So, lately, I was deeply encouraged by the person I randomly found on YouTube. It sounds silly and it can be so. Two days I was running to and fro making different things with the huge amount of fuel inside. I wanted to learn her determination, energy, her smartness and active way of living. I saw how cleverness and insistence made her a top. Today I went for a short walk to the Volga bay. There was her interview at Scotland and me going by the embankment during the sunset. She spoke about socio-psychology, languages, the way it changes us mentally and culturally. There were good arguments which triggered me to study psychology and culture studies. That’s like an ajar door with the strip of light inside and I want to open it widely, go inside and find more.
There is a hope in my heart, there is energy and there is a determination. No matter that for the moment I struggle with history study and need patience, focus and creative thinking.
I’m stacked. Recently I could spend hours for studying history and English but now I can hardly push myself to think about plein air’s activity. That’s strange and terrible the same time. The action I was eager to do during college years, now is a reluctant thing. My hours are spent with high futility and boredom. I am just afraid of any steps. I’m afraid of looking like I’m not like an artist and vice versa. That’s a headache which worn me out.
But sure, there are the great educational programs which seem to me interesting. They all require extremely high score at the exams. And I’m afraid I’m not that smart.
Now my inner feeling looks like a bent pet at the corner with no desire to go out and shop. There is nothing I’d like more than calm and clear vision. I’ve spent the whole year on hesitation, doubts, anxiety and low self-estimation. And my life has stopped. My inner force which helped me to move forward and make jokes now is a small and dreamy one. It’s still difficult for me to consider life with gravity. I still have high hopes and dreams. However, my inner voice speaks to me that staying where I am now is not a good idea at all. My inner voice still has this opinion. It still has one.
I overslept for a half of an hour and did exercises in a rush instead of a jog. Mom boiled some porridge for us and we had breakfast together in the sunny kitchen. During the road through the chip district, my head was light and empty, the same continued when I entered the University without paying any attention to the crowd of young applicants in front of the gym. While the exam passport was given I interacted with a girl who was coming to the English exam too. In spite of her medical background, she seemed boring – who does the cheat sheets before the very exam? We were sitting in the empty auditorium for about fifteen minutes in total boredom. I had managed to notice the leak in the ceiling, construction of the tables (which weren’t tables but the composition of iron balks and countertop), newness and the cheapness of the building. I’d noticed the silly phrases hand written on the table. Twice I was recognized as a teacher.
Then the woman came in and for more ten minutes set the equipment. The papers she gave us were surprisingly familiar. That was the first option on the site I used. Some answers were familiar even before the listening. The critical moment was speaking as I remember that there needed a structural answer but I hadn’t rehearsed any answers at all. I did some mistakes while speaking and heard it. After that boring process, I returned to writing. I rewrote three paragraphs about space. That seemed more or less interesting. After completing all the papers I got out of that cold chip auditorium.
The Institute and this University have in common bad new construction – painted walls and new doors, but they are the same impersonal and cold. You know, organizations built something new because of the pure need, and in this necessity very often makes them neglect aesthetics. After a few years, such building starts being and looking like unpleasant woodshed with broken parts but still able to work on the main purpose. Like an ugly loo.
There is a plenty of things I could reflect on after that exam. The main was the same. “What do I do? I’m not going to be a linguist and work on an employer. ”
Hot weather makes us all feel dizzy and unconscious. It was a great idea to swim at the pool after lunch.
During the whole day, I am distracted and scattered too many times. There is nobody to shift the responsibility, it’s only I and my complacency. It even becomes neurotically – I refresh DM too often and wait for some news from nowhere exactly like those rats at the lab. Yes, it’s a dopamine game in my brain, I know.
The one curtain solution I found is writing the diary. I mean that school year’s diary with sentences sounded like a report to the policeman. It seems to me that I let time go because I don’t actually aware of own activity during the day. The stream is allowed to just flow away. Many people live like this but wait is it what I always wanted – unconscious life? Frankly, no.
Scientists speak so often about the profits of meditation and streaming writing. Why don’t I try it now? Firstly, here at this blog, I feel like I must write some way which doesn’t include personal, sometimes really boring parts of life and I write rather formally then freely. Secondly, there is just a laziness and fear of discovering something I don’t want to know about myself. (What can it be? Ain’t I so OK?) Sometimes writing is the painful and time-consuming process, which makes me avoid such activity quite often.
But now I simply desire to clear my mind and I can see that those morning pages are too temporal healing. As a girl quoted recently, those who write every day intensify new ideas inside rather than who do it by chance. I want to change my situation with this.
Every day takes me some new wave of thinking and reflecting upon the future. It transforms in some way. The basic force is feeling on the contrary of rationality. I started to argue upon the question “Which way can more probability uplift me?” This question is the logical outcome of my own vision of the life I’d like to have. Being in my hometown pinched me to come around some ideas about this.
