is able to become reality. Curtain thoughts were “I should converse with different people more, write and practice in english more, live more and enjoy life being myself more”. English as tennis will be attained with practise and nothing else. And also the way of uncovering own impressions, emotions etc is the way of creativity.
Tennis was incredible good. I played passionately and quietly at the same time. Calm and concentration are necessary conditions to play better. And be easy about mistakes, try new methods and don’t worry.

At home

And finally I have taken a notion on this. To be at home with grandma, trying to make sketches is so pitiful. Unpleasant of this life is evident. And so loathsome.    Grandma opened the door to unknown guy. He turned out being drunk and stupid. We could not close the door because of him. It was stressful. I even do not want to tell about it. I phoned to police and wrote the declaration. After two hours I spent with literature’s themes I had heard a sound of bit. The neighbour decided to destroy our balcony as it bothered her. In ten minutes she had been ringing on door. Secondly on this day. I have just not opened. Crazy district, crazy. We need to move to a good place. Better though. Is it really that this town turns to me with back side? Hope not.

War theme on literature is still seemed to me boring. The point is about feeling or not feeling it. Nothing else. When I was watching the film about Art of Germany something glimpsed inside of me on cadres of Holocoust monument. And girl I met in Moscow does feel the same way I think. Inner stream.

town

 Just I’ve finished a Raphael copy and feel something like emptiness and upset. Almost all day long I thought about my town as a impossible place for active culture life. Why do I think so angry about this town, about this people who reason so norrowly as they live in provincial. I hear so much preconception what is said with such a self-confident. Small towns as a bad school full of foolish dweebs who increment to earth and can’t move somewhere else. 

I was at home all day.