Certainly, it wasn’t my day at the tennis. A friendly and talkative co-player who had just come back from the vocation at Turkey triggered my strange condition. Sometimes it’s all like school, I feel not cool enough unless I have done something worthy of other people’s attention. In a word, I feel undermined when someone has a “better” life. Analyzing it afterwards I came to an idea that it’s not the facts of someone’s life that drives me crazy, it’s my life is meaningless and colourless what freaks me out. The vague hints of love travel, career promotion trigger something mad in me.
It’s not a surprise that I played bad. During the first game with a new girl, we had (actually, she had) problems with counting. She asked a trainer and he started to explain to me why I was wrong. One moment it had maddened me. It was so obvious at the moment that no matter I do or speak I’ll be on the wrong. Probably I was, but I couldn’t stand another why-you-are-wrong moment. I failed. And again and again. At the end of the training, I was sad and deeply ascertained that my major problem is psychological. Probably I do sabotage myself to fail because, in spite of the desire to win, I’m terrified of being in a spotlight. I’m terrified of the social load it can bring. I suppose that this poison comes from the deep past, someday I can’t remember.
Finally, all I need is worth praise.
I haven’t gone for either English or Latin lessons today. At the morning I busied myself with Russian History and contemplating on my letdown. Then at the lunch, I tried to cheer up myself and listened to the comedy talk show. That’s why I lost my time and was late for the Physical Culture. However, I managed to talk to a groupmate and change dress fastly. Then there was a counting of our reaction with numbers and regular jog around the hall. During the intensive running I was talking with Kate, she was worrying about expression she makes on the other group mates. She thought they see her as a monster. I saw no point and voiced silly idea about treating them on the Birthday. How calculating can I be!
Farther we did strange exercises in pairs. My partner spoke out a funny thing: What a natural crab you are! When came to my least favorite activity – volleyball, a man passed to us and started selecting for something. I used an interruption and went to other girls, they were playing badminton. That’s not tennis, but it’s near to it. We played a bit when the trainer came and immediately I was playing with her and girls were playing with each other. I liked it a lot! Yes, I hardly managed to be in time, the speed was much faster, but still, it was something I truly love to play in. (Tennis is better though, and the trainer doesn’t know technique)
Surely, I lightened after the training, mind became clearer and soul got a comfort. That’s what I needed and please, don’t mention English homework!
So, I found out that being at home even with the intention to get rest is the worst idea for life in general. Time seems endless and space of the rooms becomes your universe allegedly it is the only option of your leisure. I gave up the habit of being at home after English stuff (gosh, my memory turned out to be so short and fragile – use new attitude).
My list of ideas is long as usual but this time I decided to begin with the photos of texture. The weather condition was so ineligible to walk that from time to time I tried to breathe any air at least to say nothing about freshness. I went to the bay where it had been fun to look for the textures and colours. Surprisingly, I became bold enough to photo people in front and don’t feel shame for breaking their privacy. By the trade center I sung the songs and was a pretty little girl with the camera. I took some marvelous pictures of metal, glass and polyethylene at only one not finished construction of little market.
Frankly, I don’t know enough places here where I could go for reading and writing and I just had gone to the trade center. I do continue to read about social studies despite the fact that the exam passed away. Now the analyses of hippies and yuppies (I can make a mistake, sorry) in history of USA and USSR. Though I’m absolutely ok about reading at public places I had a hunch that there were little amount of people who read something at spare time. There is no passion of book reading at all.
At home I had (and still have) heap of photos to make up and compose in a list or two. I certainly like the projects.
Tennis at the evening went good. Before the beginning I went to the administrator and found out the corridors and the library of the republic’s best school which were quite modern. The head of tennis club amiably asked me about ongoing and recommended to train at the vacation if I can (we all know Moscow’s prices). Unfortunately, there wasn’t a great demand in tennis as I perceived. We had two trainers for four people. The workout itself went normal like nothing but people around had changed. As usual it was easier to breathe freely and even sing some melodies after.
The whole day the yesterday’s first act of Hamlet with Cumberbutch run through my mind fulfilling it with colours and images. The passion for acting and directing is coming back. I want to declaim poems or dialogs by myself. Today we’d watched it fully. Isn’t it strange to feel excitement while so much people pretends to be killed?
Tennis does really relieve separate me from the whole day’s anxieties.
As I woke up early I had seated in front of my diploma report at eight o’clock. That happened to be very productive hours for getting ready. After hot dinner I went to take my frame from the store. Big, but thin woody frame which I carried college through the bay. Unfortunately it didn’t suit to my canvas. Scatter mind, inaccurate measurement and the difference of five millimeteres. Though the price was small and I can order the new one.
