It’s really hard to keep thoughts inside such a small head. Yesterday mom and I spend about six hours at the anniversary celebration of my grandmother’s younger brother. That was very queer for me. We went there by taxi. It was the end of a street in a country which isn’t so easy to drive. So, for me, it’s an obvious downturn.
We came inside and almost immediately we met my cousin. She changed in a bad way, got weight. I didn’t know what to do, people who in the best cases I barely knew approached me hugged and asked some questions (like we were close friends, but we weren’t). There was a long table with appetizers on it. I felt as uncomfortable as it was a foreign country to me. People around spoke Chuvash loudly, made stupid jokes and nickered. The whole evening I tried to keep my face friendly or neutral. But the food was good (thanks to a cooker). We gifted one of my pictures (which I couldn’t sell for years) and they seemed satisfied.
After the first serving, I went to the backyard to hide from the strange relatives and maybe to read. I suppose I looked exactly like silent closed people who sit with a book during a party. People were amazed by me not dancing or talking to someone. But once I was at the bench swing three older women surrounded me and interrogated with obvious but hard to answer questions. Where am I, what do I do and etc? My official legend is Moscow, VGIK (what rings no bell in their mind), painting. It’s not so easy to tell it when you don’t feel it in so many levels. And you know almost nothing about interviewers.
People were of the kind I precisely expected. Interests in gardening, pension reform, children, but gardening in the first place. The young people who drove later were like their children. Mothers suffering from post-childbirth weight gain, speaking vulgarly about Turkish hotels where you can swim (really?) and controlling their children with dull toys in their hands. No way I wanted to network with them. My cousin and I had a moment of talk drinking red wine, we tried to recall old times when we spend so much time together. But frankly speaking, at this moment we are so distant in life and mindset. She has two children, a husband and a job at her father’s factory. When they gave me a lift afterwards her son spoke: мой язык жгет. Firstly I thought that it’s just an unaware child making mistakes but then both mother and father said it. So I couldn’t restrain myself and made a notice that it’s right to tell жжёт. Then I lamely tried to smooth it. But whatever snob inside of me can’t bear such rude mistakes.
In my attempt to hide I sneaked out of the house and walked down to a pond. It was naturally beautiful and calm (though music destroyed the silence). I made photos and wanted to row there. In the evening I returned and had been standing at a small wharf for a long time looking at the waves and colour of sunset. I recall the first time I got to such a country style only-relatives party, I was four or five. I couldn’t stand the noise and left the banket hall to draw in the other room. I remember drawing a dolphin while they drunk. Things don’t really change, do they?
Yesterday barbecue was nice. At the morning I refreshed the institute’s site too often to say I was calm. There was some tint of general tiresome and sullen mood. However, I looked better than usual in white outfit. I followed the girls at the market while I tumbled at them among vegetables. I embraced with Jane who looked as usual stylish and natural. And it seemed that she was really glad to see me as well as other girls. There were Nastya H., Katya (with new haircut), Helen with her brother and Masha. The process of purchase was a bit chaotic but had its final with a few bottles of wine, vegetables, fruits and other meal.
As they begun little earlier I wasn’t aware of what’s going on and couldn’t take part immediately. I found out that I had no idea of picnic’s necessities and how to organise eight people with purchases and two cars. During the road me and Nastya H. talked about the news among the college’s people. In a moment we’d been at the other republic on the other side of the river Volga. The mountains of sand and high trees.
I couldn’t control the process, it went on by itself. The Helen’s brother cooked, girls cut the vegetables and watermelon which we ate immediately. Talks were short and distant. I found out that the present habit to make photos and catch the frame faded away and I needed to force myself for doing something. There were wine and bear, bees and wasps. Chaos of disposable tableware and swipe.
We played badminton and I was terrible in that game despite all my tennis background. I have no justification. I still feel like an outsider at the school gym. After lots of meat and wine we played Crocodile, Mafia. Then we changed a place and played as two teams. That was a terror of unsportsmanlike. That was cold and windy when we counted money whole half of an hour. Colours of sun and grass were removed with blue veil of rain. I was so exhausted by sun, meat, plays, talks that the way back to the car was hard and freeze.
