It’s not only raining today but it’s darkening with every hour. I can see it through the window. The whole day I am sitting with the history book, laptop, and cup of tea. Honestly, my mind is rather full of new ideas and some anxiety than the laser focus on the twenty century’s events. That’s why I still struggle with the lack of concentration and understanding. It seems even hopeless now. I feel weak when I want to say “It’s too much for me! I’m sick of history”.
My page at the notebook with the plans for August is almost full. At the finish line, all thoughts are about post exams time. I want some emotional relief after that. Maybe it seems strange to hear, but the main reason for the emotional burnout is my unexpected desire and some ideas for the paintings and more. The last notes at the notebook all are the IDEA ones. The other desire is simple and trivial one – earn money.
One of my coursemates is having a vacation at the seaside abroad. Surely, I could be envy about it but as it was said to my mom “I could make up the better way to spend that money”. I mean education and the development. No vacation while I don’t have a proper professional position and some real constant profits. It isn’t time for enjoying the benefits, it’s time for raising them.
But this evening we actually are going to watch something and go to bed early as we both are tired of such weather and routine.
It’s so magnificently warm and bright on the street, there is so fresh summer air which is talking to all of us to go out, to play something on the grass, to drink wine sitting at the wooden branch and watching the sunset. The image of summer is ahead.
But the morning was distinct because of the greyness of sky and hardship of being there. I did read the papers for the report and happily went out. I reckoned to paint today as it could be the college. There was almost no one at the workshop. Mahler at the headphones and the common stir around. It appeared to be so chaotic and disorganised (as it always is). I tried to be very concentrated and think about work but few times talks caught me.
Nastya didn’t want to explain to me why she hides the type of job her boyfriend (and my course mate) got. She became sarcastic and boasting because of my attempts to recognize. It struck me and I asked her whether she hurts me willingly. Her answer was yes and for some reason, it alienated her. At the lunch, I was sitting on the other side of the table chatting with other girls and then just went out. Afterward, she asked had I really been offended by that. In an artistic manner, I let her know that I don’t offense but change the attitude.
The teacher as always was going from one workshop to another grumbling about the attendance but without real comments on work. There were also talks about films and other stuff, music in the headphones and inner freedom to skip the anatomy lesson (because of the workshop).
This day was full of silence within and without. To my surprise, after the running at the park, I did the study. I sat down and made sketches for mastery. It was lasting long, I forced myself to not to dissolve. But to the lunch time, there had not been many sketches there had been just a few more obliquely drawn ones. Sometimes I can’t believe I need so much time for such a scarce work. Clearly, it has dramatically deteriorated since the college time.
And then, at the pause in my reading the for history report, something pushed me to look at the last Arts Academy exam exhibition. Isn’t it strange to look at the professors’ last names and get that in some different reality they could be my teachers. That is different reality though. The basic visual level is so much better than VGIK’s that it’s unfair to compare at all. However, I do not regret at all about the decisions and ways I go. But sometimes I truly need an inspiration for continuing the study (looking at the walls isn’t an options), sometimes I need to remember that smell of systematic, clever approach to painting.
I mast not to roll down to looking for the lost paradise. The paradise is always farther, it always better in the future. It has more challenges, more achievements and more discoveries than its are now. So, please (speaking to myself), no search of happiness in the past. But there is one thing I can find in the past, it is the systematic hard-working for achieving the best. And I need to fetch it out of there.
The other side of the day is my preparation for art history report. As the teacher allowed me, I took the least artistic topic but greatly interesting one. Magna Carta.
I’m still with the film “Silence”. It came out of the talk with Vlad about the films at all. I couldn’t speak freely and again had no ideas what to say. It’s too difficult for me to express thought about such sacred part of life as faith. I don’t have a habit and carriage. I feel like it’s much more complicated and profound that I previously reckoned it. Therefore, it’s not a time for making clear assumptions on this. It’s time for exploring, it’s time for cleaning a place from prejudices to openness.
It’s not cinematography which made me so addicted to films but ideas and their expression. The questions it raises, the message it sends.
With such mental background, the day went gloomy. I painted a lot and couldn’t find any proper reason in communications. Once I heard that Mary was thinking about dropping out. I went to the canteen with her and asked properly. Her problem is money and lack of real study. My problem is the whole field. That was a strange pleasure of disclosure.
The painting went as usual: girls were roaming to and fro, I was painting most of the time while felt tiresome. Then half an hour before the end, I like a mouse went away the workshop to breathe fresh air of gray streets.
The morning was so beautiful and fresh today. Just a morning at the gym (which is occasionally on the first floor of the hostel) with the calm and enthusiastic female trainer. The whole situation was quite efficient, there were only two of us and a boy, so the trainer could pay attention to us in particular. She showed us a few exercises for a back that I had done wrong before and moreover, it turned out that I had done squats valueless all those months. But then it was a discovery and delight. Nastya besides me helped to get some movement and I did the same for her. Peaceful efficiency.
