Certainly, it wasn’t my day at the tennis. A friendly and talkative co-player who had just come back from the vocation at Turkey triggered my strange condition. Sometimes it’s all like school, I feel not cool enough unless I have done something worthy of other people’s attention. In a word, I feel undermined when someone has a “better” life. Analyzing it afterwards I came to an idea that it’s not the facts of someone’s life that drives me crazy, it’s my life is meaningless and colourless what freaks me out. The vague hints of love travel, career promotion trigger something mad in me.
It’s not a surprise that I played bad. During the first game with a new girl, we had (actually, she had) problems with counting. She asked a trainer and he started to explain to me why I was wrong. One moment it had maddened me. It was so obvious at the moment that no matter I do or speak I’ll be on the wrong. Probably I was, but I couldn’t stand another why-you-are-wrong moment. I failed. And again and again. At the end of the training, I was sad and deeply ascertained that my major problem is psychological. Probably I do sabotage myself to fail because, in spite of the desire to win, I’m terrified of being in a spotlight. I’m terrified of the social load it can bring. I suppose that this poison comes from the deep past, someday I can’t remember.
Finally, all I need is worth praise.