films are everywhere

This day was quite strange (as all days when I write are). I woke up slowly and being aware of time and place. It was grey and white behind the curtains. Probably it had been snowing all night. Good exercises and the memory of yesterday night’s film made me feel fresh and alive.

As a matter of fact, it was SW I watched. And the funny thing is that I didn’t plan it I just felt terribly sad and lonely. Recently I’ve been using Social Media control app and extension, that allows me to use addictive sites only 30 minutes per day. And as a result, I had and still have a terrible craving for it. But it’s constructed in a way you can’t fix it or change on the same day. So I was locked out of all those stupid videos and articles while the day was grey, studies went slow and unemotional at all (like you expect emotions from studies). The fresh walk made me realise that I need to watch films like I did before. Watch the classic ones from the lists and the premieres. I crave for visiting theatres and having thoughts and emotions there.

At the weekend I had finally finished reading a marvellous book about the script writing by McKee. It spoke out loud both my own ides and his better structured and observant studies. It filled me with the excitement of discovery, a desire to observe and notice. It was like I’m again a girl going crazy by Chekhov’s plays and ready to analyse, imagine and declare it with irrational eager.

One thing he (McKee) wrote was right about the effect films can have on people. The emotions they create leave in the theatre, but the mood can chase us for hours, days, weeks, months, even for years. And it seems right, I don’t feel the emotions I had while reading Harry Potter’s fifth book, but the mood is still there. The same is truthful for TLJ. Thought the climaxes excite and terrify me every time, it’s only the mood, the image, the smell of it that stays with me in time of “real life”. It’s the wide beauty I rose in my mind, but not entirely the product of the filmmakers.

And it seems like a full circle back to love for films and drama I’ve lost. Such inner sense makes me feel almost surreal in normal life. This shuck just cannot be taken seriously.


mystical circle

It seems that every next day becomes more magical and movie-like than the previous one. Today when I hardly got up after the vague grey-coloured dreams about SW and drew back the curtain nature outside appeared mystic. Everything was in white mist, it covered every tree, leave and road. It instantly reminded me Prague. Fog over the river. On the road to work, I enjoyed every bit of nature but couldn’t capture (because of me regularly being late) it seemed like a proper film decoration. My mind was playing tricks with me again.

As always I tried to write some poetic (or not) thoughts in the notebook, but work is the work and it didn’t make one a space for it. But after yesterday’s viewing of “The Director and the Jedi” – the film about filming “The Last Jedi”, I was probably over-inspired. Everything looked so easy and manageable that I had done a tone of work and made some bossy notes before lunch.

At the cafe/canteen while eating pumpkin soup I was observing a situation at the exit. For some time, a homeless man had been sitting at the table, then he desired to get into the lavatory. Obviously, his idea wasn’t liked by the stuff, they closed the lavatory and tried to get him out. He started to exclaim “Let wash hands, let wash hands, let wash hands!”. This all was quite curious. I watched how young waitresses were managing it, how they were reacting. It was a total ultimatum for a homeless guy. I suppose he could close himself inside and sleep, and maybe he even had already done something of that sort. Finally, the chain started with a feeble waitress, more solid female kitchen worker ended with a big plumber who had grabbed him and took away. Unwillingly it came to mind that this town stinks how a homeless one, and what a luck we have cold weather to blow it away.

More texture I’ve got sitting at the other cafe (where I normally write notes) and I could observe the same homeless man being hesitant about coming into the cafe and then checking a bin for something (then I saw him wandering around the street). At the next table, there were pupils who were learning German, I could hear familiar words and even see a hand-written dictionary in a school notebook. So cute! While coffee was being drunk I could hear some phrases they exchanged. When one of them said that people in Ukraine chop the heads, I was a bit disappointed and charmed by the humour the universe has. People are constantly being ridiculous (while thinking of themselves as normal). The other woman literally cried out to her cellphone about Orenburg area and some covenants. It looked very vulgar and unmannerly though it’s a humour, isn’t it?

But the Sun shone on the house across the street and a tree was still frozen. It looked like a complete harmony.

The rest of the day I spend wearing a jacket as a medieval cloak (with awareness of being pathetic) and making ambiguous jokes out of everything. If you can’t fix things you still can laugh it out. It’s all a sad satire with plain actors.

At home, I did enjoy the beginning of “The Director and the Jedi” again. And again I adored and was totally preoccupied with the full production process. I wish I could see more exact details, more of pain and struggles on the way. Like their mention of not being off the project the whole time but 10 Christmas days, what makes it 3 months of non-stop hard working.  It seemed delusion to them all at the end.

