Embarrasment

At the cold, lonely room my hands are freezing and head is under pressure. There is a cup of tea with lemon and lots of pencils around the laptop. I’m to make sketches. And I am to make sketches the last four hours which I spend looking at the old lamps and knives.

The thing which I really want to say is that I feel horrible. Yesterday we went to the studio of our master. That cite places not at the center and I had problems with finding a point. Finally I got it and came in. The flat was small. Or it’s better to say typical. There were lots of clutter like: pictures, paper schedules, old gadgets. The surfaces were full of phone numbers and other quick note. He showed us his heap of pictures for different series and little films. That was huge amount of work which he had done. There were sketches of Celtic patterns, drafts for labels, working drawings for the sets, big sketches drawn in very little detail.

I should be inspired, hyped, excited or anything this kind. But in reality my heart dropped. There were all the proofs about the need to draw a lot. A lot doesn’t mean normal practice, it means great efforts day by day. I saw that and wanted to fade away. Where is my love to drawing? I have not practiced it for a year for some reason and I naively hoped we wouldn’t draw as much as before.

After the show we sat to eat a cake and talk a bit. He asked us about the background and everyone told own story. Mine was boring. He smoked as well as our mate. The kitchen was messy and without any clue of woman there. Many rubbish, broken window and dirty tables. That reminded me common hostel room. But we all laughed and did remarks on the pictures and the basic level of them. I asked him about maquettes and the photographer’s work.

We went out the dark building. I spoke loudly with many ironical jokes. I didn’t feel shame about ignorance in Soviet and Russian films. My songs at the underground are illogical but absolutely mine. And there we talked much too. I confessed to the youngest mate that I want to study to write script and she had the common reaction on that. Outside it was raining. Rain, green grass and orange night-light drove me crazy. I wanted to sing more, to make Nastya declare French poems or to discuss immortal themes. But they were tired, passive and talked to each other closely.

At the dark cold room I was sitting at the bed and considering about that all. I still recognise that it’s not completely mine role in this industry. I can’t breathe freely. For some reason. And I seriously mull over the idea of direction. Yes, the words are terrible, the feelings are not suitable and I have to be grateful instead of this.

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Yesterday was a strange day which I spend on the swollen legs (because of the trip). Before the lunch I took the bus and went to the New Town for scouting. At the beginning that was strange but funny, I took photos and videos of landscapes and trees, tried to run and shoot, move smoothly and make effects. Regular walkers could stare at me strangely but they didn’t. When I left the grove and turned out to be under hot Sun without any hat I’d got it’s challenging.

The way to the field in front of the town’s entrance was hard. The air was dense and fervent. Not having a lunch I felt I could faint any moment. Can you imagine the empty direct street with imperceptible buildings and worn out banners ahead the shops? For some reason I did not perceive any aversion just observing that. Despite my desire to keep up with healthy lifestyle I took a local ice-cream which was really great (not so sweet but creamy with remarkable taste of fresh milk). After that the way up had become easier. I took some view points there and then had been considering how to manage the filming by the river. Unfortunately, everything around the town has the damages by people – some rubbish, broken grasses and trees. We are always quite careful about ecology.fbbe633be1bd648ae27bc576daa91637

The way back I spend just sitting at the mini bus and looking out of the window. Sometimes like now I would be too overwhelmed and unfocused for reading or listening something. I like slowness though there is the anxiety inside. I don’t like too much I like great. But is there any option to manage all wishes but to do more? I don’t see now.

Another pretty Tuesday

It looks like I’m going to forget how to describe my days. Anyway, I have some things to say. Right now I’m at home with the bag ready for another little trip to Moscow. But at the middle of the day I was so absorbed with script writing that I had totally forgotten about any preparation or packing.

