Everything ready, or it simply seems to be ready. I’m going to Moscow today to end up with the institute and check out of the hostel. That’s the main purposes. The minor ones are to walk and write more, to breathe the air of the capital. I need it as far as I won’t be there probably for a year and I will certainly miss it with all my heart. I do now.

I want to investigate some new places though I will need to pack things and take care of my new status properly. I’m going to take an academic relieve for some time. Just in case. For what exact case I cannot guess. But the thing I know is that it won’t be easy and maybe even psychologically obsessive. However, I simply must do it.

My mind is wandering in search for some faults in preparation but I simply cannot get it. It’s a habit to pack things which make me too calm to be confident in my readiness. No matter!

Besides, there is a book of that woman on studying languages I want to read and some more another books by Tony Buzan.

Moscow application 2017

After the kind and lovely film with Jim Carey, after the strange dream at five a.m. I opened eyes at Moscow suburb. There was warm springy Sun and people were slowly going somewhere. Finally, I felt nothing but some faint romantic relief in my breast. The closer I was to the hostel tenser I became. At the dark room at a half to eight, there was my unpleasant roommate. But moreover, her being there, her things were put on my bed in some terrible disorder, there were lots of sacks everywhere. OK, I just had no desire to lecture her, so I was simply angry. Surely, nobody cleaned the common room and the bathroom had become horribly dirty. Someone used my sponge, toilet paper, and dishwashing liquid. Fun isn’t it. That was a point I lost any respect for them. I had to change the room a long time ago and live in a tiny but clean and friendly environment.

Quite strange but my heart was silent while I was going to the Institute (to pay for the hostel) and some thoughts were flawed in my mind. Probably, I exaggerate, but there was an empty space and I couldn’t feel anything warm inside. I didn’t want to be noticed and as fast as I found the cash-desk closed I went away. People who were going there made me feel so different and some kind of lonely.

At the favorite street, I firstly walked a bit to feel that terrific vibes. Then despite all my desire to walk farther, I came back to the library. You know libraries are so good spaces for learning. Even me in a sad state of mind with all those low self-esteem stuff could focus there and just learn something. Before I got hunger I managed many things and came around to the idea of the usefulness of the libraries.

The cafe I came in was as usual wonderful. I took great soap and a potato, I was sitting there “as usual” looking at the people who just had lunch. Only there I could frankly think about changing the wardrobe. Then that was the bookshop where my sense of strangeness was high. I never really buy books. If I buy them it’s never that romantic long process, it’s more like a deal.

Then again library, low self-esteem and the idea that it’s going to fail. At that library, it often comes to my mind that the thing I study is so primary comparing with their exam preparations and other activities. But finally, it’s OK, nobody matters.

After some time I went for a walk at the center. It was shining with Sun and good looking people around. I visited an old bookshop, drunk coffee and ate a burger at the quiet square by the university campus. There was so wonderful sight. And no tourists around. But I must confess that my only and the most important problem is the sharp loneliness. The great city in its blossom but I don’t want anything alone. And I feel even more alienated than ever. Adding the common recent state I try not to cry because of the stupidity of the roommate. Isn’t it silly? I just must work on my network.

Before the road to M

So today I’m going to sit on the bus and go to Moscow for the exams. What am I feeling? Actually relief. It is not because of the exams or life changing process but because I am going to Moscow which means I’ll be able to walk there and visit my favorite places. It means being at the town. For some reason, it takes me an easiness. It would be perfect if there was a flat of mine.

On the road to the bus station, I met NastyaH who was coming to the hospital. Our talk was fun and friendly, I’d got that people had misunderstood my silence and I should be more open with them. Then I luckily bought a ticket and walked down the road on foot. It even seemed marvelous. I mean the idea to stay at the same place. Everything is easy and understandable enough.

At home, I packed the backpack and downloaded some films for the road. The thing I found out is that feature films are rather boring for me right now, I cannot watch them as much as before. I’ve got one Jim Carey’s comedy – perfect for the road and the documentaries by Parfenov (which I really like). Speaking of documentaries I must say that for me it’s an easy and convenient way to know the world, but this way isn’t the best. The best is traveling and connecting with a variety of people. That’s best for sure.

I even looked up the books on the war topic (the next one for mastery). It was strangely tiresome to wade through the jungle of the plots. Fiction books certainly are not so touchy for me as non-fictional. Or I just ain’t able to read it. Which is more probable. (But of course, I picked one just in case).

Actually, I have no desire to prepare for the exams, it’s weakness, yes. I have already refused to go to Spb (I watched the rating – it speaks I won’t be applied even with maximum mark. Speak nothing about my real level) The other situation happens with the local university where I certainly can enter, at least for the part-time program. And it could be interesting to have an additional diploma.

The other idea which hovers in my mind is to get a job for the weekends. I need money as much as I need independence (and privacy).

