It is silent in the room. I have remains the excitement in my head. It tries to think big. Pathetic films allow me to hover above the routine and ponder about life. Immediately things like a choice of bread or fish become pointless. Such rubbish doesn’t matter. I try to fumble an approach to life, the majors are somewhere in the air. I need to catch it. I need a big view on everything, I mean really big not just perspective in the frames of my own life.

Too long I was thinking in limits of my own life, of the practical questions. I want to be myself, to like what I like and not compromise with people. I don’t like outer “trying” to understand in order to be confirmed by society. I won’t “accept” things I do not accept. Different people, different opinions, tastes. I mean I won’t fake acceptance.

The main thing I want is to live my own life, not someone’s else. It certainly contains theatres, films, and other arts, it contains that emotional impact attempts to understand, estimate things through thinking. And I shouldn’t be ashamed by my obsession with fictional feelings, abstract and unpractical matters. I shouldn’t feel any shame for my positive feelings about minor things, however strange or antisocial it looks like. That’s me.

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3 Junuary

This is the third day dyed in colours of the interpersonal conflicts of Star Wars. In the morning I had hardly done my exercises, mom switched TV on and I couldn’t tear myself away from the screen. I was watching an old cartoon from my childhood, today they seemed funny and ridiculous the same time. The characters appeared to be slow-witted. But it’s a good memory at least.
I went out for some case at the day, there were hardly some people on the street. Ice covered all the roads making it tough to pass and not fall. After that, at home, I still couldn’t get those thoughts out of my mind. I did my English homework, downloaded music and had a lunch. But simultaneously my mind was wandering around thinking about the characters’ motifs, their perception, reactions, their behavior and possible future actions. My mind tried to foresee a new script with twists and certain scenes. That’s exhausting.
The strange activity recovered me a bit. It’s a search for a sofa at the trade center. Mom and I were going through the shops, sitting on different sofas, wondering about the prices or quality. There were some great sofas for the huge price. When we ate rolls at the food court I confessed that I don’t remember last time I cared about fictional characters so much. She asked something and then tried to change the topic and raised the question of my Moscow study. I dodged from an answer.
At home, I took a bath and dissolved all my thoughts and images in water.

Second viewing

I must confess that I watched the seventh episode and tonight went to watch the eighth episode one more time. I haven’t been so obsessed with the characters and drama for a long time maybe since Harry Potter books.

The second time I went alone and was sitting beside a talkative woman who at the beginning made too loud comments. But thank God she hadn’t talked really much. The audience, in general, seemed to me blunt and blind, they asked wrong questions and made dull comments. But I could take in a film.

Surprisingly, I found out that I hadn’t remembered most of the scenes (I mean exact pictures, dialogues), I hadn’t really seen actor’s faces. That’s why the second viewing was terrific. I could focus on drama even more than the first time. Then I was fully emotionally involved and as a result, had been semi-blind to many things. Yesterday I could follow the eyes and mouths, I could read that huge message characters send us.

That message took a lot of answers to many questions. I saw a proof that it’s wasn’t my emotional mistake to make Ben Solo became strongly tightened with Ren. I followed eyes. Also, some smalls acts or even intentions to act fade away from me the first time, but the second it deepened the characters’ portraits. For example, the scene where we see first the head of Snoke, his halved body and then general Hux looking at Kylo Ren’s body. For a moment he meant to take a weapon and kill him, but he suddenly woke up. There is no loyalty between them only competition. And Hux doesn’t hesitate about it.

Moreover, I finally got the phrases=concepts characters live with. “Let the past die. Kill it. If you have to. If you want to become what you want to be” and others (I saw it in Russian).

I hope it will come out of me soon because it’s really hard to carry that all through myself.

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Monday of a new week

The day went as it went. I didn’t go to the hospital for the analyses and slept enough for me. After the delicious breakfast all the morning before the lessons I prepared for those lessons. I found out my mind map of the lectures quite useful. And basically I’m ok with studying process, it’s fun, it’s like a game. I used the lazy quick writing of all I know on the paper.  Helpful tool.

