So, these three days went away. Maybe that was the hardest part of the exam process and I certainly should record it here timely because now it all seems far away from the present moment. However, I try.
It was a rush morning of friday: I couldn’t fell asleep the whole night and the moment the alarm clock rang I got up like a troop. Then I run even less than usual. At the undergroung it was noisy and crowdy but I closed my eyes to find an axes inside. The entrance of the institute was crowded with lots of applicants, I went by them easily and upstaired. At the hall girls sharpened their pencils, so did I. Though it was simple to stay calm outside the nervious enviroment, I felt some stress at the crowd in front of the door. It was stupid by them to orginise us that way (it’s a different kind of talk) I was the only person with salad and cardboard. Moreover it was physically hard to keep everything in hands we found out the workshops not ready for work. Can you imagine this? Time was up, but we had to spend it on removing easels and stools. So, I shouldn’t be criticital about them. While I set the workplace the Master asked me all the information about education and that was the only thing which he said me.
The process itself was hard for me. I tryed to modify the habits into the “new” demands: to show mood, light and shadow, interior, exterior. I’d chosen the theme “Interesting job” and didn’t realised that understood it ironically while they meant it seriously. This is why (and because they asked to base on own observations) I drawn the post office’s routine, slowness of fishermen at the ice, boredom at the electronic store but dynamic of tennis player. I did that all in a rush without real breaks or dinner, without noticing other people. However, the teacher who came there so often distracked me a bit. I remember that at the college we all began to mix colours instead of real painting while the teacher was behind. Even the toilet pauses were short and nervious. To the end of the time I was persuaded that my sheet was terrible. I saw just one of other people but strained myself.
The way back Nastya Ch. talked hyped-up. I couldn’t keep up with her energy level. I went to the Tretyakovskya and ate my salad at the bench. I remember how sadly my thoughts was. Gloomy I was going on the road in search of coffee or cake to relieve myself. But at once it showered and the option of the underground seemed me great.
At the Moscow Book Store it was the book presentation. The literator who was to come (Dmitry Bykov) was known to me by his literature lectures and horrific likeness with my dad. I was sitting there again and just observe clearly Moscow people: girl with real Moschino coat but speaking culturally and some guys showing off with some connections. However, I was sitting there again, but quiet upset and frozen. He was late ten minutes but appeared in the crowd with a book in hand as he had just bought it. He seemed an ordinary man in shorts and windbreaker, more grey haired than on public photos. His manners looked drowsy while the voice sounded vital.
The talk was wide, he touched the points of the Internet, revolution as a surgery, about new generation ahead and the hardship of making career in the present situation. It was fun, educating and sometimes vague for me (without literature education). I couldn’t make out who are that authour they were speaking about. I went out at the beginning of autograph session as I wasn’t to buy and read the book.
The air was more fresh as it had been after the meeting with Pozner. I ate the soap at the cafe and was totally inspired for everything ahead.
Yes, it’s time. It is a shower outside and the neighbours are here. I cannot understand how people live like this for years.
For me this day began late, I went for run at nine thirty. My routine road to the pond was fresh. I run there even more fast than usual. There were many runners and dog-bredders. I observed the group of garbage-collectors who were just talking at the bench and the people at the boat who cleaned the whole pond from the green algae. A girl with a vup of coffee was wondering around and the woman was read the fat book. However, it showered at my last round. The way back I did long. I run to the upscale cafe, to the strange neo-gothic building where I was banished from. At the hostel I did all things which I was dreaming about the whole time under the rain.
I didn’t want to go out and do something special. That was some different kind of lazziness as some form prediction from being crammed and tired. However I went out and directed the Kremlin. By the way I recognised some streets and buildings again. That became easier to orginise mind map. But basically I felt boredom and tiredness by that wandering. I visited GUM and the bookstore Moscow but my desire to buy some book (there are many reading people) and my pragmatic mind didn’t blend together.
I was passive and a bit sad while the way to the institute. There I tryed to alarm quickly and ask questions. That was another situation to the last year. They talked everything in very detail with jokes and answers on questions. Of course, I could critise them by something but basically that was what they are. I can’t accuse them in this. And frankly I don’t want to think about this now.
I found out Nastya quickly and we went out. We turned the corner and saw window outside which it was shower. We waited some time and knew that we both applied to the local uni just in a case. Later it became more and more burdensome to lead the conversation with her. She wants to look better, cleverer and generally more sly than she is. And it’s boring to try to guard my confidence and way of life. To say simple, I feel old beside her.
Let it be.