The idea which I had since the very moment of listening the newest album of Ludovico Einaudi emerged every time I heard the track. And of course I did plan to do something on it. Yesterday morning I spent cooperating with Helga who seemed to me the most active and ready for experiment person. My pleasure was great to know that she’s in game. The rest of the day I was anxious about every little detail and the whole picture. This afternoon the outline was ready (not perfect but is). Now I have some idea about the hardship and invisible efforts needed for making even such a short video. We hadn’t started the filming yet. But I know we will do it anyway.

The other thing which grabs my intention is kind of international opportunities which I actively look for. To this particular moment I cannot say that I have found something suitable. There are many obstacles and difficulties ahead of me.

I assume that it will never be finished I mean the struggle with own ignorance, fears and without demands. But speaking this way I don’t want to say it’s bad, conversely the overcoming process makes life vital and dynamic. Nobody complains because of the risks and drive at the attraction. Life is something the same. You’ll never get nor satisfaction or achievement without risks of failure and zealous investment into life. I remember the great lines from a book: “You’ll never fail if you know you have done all possible”. Retrieving this phrase from time to time I realize that I do not want to be a complaining and suffering person at the end of any process. And the only stable way to avoid it is to be active and invest time and efforts into valuable things. It’s funny to know that any moment of life you can choice between a few options and it’s a free right to choose.
Oh, I’ve written some pathetic ideas again. That’s all me. I actually like the way of political speech (out of the reality context, of course) and rhetoric, discussions as well as human rights. Oh, I’m really afraid of absolute absences of such things at the institute. It’s never enough for me, there is always a choice between few options.

Remember the old friend

Let’s begin with yesterday evening when I made mom sit down to let me draw her. We talked much about something and unnoticably remembered my best friend at the elementary school who graduates from the Moscow State Uni this time. I regreted that hadn’t gone to the music school. I was offered to enter as the mother of my friend was the director there. But I said straight no. I did so because of the real risk to compete with her and be kinda retarded friend. And mom would compare us and expect something from me. I thought that way and refused. But now I frankly regret that I was so silly and narrow-minded.
cd5280317dcb89db9f7599d70d8df5e4However, I couldn’t avoid the comparison even in that talk. There is something in her eyes which show me some .. you know something like “I’d like you to be the same successful as her”. I remember how she bought me the same chocolate as this girl’s parents bought to her with the intention to make me smarter. (Ha ha it was “snickers”)
I had laughed about people of my course trying to get round the awkward moment of comparison then. It is quiet visible. She graduates from the best Uni of the country while I prepare with effort to be applied.
This morning I opened the page of my state exams to know what’s result for English. It’s 80 out of 100. Little mistakes with listening and writing. Then I looked through the feed and found out that this school friend of mine had expected red diploma with the golden medal. Of course I was glad for her and congradulated.
After a few hours of boring learning of Russian nineteenth century art (which I greatly loved earlier) I couldn’t endure no more. Walking the same way I thought and felt that I terribly tired by mediocrity of the whole this life. It remains so little time before the exams and the hardest thing is to endure the boredom and routine way of preparation. I mean not the creativity but lack of connection and being at home the whole day. And the same time I know that being able to cope with it’s psychological hardship is a part of achieving goals.
I tryed to get an answer on question how she managed that all. And my answer lies in self-confidence, well rounded condition, good enviroment and the clear vision. My coursemate at the collage who turned out to live next door to her scolded her and called arrogant and goal oriented. Another one who went to tennis with her avoided to be called a part of her surrounding. But we were the best friends four years and just connected a few years more.
I still do not know why mom’s reaction or the fact itself distracked me. I know that I need better social enviroment and some more close people. I need to stay strong inside and no repeat mistakes.

Saturday at work

Yesterday was so crappy day that I have no spirit and order in my mind to write something down. I worked the whole day at the trade center as mom went to the country’s cemetery on the pentecost. It was so boring and labouring, I was a bit upset to sit there with the radio music on the background while I get behind my preparation schedule. I mean that instead of one question for this sunny day I have seven. That was a main reason of my sadness. However, I tried to read the needed articles and had even managed to read up eight page out of thirteen for ten-hour of work. Ingeniously!

