I’m happy, I’m smiling, I feel free. And no matter I’ve just come home from the third viewing of the Eighth episode. I blamed myself a long time, pushed down and forced to not to give in desires. But afterwards, I gave my free will space, I allowed myself to not to be adequate and socially confirmed. I did what I liked to. And now I feel free and light. I made a promise to myself to not to read articles about the ninth episode, no theories, no photos at Kinopoisk. I’m going to forget about it for two years and when it comes I will simply watch a trailer and go to the cinema as an obligation without any idea what emotional impact I had.
This morning I’ve got that there is no point in creating a new script in my head. It’s already written by professional script-writers, and I have no power to influence them. I have no control over it, so I’m better to stop supposing, assuming and making up my own story.
Today I have seen emotions, and inner intentions even more clear than before. Surely, I was calm and observant. The freshness of the picture went away as well as those deep emotions I had. Rationality and calmness have stayed.
I was thinking over my first reaction and found out some answers to the questions of my own behaviour. I’m truly vulnerable to big emotions, I can feel pain made by people. Therefore I try to avoid pain and other emotions too. Just in case. I can feel an offence or excitement too deeply to stay strong. And emotions are overwhelming, they take a lot of energy (or give it) so it’s easier to escape. Probably, this pattern made me feel connected to the Kylo Ren’s story. Finally, I could see myself in the piece of art.
P.S. When I was climbing up the stairs it just came to my mind that partially Kylo Ren is right. Past must die. But I attach myself so often to the past situations, relationships, and dreams. I know Nastya has her own life without me, there is no place for me. I know it, but I still feel a bit offended by her silence. It hurts me that she hasn’t spoken to me anything about her current love relationship (and I know why). I must let it free. Those are her choices, which are not under my control. I must release past when it goes away, and start anew without any regrets and complaints. I’m better to leave the personal failures in the past and goes forward freely.
This is the third day dyed in colours of the interpersonal conflicts of Star Wars. In the morning I had hardly done my exercises, mom switched TV on and I couldn’t tear myself away from the screen. I was watching an old cartoon from my childhood, today they seemed funny and ridiculous the same time. The characters appeared to be slow-witted. But it’s a good memory at least.
I went out for some case at the day, there were hardly some people on the street. Ice covered all the roads making it tough to pass and not fall. After that, at home, I still couldn’t get those thoughts out of my mind. I did my English homework, downloaded music and had a lunch. But simultaneously my mind was wandering around thinking about the characters’ motifs, their perception, reactions, their behavior and possible future actions. My mind tried to foresee a new script with twists and certain scenes. That’s exhausting.
The strange activity recovered me a bit. It’s a search for a sofa at the trade center. Mom and I were going through the shops, sitting on different sofas, wondering about the prices or quality. There were some great sofas for the huge price. When we ate rolls at the food court I confessed that I don’t remember last time I cared about fictional characters so much. She asked something and then tried to change the topic and raised the question of my Moscow study. I dodged from an answer.
At home, I took a bath and dissolved all my thoughts and images in water.
I must confess that I watched the seventh episode and tonight went to watch the eighth episode one more time. I haven’t been so obsessed with the characters and drama for a long time maybe since Harry Potter books.
The second time I went alone and was sitting beside a talkative woman who at the beginning made too loud comments. But thank God she hadn’t talked really much. The audience, in general, seemed to me blunt and blind, they asked wrong questions and made dull comments. But I could take in a film.
Surprisingly, I found out that I hadn’t remembered most of the scenes (I mean exact pictures, dialogues), I hadn’t really seen actor’s faces. That’s why the second viewing was terrific. I could focus on drama even more than the first time. Then I was fully emotionally involved and as a result, had been semi-blind to many things. Yesterday I could follow the eyes and mouths, I could read that huge message characters send us.
That message took a lot of answers to many questions. I saw a proof that it’s wasn’t my emotional mistake to make Ben Solo became strongly tightened with Ren. I followed eyes. Also, some smalls acts or even intentions to act fade away from me the first time, but the second it deepened the characters’ portraits. For example, the scene where we see first the head of Snoke, his halved body and then general Hux looking at Kylo Ren’s body. For a moment he meant to take a weapon and kill him, but he suddenly woke up. There is no loyalty between them only competition. And Hux doesn’t hesitate about it.
Moreover, I finally got the phrases=concepts characters live with. “Let the past die. Kill it. If you have to. If you want to become what you want to be” and others (I saw it in Russian).
I hope it will come out of me soon because it’s really hard to carry that all through myself.