The Sunday has almost finished and it’s a pity. Again there is five days before the next weekend. Tomorrow I will go to Dean’s office to be dissected because of my absence. I will tell that this behavior won’t continue anymore, I will ensure her some way. Maybe there will be their manipulation, pressure on me, tough words, an approach like I’m nobody but a piece of shit and other harsh tricks. It seems to me that it repeats again like I had already had the similar situation. And I actually had at least twice.
I’m tired of languages. Or it’s better to say I’m tired of this type of monotonous, boring, timid study. I feel dead. The Friday’s occasions were the clear signs of the teacher’s unhealthy nature. In parallel, I’ve got that I cannot work for other people at all, I need autonomy and initiation. There is no sense of doing something if I haven’t consciously come to this myself. I’m sick of the system got down from someone ahead. I like to be an initiator of the process (or at least some elements) but not it’s executor.
But I must demand myself firstly. There is no hope, no reliance on the outer world with teachers, systems, and strange people. The only person who is really concerned about my education is me. Nobody cares more.
During the whole day, I am distracted and scattered too many times. There is nobody to shift the responsibility, it’s only I and my complacency. It even becomes neurotically – I refresh DM too often and wait for some news from nowhere exactly like those rats at the lab. Yes, it’s a dopamine game in my brain, I know.
The one curtain solution I found is writing the diary. I mean that school year’s diary with sentences sounded like a report to the policeman. It seems to me that I let time go because I don’t actually aware of own activity during the day. The stream is allowed to just flow away. Many people live like this but wait is it what I always wanted – unconscious life? Frankly, no.
Scientists speak so often about the profits of meditation and streaming writing. Why don’t I try it now? Firstly, here at this blog, I feel like I must write some way which doesn’t include personal, sometimes really boring parts of life and I write rather formally then freely. Secondly, there is just a laziness and fear of discovering something I don’t want to know about myself. (What can it be? Ain’t I so OK?) Sometimes writing is the painful and time-consuming process, which makes me avoid such activity quite often.
But now I simply desire to clear my mind and I can see that those morning pages are too temporal healing. As a girl quoted recently, those who write every day intensify new ideas inside rather than who do it by chance. I want to change my situation with this.
While I was cutting the onions I watched an old documentary about Pozner. You know, to discharge my mind. But during that time, the sharp contradiction I faced so often during school and college time met me again. My grandma went to the kitchen too and was washing and moving something in our three square meters, she was talking some rubbish and expecting me to answer something on that.
The image of Pozner’s early life in the upscale environment, educated people around and variety of tasks around made me feel envy again. Surely, my life is another story, but there is something offensive in looking at wealthy life. I won’t the beauty and freedom of such lifestyle but I regret I hadn’t a possibility to be surrounded by the better environment. And surely, there is neither excuse for me nor a reason for sadness. I just see how things are linked to each other. Past and present.
Another morning at my room with coffee and chocolate.
There is a point I mull over quite frequently. It’s not even a point but the condition I am in. Meaning all this stuff with the study, with people around, all my achievements in social life which are scarce. Yesterday I was watching an interview with Michelle Obama and constantly was being inspired by her position on life. “I’m a captain of my soul, I’m a master of my fate” and “if you can’t control your life, somebody else will do this”. They were so well-balanced, so profound in their approach and priorities. The both said the first thing someone should do is understand yourself. After that, I frankly passed the real psychological test and got a result which is the same time obvious and hidden. I’m an abstract thinker with the creative mind, it’s more comfortable for me to work by myself or with a few people. It also said that such big dreamer can be editors, philosophers or CEO. Fine, isn’t it?
After that, I frankly passed the real psychological test and got a result which is the same time obvious and hidden. I’m an abstract thinker with the creative mind, it’s more comfortable for me to work by myself or with a few people. It also said that such big dreamer can be editors, philosophers or CEO. Fine, isn’t it?
The other thing I truly got out of all this time in the institute is that whatever you want to transform into, you’ll feel happier being yourself. And development is being the best of yourself. Which means being not different but better. It’s easy though it went in a way of disappointment – I couldn’t manage so my connection as it was necessary for success in this field. It’s overwhelming. (it’s not all I wanted to say but my time is over)
It’s the midday of Thursday. It’s under a week before new Moscow epic. Yesterday I wasted my time utterly fruitless. That was a regular burst of ancient subcinsious fears and underestimation. I’ve got caught by the fixed mindset again! While I was rereading the quotes of the book (I mean Mindset) and felt how hard I really is to change your tune on the free and opened. I means the refusal from the most visible images which imaginery, society and education grow up. Again I want to be free out of the judgements and prejudice and just do what I love. I just need to comprehend that this is all my life and I can do what I prefer to do. Nor parents or background should restrain from the development. It’s silly. To say that I hate this enviroment is so easy but completely pointless in order of changing.
I just need to make order in my mind to go to Moscow with the clarity, courage and zeal.