This all turns out to be an odd circle I’m making.

Back into the old preoccupation

Sunny morning after the night full of thoughts spoken like I had a presentation at the college. The strange thoughts on film production and “what if” fantasies. This might be a product of the evening strolling through story analyses of The Last Jedi and posts about VGIKfest. It’s funny to go away and finish at this point of interest. An odd realisation that I still awe filmmaking, but I do still adore concepts and storytelling, acting and cutting way more than PD (including non-stop drawing, organising set decoration, props).

Recent weeks I had put down my exam preps and had barely remembered about it. I’ve become more centred with all these Star Wars and GOT stuff, it’s easier to be obsessed with things which obsess you. Another time I want to read McKee and Greek drama, another time I’m excited to know the drama structure. I read Chekhov in the first year at the college, but the reason for that and this preoccupation was the same. The same desire to analyse the general structure and every single line.

Thinking of how artsy can I be does not particularly mean the same as before, my inclination to art is not purely about visuals, it’s about drama. Or I just think and err about it. Nothing really counts as creativity while you do nothing.

While making some money

So, this slow day filled with work and contemplation has finished. Yesterday after tennis workout and shower I watched “The Last Jedi” another time. That was a stressful day, my customer requested a work to redo (which I did for two days) therefore I wanted to shut the whole world and hide somewhere.

Today I could really work. Eric Satie music on the background, certain workplace and then some calm podcasts on the film I still like. These days of work I had been pondering about creative work at all. This little project made me feel like I’m at the Art department again like there are a viewing and all things from the past. It reminded me of how dull creative work can be, how intimidating one can feel in front of a customer. And it reminded me of the freedom it gives, freedom of even more work with customers and freedom of not talking to random people. The most prominent thing I re-realised is that creative work is not an entertaining walk in the park but a hard labour from day to day. It is more of a struggle that hovering above clouds. But I do hover above clouds about Star Wars and it’s production. I’m partially naive about it all and get it.

As yesterday night I rewatched The Last Jedi today I came to a conclusion that it’s still a blockbuster, not a drama, the romance topic is quite subtle and not so blunt and underrepresented as dummy fans see and want it. And there are logical flaws. But that all means nothing if it touches my heart and makes it beat faster. Also, I understood that the thing which made a lot of fans so angry and disappointed with the film were expectations. They build their own theories, they were sure of certain things to be important, but the film didn’t meet their hopes. So I shouldn’t expect things, I must trust filmmakers on this. (like I have any choice on this matter. Naive girl) I’m better to forget about it all and reveal once again at 1 January of 2020.

Pure catharsis

It’s five o’clock and I still have a lot of work to do with my little commision. I do it slowly, probably not because of my own sluggishness but because of the thoughts in my head. It’s unclear what the hell made me download and watch “Star Wars. The Last Jedi” on Sunday. I enjoyed it so much that afterwards I had rewatched some scenes again, downloaded the Seventh episode and watched it too while reading some analyses on the Internet. Then I rewatched some scenes again and found videos on Youtube. My ecstasy was so high that I could not sleep well. All I could think of was the possible future events in the Saga and the pain I felt for the characters. The whole fictional war seemed more real than the one depicted from history textbooks. At least it made me empathise much more.

The next day (surprisingly), wet and nippy, all I could think of was the psychology behind the characters, the actors, directors, and story structure. I still felt pain for the characters and awe about choreography, production design and costume. My mind got busy with figuring out what costumes will be like in the Ninth episode. Such an exhausting crave for finally seeing Ben Solo in white clothes and Rey having a more confident outlook. The question of Leia made (and still make) me to construct a screenplay inside my little head in various ways, which is tiresome at the end of the day.

Shortly, the last days I had been busy worrying about a fictional future, making up a script which both didn’t exist and didn’t affect anything in the real production (which takes place now). Suddenly I found myself craving for film production and seeing my favourite character redeemed like it’s a question of life and death.

That’s all is just me experiencing catharsis once in a while, feeling too sensitive and vulnerable about emotional stuff. It peels out an outer film of my nature and takes me a more profound picture of myself. What else does excite me so much that I have sleeping problems for a few days? It speaks a lot about me as a creative person (here we are).

Third viewing.