So, the first day at Moscow is over. I’m sitting at the bed on the second level while nobody’s here. It turned out that those two sisters have stayed here for now, but the other woman is new. She seemed to me a bit shrewish. I moved out her things from “my” shelves and her response was more emotional than it worths. No matter.
This all started at the bus where I craved to get at the place. There were usual people though not so many workers but women. I found the double seat far away from the TV. I looked out the window and listened BBC radio. The colourful landscapes of forests, ravine and fields passed rapidly. Some country people rode on bike at the background of sunset. There was a silence and calm.
The whole night I slept. Sometimes I woke up to change the pose but basically I’d been sleeping until five a.m. Moscow was brightly sunny when I opened the sleep mask. Shops, people, buildings. But beside the train station I pleasantly recongnised the Stalin scysraper and famous Kazan train station. I looked at the building with different more curious eyes.
Without any surprise there was a cram at the subway though it’d been six o’clock. I felt greatly fresh and ready to shine. Beside the hostel I spend some time at the little park. The receptionist greeted me agreeably and I could change the clothes, make up etc.
The district of the center is terribly dug up, people go at the bypass ways while dust and endless noise of machines. Of course the fence is filled with positive phrases but it is suprisingly hard to find the proper way everytime.
The hardest part of the day concerns the institute. It was hard to carry the portfolio on through the city full of people and constructions. The last year there were crowds of people at the entrance and at the corridors. But today that was a half empty building. Quietly and reasonably I got the pictures at one of the workshops and waited for some words. To say about my inner condition, it was absolutely calm and a bit indifferent. Maybe because of the repeat I take it all easily and know perfectly that I’ll manage this time anyway. I don’t know, but I am so emotionally empty. There is no place for anxiety or fear. I orginised the pieces good, cleared the place and was ready. The teachers looked at my pictures and said that I’m compatitive despite not absolutely proper composition. I did it by the teacher’s words and found out that my own vision was nearer to the right. The woman offered me to go to the costume faculty as compositions have the needed approach and observations of different people. Nice. Actually I did that all by willpower. I filled in the form, got my pass, took the pictures at the bag and placidly went down. During the whole process it had been raining outside and then it was wet and nice. But carrying the bag was challening as usual.
The rest of the day I spend wondering around the center. I felt do tired that mistakenly went to the wrong station and got it only at the place. It was enjoyabe to visit the bookstore and listen the talkish consultant, young girls. The center was greatly decorated and some ice-cream fair went on but I was closed to pleasure of the moment. There was a very polite worker at the connection service, educated consultant at the foreign literature’s bookstore. Something’s changed, something the same. I don’t matter and don’t want to mimicry. I just happy to be myself.
It’s the midday of Thursday. It’s under a week before new Moscow epic. Yesterday I wasted my time utterly fruitless. That was a regular burst of ancient subcinsious fears and underestimation. I’ve got caught by the fixed mindset again! While I was rereading the quotes of the book (I mean Mindset) and felt how hard I really is to change your tune on the free and opened. I means the refusal from the most visible images which imaginery, society and education grow up. Again I want to be free out of the judgements and prejudice and just do what I love. I just need to comprehend that this is all my life and I can do what I prefer to do. Nor parents or background should restrain from the development. It’s silly. To say that I hate this enviroment is so easy but completely pointless in order of changing.
I just need to make order in my mind to go to Moscow with the clarity, courage and zeal.
Let’s begin with yesterday evening when I made mom sit down to let me draw her. We talked much about something and unnoticably remembered my best friend at the elementary school who graduates from the Moscow State Uni this time. I regreted that hadn’t gone to the music school. I was offered to enter as the mother of my friend was the director there. But I said straight no. I did so because of the real risk to compete with her and be kinda retarded friend. And mom would compare us and expect something from me. I thought that way and refused. But now I frankly regret that I was so silly and narrow-minded.
However, I couldn’t avoid the comparison even in that talk. There is something in her eyes which show me some .. you know something like “I’d like you to be the same successful as her”. I remember how she bought me the same chocolate as this girl’s parents bought to her with the intention to make me smarter. (Ha ha it was “snickers”)
I had laughed about people of my course trying to get round the awkward moment of comparison then. It is quiet visible. She graduates from the best Uni of the country while I prepare with effort to be applied.
This morning I opened the page of my state exams to know what’s result for English. It’s 80 out of 100. Little mistakes with listening and writing. Then I looked through the feed and found out that this school friend of mine had expected red diploma with the golden medal. Of course I was glad for her and congradulated.