It’s a pleasant windy morning with strokes of light at the leaves and roofs. Everything is so calm and quiet. Mom went to the garden to do some regular service. I was trying to focus on the English textbook but after half of the hour got that I need to express myself.
Let’s feel excited and followed by dreams, let’s be one you want to be. Let’s be honest with yourself and remember to act. And it’s easy to act while you are excited, then you are on the track and love it’s play. My yesterday burst of emotions was no more than a sign of a pit. It’s normal to feel like that but I will do better by overcoming this condition. This is no more than a period of time which I can use or waste. I prefer to use and get a result personal and practical. Let’s challenge yourself and follow the dream with fully came true agenda. Life is too short and cruel to waste it on anger and self-pitiness. It’s time be yourself and do things like you do. Let’s wake up!
The energy level is a strange substance which varies day by day differently. But the constant think is that the late morning means slowness and missing the best creativity hours. The mood of dreams and quietness takes me the freedom for new ideas and flexibity for adapting old for new. It’s easy to forget that the good condition and high spirit is the result of actions and limitations which isn’t allowed to give up. I often forget this and scroll the Youtube feed (how clever it is!).
I can proof that our senses depends on our behaviour as after the moment you decided to be active, smart and creative the tones of necessary power had descended on you. I write such pretentios and boring things as I’ve got that I can do something properly until I record the whole fervol somewhere. Yesterday I wrote about social networks and as a result I refreshed it not so seldom as necessary.
The other point is the inner (not motivation) mindfulness and vivacity. The best rule which I can fetch by this is not dispelling on doubts, fears, endless reflections, but focus on the content, ideas and the actual realisation.
I have just written such nice words but this morning was noticably pointless. I read the unit at the textbook but didn’t learn everything, downloaded some other testbooks which is the treat of me. I scare to have the wrong\not full\elementary material and chase for something more difficult instead of real study. This is the main reason of my delay in history preparation. I’m between a few textbook all of which are not perfect. This so called problem is so silly that I’m going to resolve it right now.
Yesterday I wrote many words at the notebooks but the conclusion had not been made then. I mean the whole my sadness and slowness hadn’t gone to something. But this morning though it was late I went to run with the running playlist. You know that it is hardly possible to think about sad things while you are running especially with dynamic music. So did I. Despite the cold eastern wind the hope of sun and grass filled me inside. Sometimes I just forget about the delight of living and growing up. Writing it differently it is easy to lose the sense of delight. Most people I quess live having such pleasure lost yet. Sun and green colour make things lighter, they help to think in joyful perspective way.
On the contrary, the time table and certain strict demands fight with the joy of growing. As usual. Let’s consider in a light way of development and pleasure of study. I need to take the trudging out and place the philosophy of maximum study (read pleasure). Let’s disclosure hidden ideas, facts and objects. Let’s smile again and be what I want whatever happens, however enviroment is. Let’s live the life of discovering and speaking out. Let’s find out, let’s open and show findings people.
Though it can sound silly but I need to quiet myself. The awareness of my inclination to push on myself at the time like this doesn’t help at all. Conversaly, I drink more coffee, rewatch informational video and look out of the window as I’ve frozen. What a typical reaction on little stress. But to be honest it is very natural process of informing. I am on the verge between informed pessimism to pit. The harsh idea to accept is the necessity of superhard work without such momental frustration and pauses for making it all “normal”.
The other point I want to write is the extra need in better community around. The ideas I can hear from the majority are the self-pity and total justification of passivity and irresponsibility at lives. The one of the most popular reasons of not doing things is age. The home situation is so comfortable that sometimes I forget about the responsibility to develop. It is clear that I need a strong rear and confidence in people around me. My network is really weak and must be improved.
It seems that writing hasn’t helped me to relieve. Anyway, show must go on.
Strange, but it remains only a few days before the exam and I don’t worry at all. I would say more I study less. As usual at the final track is much harder than the very beginning. I want to move forward right now. Study and create different things. As a result I can’t throw away my preparation, but waste a lot of time procrastinating and don’t actually do creative things.
So why do I not prefer to look at russian grammar and literature the last time for years? Essentially this is the great chance to remember the rules (I know them, don’t worry) and to brush up plots of literature. I will have a lot of time for walking and shooting at April, so I shouldn’t give up at the crucial moment. I did so quiet often and always had the same weak result. Remember the composition about symbols or water-coloured composition for graphics. It’s all visible.
So, no weakness, only stubborness and strengh. And I will be proud of myself as I’ll learn to overcome my soft spot. This is the point I should study, I mean staying on track in spite of unwillingness. There presume lots of stuggles which would be easier and better resolved with practice. Practice of persistance and self-organisation. I’m still the beginner at the organisation though know many clever phrases on this topic. What does really make me better organised is focus on the main points and the clear understanding of the reasons and the purposes. That is why I perhaps need to return to morning scribbling. I wrote in the notebook about different routine things which come to my mind instantly. It can be anything without limits or even grammar, style rules. Just stream of thoughts. This is another new point for April.