Mom called when I was standing by the car, she told that everything was OK. The way home I slowly downloaded the rating and looked through it. I am eighth which means that I will study on the commercial basement but I certainly will. Happy and tired I got to the center with messy feelings.
Yesterday was so crappy day that I have no spirit and order in my mind to write something down. I worked the whole day at the trade center as mom went to the country’s cemetery on the pentecost. It was so boring and labouring, I was a bit upset to sit there with the radio music on the background while I get behind my preparation schedule. I mean that instead of one question for this sunny day I have seven. That was a main reason of my sadness. However, I tried to read the needed articles and had even managed to read up eight page out of thirteen for ten-hour of work. Ingeniously!
Nonetheless, there were some interesting moments with different people. Basically I’d already been tired by deep ignorance and ugliness of people. I see clearly how they are powerless in front of the typical lifestyle problems. To begin with the order in the wallet and finish with the order in the mind. They often can go for shopping without certain intention but the dull desire to waste money. So, there are always people who should complain much more because of some incompetence of mine.
The grinding and unpleasant sense of shame came to me after printing the application forms for getting UK passport. The customers were a local woman with the girl and her foreign husband who was maybe turkish. I knew that such things exist but always respected and prefered to look at people who move on because of the job or education. I’ve got the whole picture of this social group which makes things happen and shakes the world.
The other point which I considered on was the integration of virtual reality into real life and art particularly. I have almost no answers as it concerns to future but touched with the dangers. Soon we can lose the sense of verge between real and virtual. The films and internet are becoming even more close to reality that we can forget which experience was ours and which we got out of the artworks or internet society. And the internet environment itself affects the health of brain as well as cellphones with huge number of notifications and all time news feed. There is too much information to stay smart and able to analyse it. Can people totally become sillier and more dependant on technologies?
Recently I have many questions on how the society works and what is human being by nature. I do (did) believe that people are kind by nature but then they are distorted by social pain. And now I ask either it is true or people are vicious since the very beginning? Questions, questions.
Today is sunny hot weekend and we’re up to the cemetery after brunch.
This is diploma time with no time and any desire to work hard. Sunny bank of the river out of our window seduces us to go out of cartoons and canvas. And we see the glimpse of water and resting people on bikes or worn in dresses. Everybody came outdoors to breath either with light air of spring or fresh painted roads and branches.
The morning stir in the hall made any mind scattering. My tutor F appeared immediately there. His comments were as usual emotional and loud. Most of them had been started with “I do not like it…” Oh, it is very professional, I see. My notices were percieved as some attack. Old story. Unexpectedly I saw him in other light and his power had been ended then. One girl decided to go to home after his notices. And some time after F’s departure Br. came to me with another view, which was more pertain to me and to the whole picture. We understand each other, I hope, more.
Heavy clouds have covered the sky with dim, gloomy colour of grey and blue now.
Maybe spring influences on everything its best way or people immediately became better and decided to for example teach us. I say about computer graphic, what lesson was producive and accessebly and teacher had been calm when was explaining. Certainly spring’s influence hadn’t embraced phylosophy with its not a lecture about not russian phylosophy. I mean it’s not phylosophy at all. That time was the first I didn’t want to speak on this subject. But I have known about Nastya’s position and all the causes of her foreign flags T-shirts and catolic cross. But she more clever than they are accordingly I nearer to her then to seating covered with moss girls who shout about partiotism but still buy clothes from other countries. As nobody debate each other, as everybody has continued routine attitude one another after.
When break had gone F went to the workshop and began put statement. Finally we’ve got a wondeful picture of a modesty man, Homer’s bust, a few drapery, two seats and some books. I worked really concentrated as my ears have been blocked from any real world’s sound.
Evening,when rain had been started, I ran. Radio didn’t work and I only watched at blue distance, red and green trees with constanly shade of violet.