2017 September 276I skipped the lessons yesterday and today, and grandmom was lecturing me because of this. But all this time I tried to figure out how to make everything. I try to clean my mind inside and see the picture. My usual activity. But today I came to the idea to come back to the institute but try to get the part-time theoretical education. My activity leads somewhere between actual painting, philosophical scientific research, and teaching. What is it exactly I have no clear idea. And that’s not bad, I suppose. It will come to me gradually someway. I just must keep up working and listening to the inner voice. It’s better to take the best experience out of the current situation. And I need some outer support (yes, let’s write it thousand times and it will be) like clever lectures, books, interesting videos. Something that won’t let me drown beside these people. They are not toxic but mediocre and empty.

My interests often put me in an awkward position of uncertainty. I’m interested in too many things like philosophy, phonetics, British and World history, negotiations and mediation techniques, Polish language, and brain structure. With all my interests I actually do nothing. And that’s sucks. I need to work harder and effectively.


Evening thought

As I tweeted on the lack of time today equals no time for something at all. I mean time won’t multiply it only decreases. So if we don’t have time for something valuable today, surely, there won’t be time for this in future. We must understand it. We all are going to die, we all are going backwards, not forward. So, there is no point in hesitating, waiting for some better time in future, there is no point in sitting and expecting everything to come to you by itself. Tomorrow won’t be better if you are not better today. Now! Things happen accidentally when everything is ready for this (consciously or not). Luck works for people who work on their life.

I must accept that time is against me, it takes no second chances, only one for one day. But I personally quite often feel like time is limitless, it spreads, it’s flexible. But it’s not. It’s not.


I wrote this post although there was one strong excuse for which is “I want to read and go to bed early enough, but tomorrow”. Frankly speaking, every day I am not actually going to write the posts but I intend to do it every day. I reckon myself as a diary person. But I am not a dairy person, I am not a person who writes own thoughts while I don’t actually do it.

Recently I notice the need of strong deal in my life, clarity and meaning. I need some certain desires about my actual life.

Tuesday in a room

I want to be honest with myself and not hide my own laziness and weakness in perspective of the future rereading of these notes.

The whole day I could observe the variety of gray clouds above geometry of housing area. It went to the right verge of the window as well as rare planes flying somewhere from the nearest airport. My sketches were put on the bed in order to be observed, and pencils were at the table to use them directly. I did draw the sketches, yes. But the more frequent move was the escape. It took different forms like watching book reviews, refreshing Instagram, reading the university sites, making tea, eating dried fruits, going to the kitchen to fry the lunch. After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”.

After the midday, I went to the idea of “just listening” the film which led me to Virginia Woolf’s writing – “The hours”. Maybe, my vision changed by the influence of constant watching the classic, but it seemed me so scarce and hard to understand that couldn’t believe I liked it years ago.


In a word, the whole day I tried to avoid working on the mastery in a proper way. But the truth is that I must do this and there is no other way but actually working on it. It reminds me the way I successfully avoided some tasks on the book art course; I had them done as quickly as possible in the most concentrated condition (which is the effort, not the mood to wait). So I need to have this done, it’s decided.

Perhaps, I can sound pathetically, but I suppose I need to come back to the idea of the essence of life. It means the understanding of every single day as a part of your own life. Nobody procrastinates in dreams, but everybody achieves. Isn’t it simple? What is great and exciting for me to achieve during this seven weeks? The answer is certainly not “have watched all book reviews on YouTube” or be in touch with every picture on Instagram. Sometimes I really want to turn them off and leave only the Anki-droid and Dictionary.  As I understood I totally cannot accept the work on somebody, I need to be responsible and independent. (the bad side of which is inconsistency and uncertainty) I need to feel my own control over my own life.

morning notes

Another morning at my room with coffee and chocolate.

There is a point I mull over quite frequently. It’s not even a point but the condition I am in. Meaning all this stuff with the study, with people around, all my achievements in social life which are scarce. Yesterday I was watching an interview with Michelle Obama and constantly was being inspired by her position on life. “I’m a captain of my soul, I’m a master of my fate” and “if you can’t control your life, somebody else will do this”. They were so well-balanced, so profound in their approach and priorities. The both said the first thing someone should do is understand yourself. After that, I frankly passed the real psychological test and got a result which is the same time obvious and hidden. I’m an abstract thinker with the creative mind, it’s more comfortable for me to work by myself or with a few people. It also said that such big dreamer can be editors, philosophers or CEO. Fine, isn’t it?

After that, I frankly passed the real psychological test and got a result which is the same time obvious and hidden. I’m an abstract thinker with the creative mind, it’s more comfortable for me to work by myself or with a few people. It also said that such big dreamer can be editors, philosophers or CEO. Fine, isn’t it?

