During the whole day, I am distracted and scattered too many times. There is nobody to shift the responsibility, it’s only I and my complacency. It even becomes neurotically – I refresh DM too often and wait for some news from nowhere exactly like those rats at the lab. Yes, it’s a dopamine game in my brain, I know.
The one curtain solution I found is writing the diary. I mean that school year’s diary with sentences sounded like a report to the policeman. It seems to me that I let time go because I don’t actually aware of own activity during the day. The stream is allowed to just flow away. Many people live like this but wait is it what I always wanted – unconscious life? Frankly, no.
Scientists speak so often about the profits of meditation and streaming writing. Why don’t I try it now? Firstly, here at this blog, I feel like I must write some way which doesn’t include personal, sometimes really boring parts of life and I write rather formally then freely. Secondly, there is just a laziness and fear of discovering something I don’t want to know about myself. (What can it be? Ain’t I so OK?) Sometimes writing is the painful and time-consuming process, which makes me avoid such activity quite often.
But now I simply desire to clear my mind and I can see that those morning pages are too temporal healing. As a girl quoted recently, those who write every day intensify new ideas inside rather than who do it by chance. I want to change my situation with this.
The light out of the window has been changing since the very moment I sat in front of the papers. It has transformed from the misty grey silence to the blue poetry of orange fires afar.
Sluggishness of my drawing the plans and furniture was caused by nonstop thinking process inside my head. That was just a continuous stream of thoughts, ideas, questions and images which I tagged by will or not during the last few days.
Firstly, I must reorganize myself and get a sacrifice for bigger purposes. And English is not the sacrifice which is to undertake. I must gather strength and manage to complete meaningful things like mastery and writing. It’s time to know the phrase “work super hard” by practice, not only by the commencement speech of Meril Strip. I need to look at perspective and invest my time and energy into worthy activities. Presently, these are mastery = portfolio, english and writing. The minor thing but important is common education (history, literature, drama, architecture, politics etc).
Secondly, there are many things which I passionately desire to create and provide. But nothing can be done by reflecting and rotating ideas into one closed skull. And this is why I am not going to excuse people for killing my time at the mediocrely taught useless lessons. Simulataniously, I’m not going to conform with everyone I talk with which means that I’m not going to sorry for my disgust to night drinking parties at the stair.
Thirdly, the hobby I need is writing and now I do it more often. Sometimes (yesterday, for example) I have a clear mind full of questions and mental ways for thinking about different things. You know, it’s boring to have a permanent plain vision. Reading books and good written articles helps a lot though I realise it for a few seconds or less. I have a demand to intellectual work which isn’t about orginising the purchases and trips. This is why I’m so thirsty about ‘perspective’ lessons.
But, the most important point is about mindset I have presently. I do really afraid of drowning at the study routine which certainly includes doing pictures just for teachers not for creative development. I should always remind myself about main things and not to allow happenings deprive my life. It is too short to sit quietly while rubbish is going on. I don’t need rubbish I need great.