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2/10. May holiday at home

That was the second day at hometown and home particularly. I was going to write every day but for the reason of tiresome, I hadn’t done it yesterday. These two days we were shopping across the town, we’d been at all the big trade centers and small old ones. Tonight I got that I could not see shoes anymore. My wishes are very concrete and understandable (which makes it more manageable at Moscow rather than here). I’d better overpay for quality and comfort than waste hours and hours in the temptation to find a needle in a haystack. However, I cannot be angry with mom by her hesitation and endless search.

My visit here emerged some thoughts about the capital town as a beautiful and blossoming place. I totally forgot how terribly boring the life here is, how empty the streets and how colorless are rare people. I have no idea where to go out and where to walk despite all the years here. People move less, are less diverse and calmed down in a bad way. There is poor history around here. I don’t know, it’s felt limited and narrow like shallow water where is nothing more than can be seen.  And it appeared to me not so evident from the Moscow point of view.

I thought I could hear myself better here but it turned out controversy, there is more noise of routine and narrow-mindedness than I presumed.

after SPb

I need to describe, to leave some pieces of evidence of lasted trip. Saint Petersburg remained in my mind as a dirty, dusty town with spoiled street and grand architecture. That was a relief to come back to Moscow and open the door to my room. My routine at Peter’s was totally the life of Nastya: her room, road to the work, habits, and friends. That was clear to me that my life, whatever it is, is much better than her despite her independence, personal life, work, and perspectives. I felt like my own problems, routines and dreams are more suitable for me. They are totally mine and this makes them the best for me. The best match you’ve watched is what you’ve played.

My joy of living own life allowed me to work with a lighter mood. I could really roll up my sleeves and do need. Whoever the teachers and course mates are. I surely got that being a visitor at the theater is enough for me. No scene construction, please (Nastya will work with it someday). The other thing I got is that Moscow is the best Russian option for me (yes, despite all gray people, traffic jam, and housing problem). There are so many spaces for walking and working and developing. Immediately, I began to appreciate my being here and love little pretty details which define this town.

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Mom in town

The early morning call by my mom made me get up. She was to enter the town. I did my exercises, make-up and all other morning routine. I was waiting for her at the entrance hall by the aquarium. Fast and easy were happened to be at my room where she could evaluate the coziness I made. Delicious regular breakfast with hometown sweets. There were some new jars at the fringe. Though I looked fresh my manners were closed and awkward.

The way to the visa center we were talking about all different minor things. The path led by Google wasn’t right because of the fence. Mom amicably asked the cleaner and he gaily told us everything. The yard of the centers was typical for any public service. The polite man at the entrance helped us to figure out what to do in the process which was simple and therefore not so magical as British one. My mind blurred away and I didn’t understand anything. Thank God, mom organised all that stuff – mine responsibility is the cultural program and logistic. So we were photographed (really bad), fingerprinted (not impressive). As for me that didn’t have such special spirit as real consulates have (that was just the visa centre).

We went out with some lightness by done task. As for me I felt the hardship inside. Some terrible inner pain which reason was in her desire to pay for my study and continue all this tiresome stuff. I kept silence while we went through the grey district to the metro station.

During the way we decided to go away at the center and visit my favorite cafe. The exit wasn’t right but for some reason we found the other cafe of that label. That was a place, menu and time I like mostly. The spirit of young and fresh center with deep background. We both took the cream soups and I added the cake, she added the Quiche. That was as noisy and vital as usual. I could feel so free and easy to think up ideas and talk about positive things like Czech beer, dreams coming true and the historical spirit of the central district – the only place where Moscow is actually Moscow. The conversation was like close friends’ meeting at the coffee shop. Evidently I didn’t want to finish that, but we had to. For some short moments of drinking black tea with tasty curd pancake I even could feel happiness. While we were waiting for a bus she noticed the way people wear here. It totally depends on the district. 8bf5ebfd6a0b20423456a7f50eb335e1

At the station it turned out that the next bus was at six this is why she decided to put me on the bus and wait at the train station. That was cold and uncomfortable. She said I looked sad, so I was. I didn’t want to go to my district, to the hostel, to the institute, to the tasks, to all those people. She offered to buy a ticket and ride with her. But I took a bus and moved to the North with some music. En route it turned out to be the accident with three cars. As we stopped I decided to go to the hostel instead of the meaningless lessons and went though the park.

Those were stones inside my breast, stones of low self-esteem, doubts and fear. I’m twenty-two and I don’t feel like I know who am I. Does anybody know for sure at all?

Another pretty Tuesday

It looks like I’m going to forget how to describe my days. Anyway, I have some things to say. Right now I’m at home with the bag ready for another little trip to Moscow. But at the middle of the day I was so absorbed with script writing that I had totally forgotten about any preparation or packing.