I certainly get tired and bored by only one study too fast. The same I can say about doing things – it wears out after some time and I need new knowledge. The balance is the solution and the goal. The other thing is all my huge demands to the education system which rather annoys me than teaches. I still dream about, you know, top of the top and get bothered by my inability to live the kind of life I really want (I mean the capability to be physically at the places and with people which share the mindset)
Today was a day of cleaning up and watching “The house of cards”. And when I and mom went out for a walk the total intolerableness made me feel great anger and hunger for life (people, knowledge, traveling, creating, thinking, achieving). The life of strangers around, of this town and my street are so distant and unfamiliar for me now.
That’s quite strange to go through the whole town to the local university – the same place where I went to the tennis. There are the open market and a few dusty bridges which may us see the ravine with its decrepit houses. Using public transport this way is full of old and grumpy people who haven’t changed for the decades. Everything there stays the same unbearably boring and limited. Sometimes I ask myself how could I live here for twenty years but then remember all my moaning about moving on and everything falls into place.
The application went very well, I gave them my copies and got their good spirit. The application process was going on at the tennis gym. The irony, isn’t it? I wandered there up and down looking at the doors and corridors with the pictures. Strangely enough, but they have the same door signs as VGIK has.
The way back I was kinda sad and furious about this all. I don’t like using backup plans at all. I know that I need to give up my slowness and low self-esteem. Going back home makes me firstly more rigorous about life and secondly, make me give up a highly intensive chase for the dreams. Isn’t it the most stupid thing – being a half of yourself, accepting the least instead of fighting for the most? Being honest with yourself truly require lots of work and perseverance.
I just wanted to say that it’s quite terrible to feel like you could (and maybe should) be at good master degree program, but your documents can’t be accepted even at the local BA programs for the reason of law. How often in our roads of life we just shuffle slowly instead of going straight or running? Trying to get accepted by some low-ranked universities while you know your place must be some better ones.
Such days I perceive misplaced. It comes clearly and sharp. It comes with the delusion of the big and old city some streets create under the rain. It’s just a great contrast between me and all those green applicants who want to feel safe and legitimate.
The other thing I got lately was a simple idea. You really need to work for a progress, not just wait for it to happen. Evidently. But why is it so new? Maybe because last year I rather acted in order to avoid, not to achieve. Now I am sick of the foundation of my life now and see that there is a lot to repair and create.
Dark blue evening and the cawing crow in a mix of frozen trees. My old deep lazar jumper and taste of cacao. What am I to say? Actually, there is a bunch of things about life and dreams, action and changes.
When you come from the unknown place, from the fabulous fairy tale like a trip all you want is to improve your own life. Make a step closer to the picture of happiness you saw. It’s like some magical smell in the air which you try not to lose but find the source and use for transforming the routine life. So do I when I cannot focus on the study but mentally deconstruct and de-clatter the flat. And there is a decision I couldn’t keep undone. This is why I certainly need to go to Moscow next week and fix everything.
But now I’m regularly relaxed and calmed down – home environment is so immovable. In contrast to this, I realize how hard I must work to approach to the desired result. The only way is to actually do, without excuses or hesitations. Stay strong, optimistic and critical to the results. And more certainly I need support, inner and outer. People who I can look on, speak with and stay on track despite difficulties. There are always ones. No sugar-coated roads with roses and unicorns. Pity, but there are no. So, I should take it and work with it, not avoid, not give up but continue and do what I intend.
Maybe or maybe not, these are Prague environment which relieved my nerves and opened breathing. That was and is a ray of light which made me so curious and alive again. It threw the rubbish away and made it clear – I don’t need that and that. There is no benefit in scrolling Instagram, no more friends, no more understanding in politics. I don’t need to watch a dozen of YouTube video to start doing, start living or even to get at something. This sort of television which gobbled hours and hours of my life at school doesn’t solve any problem but create new one – lack of time and focus. I need my time and my focus to direct it on the majors, not minors.
Sure, I have a quiz of connection with the world. I did like the Czech lifestyle with all its openness to each other and opportunity to mix at pubs. I personally need close friends and private life and some sort of trust. The one clear point is that I need to work on it more intensive than before. Otherwise, you know what happens.
At the late morning it is hard to remember yesterday’s resolutions on life. But I remembered that as clear as possible. The toast with cheese and some coffee are the best fake version of English breakfast. Yes, I try to cover up some ideas I have and the whole feverish passion about them. The study tasks, mastery, drawing and painting turned out to be marginal and boring – some kind of leisure, while others came to the fore. Why is it so?
And I’m so exited, scared and even a bit happy to see a perspective and even believe in myself. I asked mom weither I am able to pass some exams and she surely said that I could pass all of them but mathematics. Mother’s words are extremely subjective but I prefer to feel like she’s right and I can.
On the other hand, the mastery which I try to avoid, do work and be free of this. Moreover, there are some projects which I refused because of huge reluctant to have a deal with construction site, stain and furniture. There could be a paragraph on my stupidity, narrow-mindedness and perfectionism, but there wouldn’t be an evident thing. Who of clever drop out school to be a painter without the nature of an artist (I rather get in art by mind than heart)?
I am a damn-shit analyst with intention to explore the world and amend it. In other words, idealist. And I certainly need a person to speak out openly.