I was late and came into the class while the teacher was reading the list. At the beginning it was ok, we pronounced the exercises, then there was a control on the topic I prepared in the morning, so basically it was ok.  But then we started that terribly long and boring process of checking other people’s tests. That was so tiresome. At the lunch break, I ate fast at the small canteen full of the local student. I never felt so different from them. I could even perceive their small town mentality.While sitting there I came to the idea that we all suppose something for future, but future is nothing without now.  Nothing will change in the future if it doesn’t change now. Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor?

Why people look at me that way when I cross the corridor? A talk with the law student made me feel so strange. So surprise! He offered to come to the cinema club and moreover he knows the local theatre director. Something strange happens. I easily speak to people and they believe that I know things I speak about. That law student was so surprised by the fact I watched Citizen Kane.

Language history lecture went boring for most of those zombie-students who write every single word. As for me, there wasn’t much information but I was for some reason inspired. Maybe it’s my thoughts on Arzamas as the great new educational format which makes me think of associations. And it pushes my mind. Associations are the great tool for learning. Actually, we do all thinking by associations unconsciously. So I’m going to attach all the information to the things I already know. I’m going to think in a way: what does it remind me of? What do I have already know about this? etc. That’s obvious but so efficient.

Today

So, lately, I was deeply encouraged by the person I randomly found on YouTube. It sounds silly and it can be so. Two days I was running to and fro making different things with the huge amount of fuel inside. I wanted to learn her determination, energy, her smartness and active way of living. I saw how cleverness and insistence made her a top. Today I went for a short walk to the Volga bay. There was her interview at Scotland and me going by the embankment during the sunset. She spoke about socio-psychology, languages, the way it changes us mentally and culturally. There were good arguments which triggered me to study psychology and culture studies. That’s like an ajar door with the strip of light inside and I want to open it widely, go inside and find more.

There is a hope in my heart, there is energy and there is a determination. No matter that for the moment I struggle with history study and need patience, focus and creative thinking.

Quiet day at the room

This day was full of silence within and without. To my surprise, after the running at the park, I did the study. I sat down and made sketches for mastery. It was lasting long, I forced myself to not to dissolve. But to the lunch time, there had not been many sketches there had been just a few more obliquely drawn ones. Sometimes I can’t believe I need so much time for such a scarce work. Clearly, it has dramatically deteriorated since the college time.

And then, at the pause in my reading the for history report, something pushed me to look at the last Arts Academy exam exhibition. Isn’t it strange to look at the professors’ last names and get that in some different reality they could be my teachers. That is different reality though. The basic visual level is so much better than VGIK’s that it’s unfair to compare at all. However, I do not regret at all about the decisions and ways I go. But sometimes I truly need an inspiration for continuing the study (looking at the walls isn’t an options), sometimes I need to remember that smell of systematic, clever approach to painting.

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I mast not to roll down to looking for the lost paradise. The paradise is always farther, it always better in the future. It has more challenges, more achievements and more discoveries than its are now. So, please (speaking to myself), no search of happiness in the past. But there is one thing I can find in the past, it is the systematic hard-working for achieving the best. And I need to fetch it out of there.

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The other side of the day is my preparation for art history report. As the teacher allowed me, I took the least artistic topic but greatly interesting one. Magna Carta.

after SPb

I need to describe, to leave some pieces of evidence of lasted trip. Saint Petersburg remained in my mind as a dirty, dusty town with spoiled street and grand architecture. That was a relief to come back to Moscow and open the door to my room. My routine at Peter’s was totally the life of Nastya: her room, road to the work, habits, and friends. That was clear to me that my life, whatever it is, is much better than her despite her independence, personal life, work, and perspectives. I felt like my own problems, routines and dreams are more suitable for me. They are totally mine and this makes them the best for me. The best match you’ve watched is what you’ve played.

My joy of living own life allowed me to work with a lighter mood. I could really roll up my sleeves and do need. Whoever the teachers and course mates are. I surely got that being a visitor at the theater is enough for me. No scene construction, please (Nastya will work with it someday). The other thing I got is that Moscow is the best Russian option for me (yes, despite all gray people, traffic jam, and housing problem). There are so many spaces for walking and working and developing. Immediately, I began to appreciate my being here and love little pretty details which define this town.