The idea which I had since the very moment of listening the newest album of Ludovico Einaudi emerged every time I heard the track. And of course I did plan to do something on it. Yesterday morning I spent cooperating with Helga who seemed to me the most active and ready for experiment person. My pleasure was great to know that she’s in game. The rest of the day I was anxious about every little detail and the whole picture. This afternoon the outline was ready (not perfect but is). Now I have some idea about the hardship and invisible efforts needed for making even such a short video. We hadn’t started the filming yet. But I know we will do it anyway.

The other thing which grabs my intention is kind of international opportunities which I actively look for. To this particular moment I cannot say that I have found something suitable. There are many obstacles and difficulties ahead of me.

I assume that it will never be finished I mean the struggle with own ignorance, fears and without demands. But speaking this way I don’t want to say it’s bad, conversely the overcoming process makes life vital and dynamic. Nobody complains because of the risks and drive at the attraction. Life is something the same. You’ll never get nor satisfaction or achievement without risks of failure and zealous investment into life. I remember the great lines from a book: “You’ll never fail if you know you have done all possible”. Retrieving this phrase from time to time I realize that I do not want to be a complaining and suffering person at the end of any process. And the only stable way to avoid it is to be active and invest time and efforts into valuable things. It’s funny to know that any moment of life you can choice between a few options and it’s a free right to choose.
Oh, I’ve written some pathetic ideas again. That’s all me. I actually like the way of political speech (out of the reality context, of course) and rhetoric, discussions as well as human rights. Oh, I’m really afraid of absolute absences of such things at the institute. It’s never enough for me, there is always a choice between few options.

Fast turn

So, finally I got myself in front of the computer screen. This day actually was almost free, but I felt quiet busy and stressed just because of the habit.

Let’s start with the fact that now I’m at home. My plan was to stay at Moscow a few days more but mom insisted on passing the exam at the local university and I came.

That day was so emotional. I got up early and slowly went to the institute for the last exam – interview. The weather was so grey that I cheered myself up by stating that the grey weather was much better for exam situation as it was really calm. And it made me really happy. The street and the institute itself were so empty that one moment I thought that it was a mistake. But no, there were people with notebooks at the corridor. I found out what was going on and passed to the first group of applicants. However, it took time.

The studio which was opened for us to revise notes was full of easels and stools. The girls read their summaries with great earnest. The whole situation reminded me the literature exam at the college and I didn’t like it. Instead of time among the gigling girls I stayed at the corridor where air seemed to me more fresh. My mind was too focused and relaxed the same time for talking about nothing. But I did it with Nastya Ch.

The examination room was white and good lighted, actually that was no more than the studio with the tables instead of easels. The questions were mixed in common mess and I was confused by it. The last year they devided these by the departments, now it was the heap. I took one and it turned out to be one with animation question. I sat down with the blank for notes.

Nonetheless, while I was sitting many other applicants talked on different topic and I got that there was a chance to win by the common education. When the summary was done (incomplete and unclear) I knew that’s finish. I didn’t understand how that happened but I easily jumped above questions and talked much about things I knew (Van Gogh’s biography, colours’ symbolism) Of course they caught me on the ingnorance in the russian animation. I didn’t watch and actually have no desire to watch classic films. And my childhood was full of Dysney products rather than local. However, it seemed fine and we passed to Production Design. I told about Aronin and Mikhalkov’s films maybe too emotional for being called logical. That was clear adrenaline and pleasure to hear something about War&Peace BBC production. I said good bye and went out.

I laughed and exclaimed in pleasure, talked to other girls in a rush, got aquanted with one costume designer and was waiting for Nastya to come to the park and eat some ice-cream together. But when she got out she didn’t talk with anyone, took her bag and fastly directed to the stairs. She was in tears and hardly spoke about the unlucky question, cold approach of teachers and her ignorance in thrillers and architecture. I tryed to relief her with jokes and my high spirit, with my vague situation and unfair mark for the second tour. (This is the other painful story)

At the park we discussed the new films and our impressions by acting. Then I led her to the centere where we had a brunch. She talked too much but after some time I could see the light in her nature. Something strange and distorted, some desire to be right as well as habit to be laughed at, to be awkward and odd. I left her at the New Arbat Avenue and went to the hostel.

The rest of the day I spend at the Vorobyevy’s hills. There were so much water and trees and calm people around. That was some concert at the stadium near and sounds were omnipresent. Frankly, I didn’t think or reflect much, my mind jumped throught the ideas I could say at the interview or it was empty at all. Quiteness was so suitable for me then but the same time so boring. To the moment I came to the MSU main building I had already been bored. Of course, at the viewpoint I tryed to feel some like or dislike to the town but couldn’t percieve enough emotions in general.