Nonetheless, there were some interesting moments with different people. Basically I’d already been tired by deep ignorance and ugliness of people. I see clearly how they are powerless in front of the typical lifestyle problems. To begin with the order in the wallet and finish with the order in the mind. They often can go for shopping without certain intention but the dull desire to waste money. So, there are always people who should complain much more because of some incompetence of mine.

3aebe9db2f06222c80cc0635aceaf286The grinding and unpleasant sense of shame came to me after printing the application forms for getting UK passport. The customers were a local woman with the girl and her foreign husband who was maybe turkish. I knew that such things exist but always respected and prefered to look at people who move on because of the job or education. I’ve got the whole picture of this social group which makes things happen and shakes the world.

The other point which I considered on was the integration of virtual reality into real life and art particularly. I have almost no answers as it concerns to future but touched with the dangers. Soon we can lose the sense of verge between real and virtual. The films and internet are becoming even more close to reality that we can forget which experience was ours and which we got out of the artworks or internet society. And the internet environment itself affects the health of brain as well as cellphones with huge number of notifications and all time news feed. There is too much information to stay smart and able to analyse it. Can people totally become sillier and more dependant on technologies?

Recently I have many questions on how the society works and what is human being by nature. I do (did) believe that people are kind by nature but then they are distorted by social pain. And now I ask either it is true or people are vicious since the very beginning? Questions, questions.

Today is sunny hot weekend and we’re up to the cemetery after brunch.

The last state exam ever.

Though I have written today something in English I’m to write more. As usual the morning of the exam day was glorious, calm and sunny. I did my ritually accurate make-up and even revised words and essays.

7b216dd374be906395c16ebccf310ff1It was strange to go at the trolley bus like nothing is happening and it doesn’t matter at all. I had gone a quarter to ten when the whole class was filled. The security guard couldn’t understand the signs at my running boots but then I was greeted with many wishes of luck. I felt myself very remarkable and strange. It seemed like girls were trained like paranoid. That was such an odd sense of calm and even indifference. The observers happened to be better organised than the last time. I had the envelope with many numbers of four and nine which was the good sign.

Then, as you may quess, was the hours of concentration with chocolate and water. I don’t think my writing was good enough on terms of reasoning but I hope the best. However, I did the silly mistake which I realised after the end of the time.

There were so many school pupils in black and white clothes, they spoke with their teachers who waited for them all the time, they spoke loudly about breakouts and possible mistakes. The classical picture of young adults. Frankly I feel very independently and mature near by them. It reminds me how did I try to rebel to be myself despite all dress codes, ready to accept mindset and other. I just felt that actually nothing has changed since the very school, I still try to think by myself and get valuable things. I still don’t affraid to critisise the privicy policy at school (it’s just ridiculous and inhuman to allow such common toilets!) and looks strange working out at the break.

There were really much former pupils at the town, they were everywhere, even at the center which is usually placid that period of time. I took a cup of latte at the nice bar and walked home.

And it’s Sunday

It’s a pleasant windy morning with strokes of light at the leaves and roofs. Everything is so calm and quiet. Mom went to the garden to do some regular service. I was trying to focus on the English textbook but after half of the hour got that I need to express myself.

Let’s feel excited and followed by dreams, let’s be one you want to be. Let’s be honest with yourself and remember to act. And it’s easy to act while you are excited, then you are on the track and love it’s play. My yesterday burst of emotions was no more than a sign of a pit. It’s normal to feel like that but I will do better by overcoming this condition. This is no more than a period of time which I can use or waste. I prefer to use and get a result personal and practical. Let’s challenge yourself and follow the dream with fully came true agenda. Life is too short and cruel to waste it on anger and self-pitiness. It’s time be yourself and do things like you do. Let’s wake up!