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Again Monday

I’m still with the film “Silence”. It came out of the talk with Vlad about the films at all. I couldn’t speak freely and again had no ideas what to say. It’s too difficult for me to express thought about such sacred part of life as faith. I don’t have a habit and carriage. I feel like it’s much more complicated and profound that I previously reckoned it. Therefore, it’s not a time for making clear assumptions on this. It’s time for exploring, it’s time for cleaning a place from prejudices to openness.

It’s not cinematography which made me so addicted to films but ideas and their expression. The questions it raises, the message it sends.

With such mental background, the day went gloomy. I painted a lot and couldn’t find any proper reason in communications. Once I heard that Mary was thinking about dropping out. I went to the canteen with her and asked properly. Her problem is money and lack of real study. My problem is the whole field.  That was a strange pleasure of disclosure.

The painting went as usual: girls were roaming to and fro, I was painting most of the time while felt tiresome. Then half an hour before the end, I like a mouse went away the workshop to breathe fresh air of gray streets.

Conflicts and delights

This day must be excellent but a bit stressful. The result came out a bit different from my expectations. Recently my enthusiasm about some little stuff is high in the mornings. And today it was the same. I wake up early, just two minutes before the alarm clock (but slept an hour more) The first lesson was the best one – the training. And it’s quite easy to come downstairs and make exercises. As I speak to myself now “The universe itself wants me to have a good fit, and it’s a sin to ignore it” And this idea makes me absolutely happy about the obligation which makes some people moan.

After the gym, it was even more easy to feel the lightness of the holiday. At the lift, I was speaking with one animator and got her passivity about the visit to the museum.

The workshop was empty and two girls who were there didn’t have any enthusiasm about drawing. All wanted to eat the promised heap of pancakes. I was going to and fro. It turned out that one boy was left without a gift because of us. We went down to buy a book but there wasn’t any suitable. Our plan to give him a cake failed for a reason of lack of communication. That was a terrible situation when two of three were gifted but one left neglected. We ate and drunk, I even tried scotch (terrible). The conflict arose afterwards.

That was such a terrible unexpected and distracting situation that I couldn’t make out how to behave. The complicated machine of ethics and profits stuck inside me. Toilet, Instagram and breathing. It was a silent decision to shade away. The passivity and silence while my course mates spoke politely to Sasha about the ins and outs of happened. All was to persuade him in our innocence. To say shortly, it was a philosophy study case. Finally, the other girls bought him a book – something strange. I gave a part of the money. All went down.

But I was talking to Vlad about different American and British accent, we listened to each other. (My inclination to British was clear) That talk with the duration of a few hours made me feel so happy. It was hard for me to grasp quickly, I did forget the thought I wanted to say. (I become stupid while he is speaking so good – bad calls)

I went out quickly and booked an English lesson – that was really motivating for me just to talk about English with someone.

Historical Saturday

It was a failure to wake up at the late morning just because of the cellphone’s bag. No swimming pool but the omelette with onion and coffee. Some notes during the rest of the time. I try to figure out, to clear up all thoughts in my mind into the coherent strategy. Watching some motivational videos throw me back to the condition of development in the mentality at least.

At the street, there was so fresh damp air that I could feel it like in Saint Petersburg or just any place with oxygen everywhere. I bought the ticket to Peter and was happy about that. It’ll be just two days there, just weekend.

The main event of the day is evidently the lesson of Images of the past (or material history of Russia). I went there with great pleasure and the idea of all the possibilities of the life, therefore, was quite positive. The topic, approach and connection between the teacher and students were so organic and highly interesting that I went out for the lunch with the head full of thoughts. Mainly I tried to figure out what for the church make new saints and why murderers (matter of fact) become saints just because of the distraction of the enemy. He couldn’t answer my questions as they were out of historical facts but rather sophisticated human being’s nature.

At the lunch listening to girls’ complaints was unbearable and I replied them something abstract. It’s boring to moan and nag but absolutely interesting to think up, create and found out. The lunch actually was terrible and I got that lunch boxes aren’t just financially good but more tasty else.

To the end of the lesson, I was so excited that hadn’t accepted to go straight to the hostel but to the Coffee Shop. There I did regret about that and decided to not to visit sweet shop ever. The taste of coffee and sugary cakes are so terrible and heavy that it rather overloads you than makes some joy.

I will read the historical document which is a part of the homework now.