So today I’m going to sit on the bus and go to Moscow for the exams. What am I feeling? Actually relief. It is not because of the exams or life changing process but because I am going to Moscow which means I’ll be able to walk there and visit my favorite places. It means being at the town. For some reason, it takes me an easiness. It would be perfect if there was a flat of mine.
On the road to the bus station, I met NastyaH who was coming to the hospital. Our talk was fun and friendly, I’d got that people had misunderstood my silence and I should be more open with them. Then I luckily bought a ticket and walked down the road on foot. It even seemed marvelous. I mean the idea to stay at the same place. Everything is easy and understandable enough.
At home, I packed the backpack and downloaded some films for the road. The thing I found out is that feature films are rather boring for me right now, I cannot watch them as much as before. I’ve got one Jim Carey’s comedy – perfect for the road and the documentaries by Parfenov (which I really like). Speaking of documentaries I must say that for me it’s an easy and convenient way to know the world, but this way isn’t the best. The best is traveling and connecting with a variety of people. That’s best for sure.
I even looked up the books on the war topic (the next one for mastery). It was strangely tiresome to wade through the jungle of the plots. Fiction books certainly are not so touchy for me as non-fictional. Or I just ain’t able to read it. Which is more probable. (But of course, I picked one just in case).
Actually, I have no desire to prepare for the exams, it’s weakness, yes. I have already refused to go to Spb (I watched the rating – it speaks I won’t be applied even with maximum mark. Speak nothing about my real level) The other situation happens with the local university where I certainly can enter, at least for the part-time program. And it could be interesting to have an additional diploma.
The other idea which hovers in my mind is to get a job for the weekends. I need money as much as I need independence (and privacy).
It’s not only raining today but it’s darkening with every hour. I can see it through the window. The whole day I am sitting with the history book, laptop, and cup of tea. Honestly, my mind is rather full of new ideas and some anxiety than the laser focus on the twenty century’s events. That’s why I still struggle with the lack of concentration and understanding. It seems even hopeless now. I feel weak when I want to say “It’s too much for me! I’m sick of history”.
My page at the notebook with the plans for August is almost full. At the finish line, all thoughts are about post exams time. I want some emotional relief after that. Maybe it seems strange to hear, but the main reason for the emotional burnout is my unexpected desire and some ideas for the paintings and more. The last notes at the notebook all are the IDEA ones. The other desire is simple and trivial one – earn money.
One of my coursemates is having a vacation at the seaside abroad. Surely, I could be envy about it but as it was said to my mom “I could make up the better way to spend that money”. I mean education and the development. No vacation while I don’t have a proper professional position and some real constant profits. It isn’t time for enjoying the benefits, it’s time for raising them.
But this evening we actually are going to watch something and go to bed early as we both are tired of such weather and routine.
Yes, it’s tranquil morning of Saturday and I am sitting with coffee and chocolate to write something about last week and the next. But now it’s snowing terribly at the streets and no one would like to walk there. Not me certainly.
The next week it’s the Festival’s week at the institute and I’ll be assisting\providing\conducting the head of the theatre jury. And it will be quiet different from any other week. I have written the statement on my employment at the Dean’s office and was happy about that the rest of yesterday. No academic lessons the whole week! And more collaborations with the producers who seem more reasonable and clever.
I still hardly can imagine my being here the next term, but it has covered with all Festival’s fuss therefore I look happy and energetic. Yesterday evening I even thought up the new app for restaurants but didn’t persuade mom to study programming.
It remains 6 weeks until the end of the year and four pictures to product. Simple arithmetic.
A part of me doesn’t want to write anything at all. But another one requiare to do it. So I woke up late as my mum turned off the alarm clock and in the morning I felt myself like a rag without run and like a space of chaotic thought without writing pages. Mum gifted a bouguet of roses (mmm.. I like violet flowers). It was very generously from her to spent so much many on flowers. But I had breakfast with french maffins I made yesterday and went to college. At the begining it was grey and little depressed, I percieved that do not want to go to college. Just a thought makes me terrible. But I was riding with a cake and a dinner with my music by trolleybus.
I understood that I had bad mood for this great day and begun to imagine my perfect birthday in perfect life. Good big company who knows each other a lot of years and celebrates the holiday maybe in the french cafe talking and laughing before the night when I would go with my man home walking along a bank. City lights and wet roads I like.
Of course when I came it hadn’t happened something resemble. Grey light allegadly was glueed to this place forever. We were getting ready for painting. Of course I coudn’t paint with full force – texts was recieved from time to time. So pleasant. I saw girls whispering behind my back and smiled. On the break when I had cut the cake they gifted me some money (they haven’t time for something better) and spoke traditional speech I can’t recall.
Frankly I was sitting in that grey room with a cuppa and listened talks girls had – terribly not my world. this year of study is redundant at all. To my regret, I really, with no delusions, feel, that there isn’t any diference in answer, are we there or not. Everything seems so senseless and stupid there. Only there. Our time table is an example of not proficient childsh work. And when we were sitting that way of complaining, idea came to me. The film about our disappearence one day. No documents, no bills, no teacher who remembers. Than more I thought than more I wanted to make it. Some mixture of dreams and absurdity soaked with sadness and thoughtfulness. The whole film runned across my mind. I had a little discussion with girls and of course who doesn’t know what people like to watch on the initiation in october. Something fanny with jokes above jokes with patriotical sub-text. No art, no truth. It will be tomorrow an opening of the anniversary exhibition. Speeches and speeches. I do ask myself how could I choice this college five years ago – it is by nature so far from me.
Mum and me bought the tickets on a concert of Vienna’s orchestra in the end of october. My friend very very good people who appriciate me I think.