The other thing I truly got out of all this time in the institute is that whatever you want to transform into, you’ll feel happier being yourself. And development is being the best of yourself. Which means being not different but better. It’s easy though it went in a way of disappointment – I couldn’t manage so my connection as it was necessary for success in this field. It’s overwhelming. (it’s not all I wanted to say but my time is over)

Conflicts and delights

This day must be excellent but a bit stressful. The result came out a bit different from my expectations. Recently my enthusiasm about some little stuff is high in the mornings. And today it was the same. I wake up early, just two minutes before the alarm clock (but slept an hour more) The first lesson was the best one – the training. And it’s quite easy to come downstairs and make exercises. As I speak to myself now “The universe itself wants me to have a good fit, and it’s a sin to ignore it” And this idea makes me absolutely happy about the obligation which makes some people moan.

After the gym, it was even more easy to feel the lightness of the holiday. At the lift, I was speaking with one animator and got her passivity about the visit to the museum.

The workshop was empty and two girls who were there didn’t have any enthusiasm about drawing. All wanted to eat the promised heap of pancakes. I was going to and fro. It turned out that one boy was left without a gift because of us. We went down to buy a book but there wasn’t any suitable. Our plan to give him a cake failed for a reason of lack of communication. That was a terrible situation when two of three were gifted but one left neglected. We ate and drunk, I even tried scotch (terrible). The conflict arose afterwards.

That was such a terrible unexpected and distracting situation that I couldn’t make out how to behave. The complicated machine of ethics and profits stuck inside me. Toilet, Instagram and breathing. It was a silent decision to shade away. The passivity and silence while my course mates spoke politely to Sasha about the ins and outs of happened. All was to persuade him in our innocence. To say shortly, it was a philosophy study case. Finally, the other girls bought him a book – something strange. I gave a part of the money. All went down.

But I was talking to Vlad about different American and British accent, we listened to each other. (My inclination to British was clear) That talk with the duration of a few hours made me feel so happy. It was hard for me to grasp quickly, I did forget the thought I wanted to say. (I become stupid while he is speaking so good – bad calls)

I went out quickly and booked an English lesson – that was really motivating for me just to talk about English with someone.

Historical Saturday

It was a failure to wake up at the late morning just because of the cellphone’s bag. No swimming pool but the omelette with onion and coffee. Some notes during the rest of the time. I try to figure out, to clear up all thoughts in my mind into the coherent strategy. Watching some motivational videos throw me back to the condition of development in the mentality at least.

At the street, there was so fresh damp air that I could feel it like in Saint Petersburg or just any place with oxygen everywhere. I bought the ticket to Peter and was happy about that. It’ll be just two days there, just weekend.

The main event of the day is evidently the lesson of Images of the past (or material history of Russia). I went there with great pleasure and the idea of all the possibilities of the life, therefore, was quite positive. The topic, approach and connection between the teacher and students were so organic and highly interesting that I went out for the lunch with the head full of thoughts. Mainly I tried to figure out what for the church make new saints and why murderers (matter of fact) become saints just because of the distraction of the enemy. He couldn’t answer my questions as they were out of historical facts but rather sophisticated human being’s nature.

At the lunch listening to girls’ complaints was unbearable and I replied them something abstract. It’s boring to moan and nag but absolutely interesting to think up, create and found out. The lunch actually was terrible and I got that lunch boxes aren’t just financially good but more tasty else.

To the end of the lesson, I was so excited that hadn’t accepted to go straight to the hostel but to the Coffee Shop. There I did regret about that and decided to not to visit sweet shop ever. The taste of coffee and sugary cakes are so terrible and heavy that it rather overloads you than makes some joy.

I will read the historical document which is a part of the homework now.

morning day

The morning was so beautiful and fresh today. Just a morning at the gym (which is occasionally on the first floor of the hostel) with the calm and enthusiastic female trainer. The whole situation was quite efficient, there were only two of us and a boy, so the trainer could pay attention to us in particular. She showed us a few exercises for a back that I had done wrong before and moreover, it turned out that I had done squats valueless all those months. But then it was a discovery and delight. Nastya besides me helped to get some movement and I did the same for her. Peaceful efficiency.

After that, I had many ideas about life, summer time, purchases and etc. The painting lesson didn’t seem something necessary. I fell in love with the clarity of mind, history, press and books, and the whole idea that all we want to be is possible (just do it!). And as fast as I got it again the ideas and the whole desire to live came back to me. How easy! But there are many things which I must elaborate with my mindset.

Also, I did the terrible thing such as payment for study. In a wave of hand someone’s vacation transformed into a few months of study. Just a magic.

At the painting I went really late, two hours late. The teacher preached me up and tried to convince me that my composition is awful. The arguments were very so beautiful that I write it here. First, the centre of the body is the centre of the composition, second, the long-term professional work at the painting. Super! I was listening to him and couldn’t believe he reckons it enough to be trusted undoubtedly. I do doubt. Since then he hadn’t come to me. And I didn’t want as there wasn’t so much time for rhetoric. I focused and did needed work while others were treading to and fro. That was the greatest idea of mine to cut time for work. The concentration increased and the result was better.

The girls asked for skipping the anatomy lesson and she allowed it. Going to the hostel it was so strange to talk to cartoon art’s girls. Not my tribe obviously. Sasha looked at my food basket I looked at her and there was a gap of lifestyle. I do not disrespect her but her conclusion making process is quite mediocre. No data, no experience but ready prejudices. Some people fit us well some are not. And the background (the same college) doesn’t help it.

