The Sun is shining once upon a time. My slowness is all about the preparation or particularly the six days of preparation in a row. I know this all fundamentally good for me but this morning I astonishingly realized that for many years summer time was no more than just a hot time in open shoes. And what is the reason? To say nothing about badly established town’s beaches and parks, which are unchangeable for many years. Every summer I have something to do and that deals obsess me. However, the main reason is not the deals but my strange idea that everyone gets rest, enjoys the life but I still sit over the books and gradually transform into a nerd. That’s what I always was afraid of. And maybe that’s the main reason of feeling strange being at the work table the whole day. Not the summer.
Today is the day of the Republic. It never made me any sense of holiday or whatever. I’ve found the new lecture by Chernigovskya and want to make little shopping.
So, it is a very productive and kind of happy Monday.
I’d been sleeping well the whole night (thanks earplugs) and woke up at time. The workout was good but not exellent, I run only two kilometers on the near streets and looked at the American embassy once again. People were sleeping that time and roads were remarkably empty.
Undoubtedly, it was physically hard to carry the art stuff and two canvas with the palette. At my station the sky was noticably big and opened, trees smelled like, you know, trees, real things. I entered the entrance hall at nine and had to wait until nine fourty. The girls talked about different points of the entrance process. I heard them and recieved that my own attitude is in the course of work. I thought clearly that this is the study time and as usual I would paint the still life and everything after. And this really helps me to focus on the work itself.
We got at the fourth floor late and had no surprise by not ready for work easels. The still life was set beautifully. At the first glumpse it seemed absolutely green and yellow but deep in the process I found out that it had more pink and blue tunes than it seemed. I was absorbed with the painting and didn’t feel tired as it was at the composition. Immediately it became much easier to breath and smile thought the Master didn’t come to me personally and didn’t marked me. As usual many ideas came to my mind and enlighted that time. However, to the end of time I’d felt some tiredsome and hungriness. “Not new struggle” – thought I and continued.
After packing and washing, I met Nastya Ch. by the notice board where she was amazing some people’s marks. I washed hands at the Photography’s floor and went to the canteen. It is the big enough room, with stucco moulding and chandelier. A few rows of tables where more or less interesting people sitted, refreshments at one corner and meal at the other. I took something with meat and payed not so little as it should be at the student canteen. It was basically nice to be inside such creative area.
It was sun and fresh at the center, I happily went to the library to learn history. But sometimes I should remember again that not libraries, not museums work at Mondays. Yes, I went down the beautiful cheerful street instead of study. The construction at the New Arbat is almost done and we can see the empty field of concrete.
So, I am to study some more topics for the interview which I want to pass fun and great the same time.
It is noticably hot day for September during which we could enjoy “last” sunrays of summer. I wore black to go to barber shop. There I found my face very gloomy and unfriendly and couldn’t wonder at quiet hairdresser. Not only my face was thoughtful but senses too. It’s not time to feel boring, but sometimes I do. As the cut had been finished the magic of barber shop turned on and I took ease.
En route to the bank I unexpectedly met Chukmareva. She was as usual light, fanny and pretty. While we were speaking I felt dufficalties at keeping the talk positive, personal. And without so much questions about other people. But I knew by her that girls are at the St.Petesbourg now and they work hard as waitresses. It confused me as evidently they tried more. But maybe my approach would give me better yields. I don’t know. It always confuses me, I mean questions like “Do I do everything right?” “Should I sacrifice with my confort for better chances?” And after quick delibiration I have concluded that I have no need in full year of preparation at SbP. Certainly I have the other way of life. And maybe I will always be doubting what decision would be better for me. So I have already taken the most of decisions and have to stay on track constantly.
There had been dark-coloured winter dreams at morning until mom’s alarm clock rung. I got up immediately and obsereved our traditional breakfast in other condition. “Iron wall” is still here between me and mom. She plays this part in unskilful manner. Harsh tone of voice, ignoring of my advances etc. Very boring and laughful to watch at. I thought about it, of course, more. She’s my mom in fact. But to my own opinion her bahavior is a behavior of a victim of her own mom. She cannot to say her No. And being know enough about my grandma I could say that she is able to bewitch her own daughter. And then mom continues the wrong way she used with dad. Really this all the same situation he was in. Alike reactions and etc. I see in this one reason of coolness between them. This is why I am still not in angry with her actions. Although some warmth has emerged.
This void weekend was for some decisions about summer time. Curtainly I would like to spent time in warm expensive country with friends, but I can’t and nothing really bad is in it. I will spend time (hope so) on self-development affairs like new artistic methods or learning things I do less in usual time. My walk across the town today took me a notification about summer here. Maybe somebody thinks there is a town, but no, this is the huge mistake. During summer this town is a country. Streets are empty, people are out of here (or in air-conditioned offices), events absent, theatres are at vacation. And the list could be continued you know. But I should have been living in this town during two months after entering the istitute. I hope everything will be OK and I’ll do what I want.
Nevertheless summer till it’s not so fervent is wonderful time of hope evoking. You are like regenerate for life with all its positive sides. Feeling like Sun penetrates inside and lightes malice, irritation and sad with warm colourful beam. I look on windows what reflection sky and trees, men and girls in bright t-shirts. There’s something like hope and sense of real life. All the time before I mean as autumn as spring it was so painful state with miserables tentations to be happy. Now when in my eyes are big cities and future I more happy then when I’m in grey lifeless workshop. As it have been all the first part of the day. There is foolish rumours, “bad day” talks and no any art, no any spirit of free youth. Only prospective mums and wives.
Also there is so strange sense when you look on lots art in the world, read about problems and successes but when you are in college it’s like a village without any contacts with real life out of these walls. Allegedly you life two lifes.