I’m happy, I’m smiling, I feel free. And no matter I’ve just come home from the third viewing of the Eighth episode. I blamed myself a long time, pushed down and forced to not to give in desires. But afterwards, I gave my free will space, I allowed myself to not to be adequate and socially confirmed. I did what I liked to. And now I feel free and light. I made a promise to myself to not to read articles about the ninth episode, no theories, no photos at Kinopoisk. I’m going to forget about it for two years and when it comes I will simply watch a trailer and go to the cinema as an obligation without any idea what emotional impact I had.

This morning I’ve got that there is no point in creating a new script in my head. It’s already written by professional script-writers, and I have no power to influence them. I have no control over it, so I’m better to stop supposing, assuming and making up my own story.

Today I have seen emotions, and inner intentions even more clear than before. Surely, I was calm and observant. The freshness of the picture went away as well as those deep emotions I had. Rationality and calmness have stayed.

I was thinking over my first reaction and found out some answers to the questions of my own behaviour. I’m truly vulnerable to big emotions, I can feel pain made by people. Therefore I try to avoid pain and other emotions too. Just in case. I can feel an offence or excitement too deeply to stay strong. And emotions are overwhelming, they take a lot of energy (or give it) so it’s easier to escape. Probably, this pattern made me feel connected to the Kylo Ren’s story. Finally, I could see myself in the piece of art.

P.S. When I was climbing up the stairs it just came to my mind that partially Kylo Ren is right. Past must die. But I attach myself so often to the past situations, relationships, and dreams. I know Nastya has her own life without me, there is no place for me. I know it, but I still feel a bit offended by her silence. It hurts me that she hasn’t spoken to me anything about her current love relationship (and I know why). I must let it free. Those are her choices, which are not under my control. I must release past when it goes away, and start anew without any regrets and complaints. I’m better to leave the personal failures in the past and goes forward freely.

3 Junuary

This is the third day dyed in colours of the interpersonal conflicts of Star Wars. In the morning I had hardly done my exercises, mom switched TV on and I couldn’t tear myself away from the screen. I was watching an old cartoon from my childhood, today they seemed funny and ridiculous the same time. The characters appeared to be slow-witted. But it’s a good memory at least.
I went out for some case at the day, there were hardly some people on the street. Ice covered all the roads making it tough to pass and not fall. After that, at home, I still couldn’t get those thoughts out of my mind. I did my English homework, downloaded music and had a lunch. But simultaneously my mind was wandering around thinking about the characters’ motifs, their perception, reactions, their behavior and possible future actions. My mind tried to foresee a new script with twists and certain scenes. That’s exhausting.
The strange activity recovered me a bit. It’s a search for a sofa at the trade center. Mom and I were going through the shops, sitting on different sofas, wondering about the prices or quality. There were some great sofas for the huge price. When we ate rolls at the food court I confessed that I don’t remember last time I cared about fictional characters so much. She asked something and then tried to change the topic and raised the question of my Moscow study. I dodged from an answer.
At home, I took a bath and dissolved all my thoughts and images in water.

Second viewing

I must confess that I watched the seventh episode and tonight went to watch the eighth episode one more time. I haven’t been so obsessed with the characters and drama for a long time maybe since Harry Potter books.

The second time I went alone and was sitting beside a talkative woman who at the beginning made too loud comments. But thank God she hadn’t talked really much. The audience, in general, seemed to me blunt and blind, they asked wrong questions and made dull comments. But I could take in a film.

Surprisingly, I found out that I hadn’t remembered most of the scenes (I mean exact pictures, dialogues), I hadn’t really seen actor’s faces. That’s why the second viewing was terrific. I could focus on drama even more than the first time. Then I was fully emotionally involved and as a result, had been semi-blind to many things. Yesterday I could follow the eyes and mouths, I could read that huge message characters send us.

That message took a lot of answers to many questions. I saw a proof that it’s wasn’t my emotional mistake to make Ben Solo became strongly tightened with Ren. I followed eyes. Also, some smalls acts or even intentions to act fade away from me the first time, but the second it deepened the characters’ portraits. For example, the scene where we see first the head of Snoke, his halved body and then general Hux looking at Kylo Ren’s body. For a moment he meant to take a weapon and kill him, but he suddenly woke up. There is no loyalty between them only competition. And Hux doesn’t hesitate about it.

Moreover, I finally got the phrases=concepts characters live with. “Let the past die. Kill it. If you have to. If you want to become what you want to be” and others (I saw it in Russian).

I hope it will come out of me soon because it’s really hard to carry that all through myself.