After that, I had many ideas about life, summer time, purchases and etc. The painting lesson didn’t seem something necessary. I fell in love with the clarity of mind, history, press and books, and the whole idea that all we want to be is possible (just do it!). And as fast as I got it again the ideas and the whole desire to live came back to me. How easy! But there are many things which I must elaborate with my mindset.
Also, I did the terrible thing such as payment for study. In a wave of hand someone’s vacation transformed into a few months of study. Just a magic.
At the painting I went really late, two hours late. The teacher preached me up and tried to convince me that my composition is awful. The arguments were very so beautiful that I write it here. First, the centre of the body is the centre of the composition, second, the long-term professional work at the painting. Super! I was listening to him and couldn’t believe he reckons it enough to be trusted undoubtedly. I do doubt. Since then he hadn’t come to me. And I didn’t want as there wasn’t so much time for rhetoric. I focused and did needed work while others were treading to and fro. That was the greatest idea of mine to cut time for work. The concentration increased and the result was better.
The girls asked for skipping the anatomy lesson and she allowed it. Going to the hostel it was so strange to talk to cartoon art’s girls. Not my tribe obviously. Sasha looked at my food basket I looked at her and there was a gap of lifestyle. I do not disrespect her but her conclusion making process is quite mediocre. No data, no experience but ready prejudices. Some people fit us well some are not. And the background (the same college) doesn’t help it.
After yesterday’s late watching the film, I hardly could get up at usual 5 o’clock. So I went out the hostel a bit late but still manageable to come in time. Leaving the building I could see the two girls who usually go such time. Regularly I come to them and begin to chat about nothing and very fast I have to listen silly reflections on evident things. But today the only perspective of listening their rubbish made me control the speed, look carefully and try not to talk to them at all. That became strange as soon as they noticed me. At the last turn I spoke to them about my history purchases but it hadn’t become a conversation.
At the history auditorium it was dark and the students were sitting with their cellphones. I sat to Nastya but quickly went to turn on the light. Then it was possible to say hi to everyone and sit besides one of the cinema studies’ student. During the lecture itself I felt so happy to think and be able to recognise some facts. So the mist of Russian past is slowly disappearing. That was the best lesson of the day and as a result I had a few leaves of notes and ready plan to read up about the topic.
The only reason to sit with sleepy Nastya at the free breakfast time was my reluctance to go directly to the workshop. That was boring as usual. The first lesson of painting is perfect time to work a bit harder than typically, so I do. Everyone was focused on the set and did what had to be done at the normal study. The teacher’s advice and approach couldn’t touch or influence on me. I didn’t want to go out to look at the evident imperfections to the corridor therefore he said literally “Why you are so lazy!”. Common baby, face up someone’s puerility!
After the insipid lunch the painting went worse. In a moment the case became harder and much more tiresome than before. Music helped a little but I still was in a condition of boredom. The last lesson my main entertainment and food for thought was T. Chernigovskya’s lecture. That was a rain for the dried desire of my mind. Another brain stimulation which proof for me again that I NEED to read clever books and connect with clever people this or that way.
The thought she said at the very beginning and which is so similar to my own condition now, was about her profession. She got the place at the university as an English teacher, but after a year of teaching she was terrified by the idea of wasting her life on lecturing the grammar rules and being bored all the time. So she diverted to Cognitive Science. The evident parallel to me standing in front of the canvas in great drabness forced me to think clearly and bigger. I’ve already got a good an idea, but there is still some doubts.
With the lecture I could turn off the world of vulgar straightforward talking and total distraction. I could laugh at her smart jokes and make quick notes by the way. Look up Schrodinger’s cat. There are so many curious things and not answered questions, there is a space for contemplation. And this make me feel better despite the need for progress in the Mastery.
This is hard and unpleasant to paint at the noisy room with absurd thoughts in the air. Something what makes study so awful. So disgusting. Such moments I feel all idleness of time I kill and see all lost opportunities. The still life which was badly set at the shadow and which my course mates reluctant to modify.
However, I had great yesterday. I did laugh and talk fast with the first year director about the decoration. Still there were senses of hatred in my mind but I could do work in general.
Today I regret that I took the project and will be busy the whole week. Though it can help me to see work by experience and get it all clear.
Moreover, there is election time during which I was out of touch. I am so ignorant in politics and so self-restraint to study it that it’s impossible to lead more than emotional conversation. Where people get time for reading the news? It worries me.
The trial English lesson went good and left the impression of good organised learning. That was exactly what I need – mental work. After you have done something you were eager to do long time everything seems possible. It’s all possible, isn’t it.
Surely I’m not eager to draw the ship, interior cartoons and many furniture details. Though it helps to deviate from self reflection.
Strange time, it’s so hard to force myself to work while all the conditions aren’t good.