The MSU building, park and especially the sport pitches impressed me more. People had workouts at the tennis courts and running tracks. The back yard was full of cars which would ride out to the sunset. I wanted to play tennis then rather than just wonder around the park.

I hardly managed to go to the hostel and drink some tea. And then it had been started. Mom called and we was to decide either go home then or avoid the exam. She hesitated and called me so often that I was irritated by her indecision. That was night when I tryed to reserve the bus ticket, went to the bookstore for the textbook and to the grocery for snatch. Then fastly and smart I packed the suitcase talking and gigling the same time with girls. They were so friendly and opened.

The next morning I woke up the first at the room, took my buggage and called taxi. Then, you know, there were magnificent sunny roads of Sunday Moscow and taxi rider from the near to my hometown. Again it was badly organised but I could read the textbook with the earplugs.

2 tour, painting.

That was really strange that the neighbour turned on the conditioning and predicted the hot night and then I woke up at the clearly grey morning. There were all signs of storm outside. The only person who amazed was me, others cleaned everything up, swept streets and removed branches. I run at the park and one moment a crowd of martial students run me down. I had such moments only here. Happily I returned to the hostel and did everything calm.
The way to the institute was a bit unusual. The shop was closed at the late morning and I had to pass the construction again. Then I discovered how old the subway really is. The train on the red line stopped three times between four stations, doors squeaked and there was noise pollution all the time. I saw it but didn’t noticed as something archaic.
The workshop as I found it the first minute I came was in mess: stools, easels and stands were placed chaotically on the dirty black floor. The next amazement was the set. I turned the head and saw the woman sitting on the background of nothing. Colours were not harmonious and this is the reason why my first intention was to change it. I almost said something about too light drapery at the stool when I’d pinched myself to stay a humble applicant but not a self-confident no one. There was no difference in viewpoint so I fastly set the easel and removed stuff outside my place. Then the other boy had to replace his easel near to me and also he cleaned the remained rubbish at the corner. And everyone could walk and see the black floor at the workshop.
The process itself was fascinating and hard the same time. I noticed one difference in my approach. Earlier I based painting on dark colours, shadows and had problems with clear light, now I foundate at the light bright colours and cope with shadows. But as I did not really painted the whole year that was a bit hard to stay on previous level.
To be honest, I was irritated and had dark thoughts about everything around me. It was like in Sherlock “Anderson, you lower IQ of the whole district”, the social enviroment seemed me childish and that boy – pathetic. To my mind, they all had no idea of academic painting and how to do it. But I see it from my point of view and I can overlook something without.
I was really happy to leave the art department, look at the books on the second floor and meet Nastya at the escalator. Time passed so fast that I managed only to cook something, call mom, write this and watch really inspiring vebinar on education opportunities. Let’s be frank, now in front of insignificant reality I forget about the purposes and main desires. I should stay myself and consider this all as an investment in future. However, I feel that my patience in doing right things is limited and I need real creativity.

Monday, the second tour.

So, it is a very productive and kind of happy Monday.
I’d been sleeping well the whole night (thanks earplugs) and woke up at time. The workout was good but not exellent, I run only two kilometers on the near streets and looked at the American embassy once again. People were sleeping that time and roads were remarkably empty.

Undoubtedly, it was physically hard to carry the art stuff and two canvas with the palette. At my station the sky was noticably big and opened, trees smelled like, you know, trees, real things. I entered the entrance hall at nine and had to wait until nine fourty. The girls talked about different points of the entrance process. I heard them and recieved that my own attitude is in the course of work. I thought clearly that this is the study time and as usual I would paint the still life and everything after. And this really helps me to focus on the work itself.
We got at the fourth floor late and had no surprise by not ready for work easels. The still life was set beautifully. At the first glumpse it seemed absolutely green and yellow but deep in the process I found out that it had more pink and blue tunes than it seemed. I was absorbed with the painting and didn’t feel tired as it was at the composition. Immediately it became much easier to breath and smile thought the Master didn’t come to me personally and didn’t marked me. As usual many ideas came to my mind and enlighted that time. However, to the end of time I’d felt some tiredsome and hungriness. “Not new struggle” – thought I and continued.
After packing and washing, I met Nastya Ch. by the notice board where she was amazing some people’s marks. I washed hands at the Photography’s floor and went to the canteen. It is the big enough room, with stucco moulding and chandelier. A few rows of tables where more or less interesting people sitted, refreshments at one corner and meal at the other. I took something with meat and payed not so little as it should be at the student canteen. It was basically nice to be inside such creative area.
It was sun and fresh at the center, I happily went to the library to learn history. But sometimes I should remember again that not libraries, not museums work at Mondays. Yes, I went down the beautiful cheerful street instead of study. The construction at the New Arbat is almost done and we can see the empty field of concrete.
So, I am to study some more topics for the interview which I want to pass fun and great the same time.