Morning notes

Yesterday I even didn’t know what to write about if I wanted to avoid all complaints and whining. I don’t like to whine. But the description of the situation in a word such: the atmosphere is quiet friendly, talkative and joyful, but there is no focus on study and the study itself seems vain as well the content of talks. I couldn’t believe that Nastya really showed me her childhood photos allegedly it’s something interesting. It’s easy to look clever and hard to look hearty.

I run out there after the lesson and appreciated me-time as never ever. It’s all like school again – double life, one of which is formal, other is personal. And the concept of being myself isn’t perfect. Yesterday I tried to improve the set as it was evidently badly made. Nastya supported me before the very moment we needed to pursue the teacher who didn’t want to change anything. Everything remained the same though the teacher’s arguments were weak.

I’m happy in the mornings when I feel so fresh and have a few minutes for reading or learning. I shouldn’t drown in this activity but I feel like it affects me in a bad way. There are discreet manners and full-time sense loneliness. And the task is to stay curious, active, friendly and etc. I don’t want to mix with them and spend hours to find a proper key. No thanks. But it’s evidently weird to sit alone.

And the place for relief is a spare time which I can spend on three activities: study, personal life, and preparation for transfer. Each is immense and demand time, power and discipline. And it’s hardly possible to balance all three. Surely, I can just stop sleeping but I know how harmful it is for my abilities and mood. The other option is to score on the major study and focus on minors which are closer to the desired speciality. I don’t know. Or to work on the majors’ task firstly to free the space for real things. I don’t know what I’m here for, what is the reason of mom’s fear.

Monday’s fire

104668d45696f27b1e48c1d5206ae164Such beautiful pictures in the purple haze of optimism and inner aspiration to come pictures true. Pictures of places, actions and possible complications. All that went to my mind in the grey lit room with a cup of coffee and some YouTube videos about study.

Even when I came to the art department with the white wave paper it seemed magical. Allegedly, I was in the college I coloured and stretched the paper, talked to people easily and jumped to and fro in the desire to actively do something. The sets were not excellent to avoid my criticism, but good enough to draw. I started with the charcoal and did everything as I knew. The teachers went to suggest something, but recently I was insensible to all their advice (not good argumentation). I do by the ideas put into my head at the college and I am not to alter or even adapt to someone’s vision. It hasn’t the price it require.

After the lunch the scandal repeated. The boy asked the sitter to pose for him at the long break so when I came back from the canteen they were working again. After that the sitter hurried out the workshop to smoke and eat. (What!!) But he unyildingly replied that he’d been sitting enough to get a break. And people were embarrassed. All tried to figure out how that happened. In a moment the fire was flamed. Mary cried on Sasha and he cried on her. But the point was clear, Sasha neglected the common agreement for a schedule and stirred everything. To understand how that was going I should say that both fucked each other twice or more, cried at each other. Finally Mary tried to calm down and pressed him saying she’s not going to cover him for skipping the lessons. And all went on the bad language level. I was standing in a shock, thinking what to do and either it worths interacting. Finally, they quarreled, we all kept tense silence and the sitter was getting his lunch.

The rest of the study I rather forced myself to draw than positively (as the first hour was) tried to manage that faster. Me, Mary and our female sitter were analysing the boy’s behaviour and possible future strategies to avoid the open conflict. We changed the topic and some way begun to discuss me. The sitter said I was updated as I’m aware of some ideas. The minute after the flattering I asked them to stop praising me. The respond was kind of clever in the context. She said I’m afraid of being in the spotlight. It struck me immediately and the finish of talk I can’t remember. Basically it’s true. I’m afraid of attention. The evident drawback is luck of male attention and opportunities to be noticed. I did contemplate on this idea the rest of the day and understood the roots but didn’t got the healing.

As the day finished, the damp street and electric light let me breath and remember the morning vision. The real stuff is kind of distracting. It’s not the meal I’d like to feed myself.

Blue mood

Time is still going on, people are still talking and laughing at the tram, making real life a story, a memory. There is still fall darkness out of the window. Straight rays of car headlights. Orange and white versus deep blue. Damn air of October makes it easier, makes it clearer. It makes ideas look like a delirium.

Feverish ideas of dropping out, amending the life, leading it the other way and avoiding frightening things. Those are immense drawing, hard routine of painting, search of props, fuss at the dusty warehouses, dying the sets at the dirty clothes. Are they so terrible? As terrible as a young girl carrying the 100×150 canvases through the town. As terrible as working scars and burns.

But ideas and desires are still there in the heart. Desire to live life, to tell stories, convey ideas (study them firstly), learn new knowledges and skills. Speak out and have worth thing to say. Don’t be narrow, don’t limit yourself, don’t compromise with formalities. Have a way (whatever it means). Have a dream and pursue it.

There is a list at the notebook, it is titled “Things I want to study” and there are not only artsy subjects like architecture and script writing but politics and social studies with business marketing. I feel I need to know how big creative process works. I’m an odd person at the clearly creative community or I just have another mindset. Does it mean I am not at the suitable industry? Does this deviation value anything at all? Is it bad?

I want frightening things in tough industry. Do I really want?