P.S. It’s going to be furious time at the festival and study
There was a cold wind at the empty narrow street without with no colour at all. I crossed the road and came in the hospital. I like to face up the new things and it was interesting for me to see the modern technologies at the state organisation. However, mentality of stuff is the same. Short phrases, no officiality. The talks at the queue were more intelligent that hometown’s ones, but the old women were exactly the same kind. I’d got my reference surprisingly fast and couldn’t believe that I could skip three days of study legally. Such a lucky break!
I did some purchases and went home to dive into the work. I turned on one of the favourite series (or the most one) – ‘House of cards’ from the very beginning and enjoyed their political intricacies.
Despite my awareness of all harm which watching the series or film causes to the process of painting or drawing it is the only way to have work done. The point is that I cannot focus on such academics, I begin to reflect, to think through about everything and at some moment I had found myself out browsing Youtube or any other social media without any intention to work again. But once I turn on any plesant movie the situation changes. It’s a trick. My mind half there and half here, I’m not entirely paint the picture and not entirely watch the film. But I do both.
Reasons for such need in tricks can be covered. While watching I unwillingly consider about various things I want to do or learn in my life. Afterward I called mom and saied how much I needed some action, some interaction, communicion, collaboration and etc. In one word, practice and project.
It’s so nice to not to go to fine art studies.
I could complain about almost everything at the institute. To begin with the discipline of the models and finish the attitude to human beings of the teachers. It was psychologically hard to overcome. The dullness of models in combination with the basic limitation of the applicants plus neglectful approach of the painting teacher (I amaze how he managed to become a manager). The way there I had already suffered from the talk with Nastya. She unsuitably asked me questions like “What does it all mean if I reckon photography the better way to convey images?” It was like talking with the utter old-fashioned person who doesn’t have Instagram account and has no idea about modern shifts in visual media. Almost all talks were dull.
Let me explain why. The so called creative people often have their own view on everything but they have no scintific tools for judging about this everything adequately, they use clever phrases to support their simple ideas. To my opinion, the first sign of a silly person is the utter self-confident in their position. Clever people doubt and opened to the new information and ideas. That people are fun but increadebly limited in their view. Moscow is like Cheboksary. The map of interests and vision is Moscow plus suburbs, like Cheboksary. There was no difference in speech, approach and understanding. Life which has place only here and now even with all pathetic words about human mortality. That all looked and sounded like a pose of domestic local people.
I shriveled everytime the boy quoted Soviet films which I could not recognise as you may imagine. But I remembered and was excited my the production design of “101 dolmatins” and Sherlock’s last series. And actually I had had the perfect morning after the vebinar. There was enough time for writing and making up my mind, there were a little people at the kitchen, enough coffee and sweets as well as cold shower and workout. I listened the political programm at BBC en route and felt like a completed person. That was clear magic of shining morning, green trees and British news. There was something in the air.
That was really strange that the neighbour turned on the conditioning and predicted the hot night and then I woke up at the clearly grey morning. There were all signs of storm outside. The only person who amazed was me, others cleaned everything up, swept streets and removed branches. I run at the park and one moment a crowd of martial students run me down. I had such moments only here. Happily I returned to the hostel and did everything calm.
The way to the institute was a bit unusual. The shop was closed at the late morning and I had to pass the construction again. Then I discovered how old the subway really is. The train on the red line stopped three times between four stations, doors squeaked and there was noise pollution all the time. I saw it but didn’t noticed as something archaic.
The workshop as I found it the first minute I came was in mess: stools, easels and stands were placed chaotically on the dirty black floor. The next amazement was the set. I turned the head and saw the woman sitting on the background of nothing. Colours were not harmonious and this is the reason why my first intention was to change it. I almost said something about too light drapery at the stool when I’d pinched myself to stay a humble applicant but not a self-confident no one. There was no difference in viewpoint so I fastly set the easel and removed stuff outside my place. Then the other boy had to replace his easel near to me and also he cleaned the remained rubbish at the corner. And everyone could walk and see the black floor at the workshop.
The process itself was fascinating and hard the same time. I noticed one difference in my approach. Earlier I based painting on dark colours, shadows and had problems with clear light, now I foundate at the light bright colours and cope with shadows. But as I did not really painted the whole year that was a bit hard to stay on previous level.
To be honest, I was irritated and had dark thoughts about everything around me. It was like in Sherlock “Anderson, you lower IQ of the whole district”, the social enviroment seemed me childish and that boy – pathetic. To my mind, they all had no idea of academic painting and how to do it. But I see it from my point of view and I can overlook something without.
I was really happy to leave the art department, look at the books on the second floor and meet Nastya at the escalator. Time passed so fast that I managed only to cook something, call mom, write this and watch really inspiring vebinar on education opportunities. Let’s be frank, now in front of insignificant reality I forget about the purposes and main desires. I should stay myself and consider this all as an investment in future. However, I feel that my patience in doing right things is limited and I need real creativity.