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Run-up and work.

It’s not so hot and sunny today this is why people have worn jackets and boots instead of t-shirts and sandals. Mom was late but nonetheless came back home to wear warmer clothe.

I did the storyboard in a very interesting procrastinator way. I had been researching the outlook of crocodile and estimated zoo. Some moment I redid half of the stills to more expressive ones and could really plunge into work. There is no way to do something good or to do at all but be honest with your interest. I think so.

27e21d3f63ef5454b8ffc22aa98b7f25The second part of the day was eaten by the work which happened because of mom’s reconstruction at the country house. I found out it especially boring and ridiculous to sort out the blur photos of the old man or to correct someone’s word file for free. I still have some interest in people’s nature but in the observation way I can forget to break a check or count the sum correctly.

Another point I’ve got is that this type of business is not perspective by nature. We can work hard day and night but the profits won’t rise (regarding the effort). And the reason is the natural limit of growth. I mean that the present strategy (in choice of goods and service as well as place) make it hard to develop (yep, I’ve got the difference between little business and start-up). To get really good profits it’s necessary to change inner quality of product (goods and service) for making it competitive and desired by other kind of people.

Wow, I wrote amazingly many words on one little idea (but could more). When such moments of my practical thinking happen in front of my creative friends I feel a bit awkward. It’s strange to see that ideas of extra creative people are often very unpromising in all ways but personal.

No routine

You know, schedule does not work if you actually have no intention to do things. Typical me. I easily forget about everything important because of momentary stuff. I should leave the way of pressing on myself with the agenda and different “have to”. Yesterday was a free day with many hours for the rest but I found out it fun to finish to learn the history. And I had done that inspite of Sunday and sun. I’m free to do or not to do as well as free to choose between a few consequences.

2e9f556b384d1c218c64d474d5d0ea08Of course, I haven’t become satisfied with couple of things like the surrounding, quality of English study, ability to play tennis and meet with incredible people. I’m not satisfied though I’ve got that the struggle with little tiny irritations during the day is the energy consumer. Small things inundate the life if we don’t have own direction to go on. Basically this all is routine lifestyle. Even tv films are not above this. Art is above, particularly the filtered with time and place one, which survived social wobble. Without culture and art everything seems to have one moment and no more.

It’s hard to find a proper metaphor for this idea. Time goes like sand on the cold beach, but changes happen by strange anomaly movements which modify the direction and stand long time though sand still moves. If I knew molecular biology perhaps I could describe it more clear. The Tolstoy’s picture of the round covered with water drops which always in action is more proper.

I found out myself trying to leave the routine, dusty lifestyle and think globally about lifetime. It makes days brighter.

Sunday

Let’s begin with the phrase “I hate Sundays”. After the family breakfast, tiding up and checking the weekly plan I have usually felt something what female librarians might feel (but not me).

2a204cb3361d3fb978cf014ae48a4bb3I went to the shop for getting the phone case. I didn’t catch the moment when my negligence of outlook invased the routine. I have the worn out three years white fabric bag which is typically dirty, then the red jacket which has three years experience too as well as distressing. The boots and shorts have less practice – only two years. But the blouse what I inaccurately torn today has a great story of four years of trips, lessons and painting study. These all including my typically greasy hair was shown at the big mirror of the chip trading house. It’s not the first day I realise my displeasure of outlook .

The truth is that I have burrowed so deep into the study that I don’t go out at all, I don’t see more people than my mom, grandma and the cat. It was the museum night yesterday but I had got only at night itself. So I hadn’t been in more different company.

I do write this all because of the fact that when I came to the cosmetic shop I was confused. It seemed so hard and boring to look for something among shelves alone in the worn suit. (I found out that better creams are expensive) This is kind of crisis in privite life. Actually this morning mom said me it time to get a boy. What can I say? Of course it’s time. I still cannot make out how girls manage to combine privite and professional life. It is a puzzle for me.