After a few hours of boring learning of Russian nineteenth century art (which I greatly loved earlier) I couldn’t endure no more. Walking the same way I thought and felt that I terribly tired by mediocrity of the whole this life. It remains so little time before the exams and the hardest thing is to endure the boredom and routine way of preparation. I mean not the creativity but lack of connection and being at home the whole day. And the same time I know that being able to cope with it’s psychological hardship is a part of achieving goals.
I tryed to get an answer on question how she managed that all. And my answer lies in self-confidence, well rounded condition, good enviroment and the clear vision. My coursemate at the collage who turned out to live next door to her scolded her and called arrogant and goal oriented. Another one who went to tennis with her avoided to be called a part of her surrounding. But we were the best friends four years and just connected a few years more.
I still do not know why mom’s reaction or the fact itself distracked me. I know that I need better social enviroment and some more close people. I need to stay strong inside and no repeat mistakes.
Frankly, studying is hard. The sense of time distorts and I perceive it like endless evening with no beginning or end. The knowledge is never enough and after a few hours of close attention I’ve began to deserve drawing and painting. I wanted to move out of the room, to breathe summer air and have all nice things of the season. However, I manage this all good. Topics have many links with each other and unwillingly I repeat or know old things better.
There was so great pleasure to read about Stalin’s skyscrapers. Immediately I’d wished to go inside and watch from the highest point at the whole city. Architecture is so exciting and imaginative subject. It makes stories look real. After looking through the Senate of Moscow Kremlin I could imagine the presidential routine much much better. And how fun it could be to observe “the big fishes” in daily working life. I can’t bear it from myself that my interest in high privileged sort of people is much bigger than in common people. All their weakness and strength have an effect on huge number of people.
Nonetheless, the day has only began and I have some more challenges for today. It is clear that I need more creative “exercises” as my vision becomes good structured but not flexible by the regular study of history.
So, it’s my third day at home and there is no post on the romantic topic of road and it’s drawbacks. This is because of me who keep the word to be very active and do more for managing more. This is why two evening I either prime the canvas or sort out photos from the trip or download all the russian films I must watch and read my book (on the introduction step).
Now it is sunny morning with green trees out of the window and the cawing crow. I had the omelette for breakfast and have satisfied with it very much. How did I miss eggs!
Though, it’s time to back to Moscow. It was night when I was going to the subway, the town was different, almost empty but more dangerous and misterious. Near by the construction my heel was knocked down. In great hurry I amended it and went farther. That was the first time I saw the floor at the Arbatskya station. There wasn’t usual crowd but strange suspicious people who I tried to avoid. Even the railway station seemed to be more quiet and deserted. As I was aware of entries and exits, staircases and corridors it was easy to carry so much baggage to the platform. And there was no surprise when super Chuvash woman tried to humiliate others for her own vanity. People crowded around the railcars, talked or carried things inside. Of course, young men jumped the queue but it hadn’t any influence on anything generally. I was lucky to be surrounded with female. They patiently waited for me making the bed and stirring everywhere. I know I am a bad neighbour. It was night and I had no desire to look out of the window but sleep. It was the typical not full kind of sleep I have at the train. At the morning I was woken up by the frozen leg. Then everything was quiet: tasty breakfast, film 400 blows, the dinner – and at the next moment it had already been Cheboksary.
The weather blossomed. Sun lighted the green grass and trees, air and streets seemed significantly clearer. Mom had new haircut and another jacket. I had no inner problem in coming out of the capital, nor pathetic nor pose. The flat seemed very clear and comfortable – everything free to use. After the pea soup I sorted the baggage out so quickly and prepared clothes for washing so fast that I have time to go to know my exam results. And it is not so good as I hoped. And now I cannot know exactly the mistakes. Mom was a bit sad about it as it means I must work on the creative exams harder. But when I passed through the country like streets with little amount of cars and new building farther I was inspired very much. It was so easy to breath and think. That is behind.
The rest of the day I orginised the next two months and did little things.
So, the suitcase has completed, the dinner is eaten, rubbish is thrown away. And what else? I’m ready for the night train and have the intention to ride away now. But I have the lesson today and my train is at midnight.
I woke up so happy and enthusiastic to move on that I smiled and talked nicely with the Spanish man at the hall. The run was refreshing as usual. The track for run and dog walking was wet and grey today. Calm swans glided on the water surface while dogs were running and barking at each other. Funny character of a man who took a business call and told about something serious. He was in the black outfit which made him look like walrus. Many old people with ski poles. The pond was tranquil as usual, and as usual very pleasant. I found out the very harmonious Chinesse restourant at the corner of the building. It reminded me some Boston’s cafe on the corner. Basically, it all was the same. The same quietness, the same stir. Difference was in the weather which is so rainy now that I ch
ose the warmer boots for moving.
