I want to be honest with myself and not hide my own laziness and weakness in perspective of the future rereading of these notes.
The whole day I could observe the variety of gray clouds above geometry of housing area. It went to the right verge of the window as well as rare planes flying somewhere from the nearest airport. My sketches were put on the bed in order to be observed, and pencils were at the table to use them directly. I did draw the sketches, yes. But the more frequent move was the escape. It took different forms like watching book reviews, refreshing Instagram, reading the university sites, making tea, eating dried fruits, going to the kitchen to fry the lunch. After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”.
After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”. Maybe, my vision changed by the influence of constant watching the classic, but it seemed me so scarce and hard to understand that couldn’t believe I liked it years ago.
In a word, the whole day I tried to avoid working on the mastery in a proper way. But the truth is that I must do this and there is no other way but actually working on it. It reminds me the way I successfully avoided some tasks on the book art course; I had them done as quickly as possible in the most concentrated condition (which is the effort, not the mood to wait). So I need to have this done, it’s decided.
Perhaps, I can sound pathetically, but I suppose I need to come back to the idea of the essence of life. It means the understanding of every single day as a part of your own life. Nobody procrastinates in dreams, but everybody achieves. Isn’t it simple? What is great and exciting for me to achieve during this seven weeks? The answer is certainly not “have watched all book reviews on YouTube” or be in touch with every picture on Instagram. Sometimes I really want to turn them off and leave only the Anki-droid and Dictionary. As I understood I totally cannot accept the work on somebody, I need to be responsible and independent. (the bad side of which is inconsistency and uncertainty) I need to feel my own control over my own life.
This day went bumpy. I woke up early and did morning routine quietly. The room and walls were cold and distant. In front of the lift doors I tried to smile and be OK in general. But as you could read after the last post I wasn’t generally OK. My desire to go to the institute alone didn’t happen and the whole road I discussed the French culture with Nastya Titova. But my energy was different from what it had been at summer or earlier. I’m a bit aggressive and harsh. It’s not the wished condition of openness and amity.
After the inspiring talk about French culinary we went to the cinema hall to watch our program film. Those were Eisenstain’s and Pudovkin’s pictures about the revolution. My head was splitting because of the storm inside. I was considering about basics of my life, desires, strengths and inclinations on the background of the real state. I brought out nothing from that terrible session of brain storming but headache and one strong point. This strong point was about thing that I had been planning to do since the last years of the college, nothing new.
After the view I crawled to the canteen where the plate of soap and some salad were my only companions at the table (there’s so little space for all of us at the only one table). Upstairs there were the stirring students with their plein air pictures. I hesitated where to go and feebly asked the senior student girl where we are to be. I realized myself being weak and not confident (so strange for me).
That was a lesson of cinema history at the grey shabby class of the art department floor. Such a difference from evening class at the third floor (white screen, many seats and variety of students). As the morning was not productive, that lesson was idle too. I diverted to my deep-rooted reflections very often and couldn’t make out the names or dates. Such a shame to be like that!
Later I didn’t have any desire to be cut at the Mastery. No desire to talk about my project on Chekhov or any other stuff at all. But I was actively drawing the explication and when I sited by the masters there was no trouble. The second master was even amazed with my plans and wondered if I’m going to make the makets so fast. And my fast explication was admitted too as well as the whole process. Such an easiness. I’m OK. I have ideas and interest in the technical side of the production. Interest in production and filming.
Twilight at the autumn road. Bright electric light of white and orange. Wet yellow leaves at the plain asphalt.