Yesterday I watched two particularly interesting interviews by Pozner with Tatyana Chernigovskay. She told about the influence of Internet and typing on the brain and the fact that out brain decides everything ahead us. He takes decision, we do something and then he convinces us that this decision was our own. So we all have things decided long before we know it. I got it always that brain is much smarter than me.
The another thing was that wrong answers and untypical thinking make people more like genius. She noted that genius couldn’t take the State Exam well. And I know why. While I was preparing for this stuff I could feel the bad effect. There was no desire to be curious, to think through and find the gist. No, there were just answers on questions. This is why I really want to return to that eager approach in study and life.
Also she told about the artifical intelligence which can develop so that it will desire to blackout us. Scary things.
But the way she answered questions and reflected inspired me to keep up with the old fashioned way of consumering informatio and think over my cellphone’s habits. I know that it would be better to limit my time there and maybe to come back to the paper recorder.
Now, I see that the decision not to make the new storyboard was silly and childish. I have time and place. What else? It’s important to begin the intensive process at home without any delay. There won’t be any excuses. I know.
Actually, this is the last real day here.
I woke up late because of the yesterday headache and heaviness. But there was no shame about it. The weather was windy and grey, the playground where I do my exercises was surrounded by hurrying pupils and hurrying cars. Many big cars at the small roads of the old district.
I didn’t do the storyboard only because of the low spirit. To the midday I went out to walk to the Hermitage Garden. The Tverskoy avenue was wealthy decorated to the first may. People took photos and selfies around everything. Florish archs, grassy monuments of the couples, sporty sculptures and many little decorations. There would be some gardening fair. My way led through the same place we were with Mary. But I couldn’t make out how the roads are established that the other side was nearer than that. So I was going there with music and high spirit among the stirring street. Cars don’t like to give you a way but boldly ride forward. Though the streets, shops and little park are nice. You can pass forward with pleasure and contemplation. Yes, cars are there but the green zones are there too. As well as great old architecture all around the center. At the Garden there were beautiful theatre, neat grass, benches and big playground with the country like cafe. The monument to Dante and many places to seat and read. Everything is quiet gracious.
The whole walk I was considering about my attitude to this town. The point is that this is so alike the hometown (mentality, order of things etc) that I don’t feel much confusion by being not local. At some degree I even like this. There are many interesting places and people, many opportunities for realization. And the outlook became better than before.
I make the conclusion that my feeling like home is so wide and limitless because of the sense of home inside me. Not outside. However, I miss my privicy and physical place which I have at home.
Near by the misterous synagogue with the David’s star at the whole fence I bought the jogurt which ate at the bench. The view was the crossroads filled with furious cars. But it was so romantic and plain for me. The little rain and visit to the candyshop made me happy even more.
I finished to read Great Expectations and am going to begin Odyssey. Not well planned days are so idle – think ahead always.
The grey day most of which I feel tired and exhusted. Before the dinner it was a torture to outline ideas for the storyboard. It’s so hard to follow the rules(suggestions) and make creative pictures with expression and fantasy. I found out that my mind is empty about the strange situations at the train station or at the exhibition. And it was so easy to plunge into my fantasies that most of that time I was sitting moveless trying to find the gold in my mind. Only rubbish. My head dizzied and I wanted nothing. Hate such moments but I wrote my thoughts down and got some ideas for overcoming such a BIG BIG problem. I’m looking forward the time at home, it will be full of business and growth. I hope, I know.
Now it’s hard to do many things and there is no desire to describe it. I need more space or just the sign to begin. Or just begin. I have gone to the conclusion that I need to remind myself about all that stuff more frequently because it is so easy to forget and hover above clouds without anything done.
At the painting my head had been still dizzying but I tryed really hard to improve the canvas. Of course, the still life isn’t the product of adequate painter but the training. I still don’t connect with other girls as everytime I feelmyself much older, wiser and proficent than they are. And it’s hard to paint and talk the same time. The teacher asked me again about the education and was satisfied with my work. But I totally dislike his manners and the assertion that there is no artist who draw like twenty years ago. Common, come into the Glazunov’s academy and you’ll see!
I went out without Nastya and spoke with myself until the very subway. Why am I so tired? I need to schedule and sort things out.