The other point I want to touch is relationship. After months being in the hall I had had rises and falls of friendliness to my classmates. And this is fall. My positive notion came to me not so often as usual, I mean the basic idea of this time’s endness. To work on details was so tiresome with sounds of silly talks. Even when we were discussing the banquet I saw how unready some girls was. They told stories of decieve for economy. So trivial and remarkable to understand a nation’s character. That discussion was so louthsome and hard to speak that I was nervous even when was chaging dresses for tennis. But there had nothing remained after the training in the perfect weather condition.
Such a wonderful day of light. Early in the morning there was so tranquill to write and to drink coffee. Then I went out and met pupils in their uniform (so different and stylish – pleasure for my eyes) going to take their exam with bottles of water, some papers and passports. Passing through them and staring on details like pink stickers in notebooks or quiet talks between boy and girl. There was some entire beautiful and harmony what was noticable under the soft sunlight on the main clear road where youth were going to take exam and enter in the other life. I knew exactly that they were from my own school. That was very glarious.
College’s time I begun with some little talks to be in touch with few persons. In fact I was heartily inspired and full of energy to live. I worked on main pieces and details with attention and joyful. Usual negative affection of my tutor receded into background and I could speak little more polite. Thirty minutes three tutors had spend in front of my picture thinking about a frame and ended on my first decision.
At the evening to step at calm staircase and use our own sink blew some nice senses of prettiness. Certainly this time of diploma is excellent. Almost everybody has some work to finish, to finish and close door. That’s why we talk without any tea and still talk as in little time we will be dispelled at different sides.
This is my own sentimentalism with attain to have beautiful life. I remember the whole five years but this final days are so different and so open, so quiet.
Keep silence! Do not frighten glory away!
Also I won the second place in today’s competition of tennis. I’m very very glad! Of course I should not to relax but keep my eye on the game. This is the good sign. (If you saw tennis player in the moment he serves a ball you might note now much thinks flight through his mind)
My tennis trainings are good but still fruitless. Now I have not even tired after two hours in game. The weak group changes a balance of power between players. That is why I am seemed as good here, but still bad for the last group. Present players, unfortunately, aren’t so friendly as my last ones, but it doesn’t matter for me.
Cool fresh air in colour of soft pink and dark blue was at streets when I was going home. That time was for little sad. Arriving by bus from the other court I was learning words, reading or listening book, but now it wasn’t time enough for any of that deals. Just songs of “Florence & the machine”‘s new album.
The day itself was productive maybe because of the phrase I wrote in the morning pages “I want to live a gracious life”. And the neurotic conditions are left in yesterday. Weekends I hadn’t done anything truly fruitful, but walked and looked for a new shorts in shops. Today in fresh air and clear mind something new had been started. In fact still anxiety had returned in the college. I tried to be working until it had gone away. My friendly talks with girls of the other course affected positively on me. Then after the dinner my course had come and I saw them in the other frame. Where they are sitting are shadows and dark colours. Dark colours of dark mind. Nastya tried to learn me “the reality of life” where every dipoma is bought and students will work out of their speciality. Part of that is true, but not full true. I saw them stooped and told each other “everything is bad”. My reaction was not only the irony and slight jeer but also the notion about our basic divergence. Interesting. Their life is their life but not mine. They walk in small group (I was cheated a little with their confidence but then decided it is rubbish for me) and I mix with the other group. Good changes.
The fact is that I will get entrance examinations in the one institute. But not in the still one (Surikov) – VGIK. Now after tremulous weekend I have understood this is good inspiring idea.
After tomorrow visit to cardiologist and her direction to the examination in three weeks I had decided to solve my own problem with method I clearly knew. To run. This morning I run the first time since last monday and felt good. With no my usual expressive fast chase at the finish but with tranquill, soft result what had been. I was OK with no pain the whole morning and almost the all day long. But after breakfast came and boredom. I entirely didn’t know what to do during my free day.
I watched the last film of the Art-House list. That was very thoughful and profound but not so timely for me. I haven’t thought before but I have no list to watch at Saturdays now. Some desires of non-classical film what were suggested by different people. Doesn’t matter.
But the discover of this day was lessons of english which were tought by a young female londoner. Then I found out her another channel, sibscribed and watched some of her very funny or sad videos. I was watching at blue eyes with dark eyelashes and saw the world of persons around her, her life, places she go. And such observation (with british pronunciation) to my surprise is inspire me. She told so simple things about being oneself like one is, about self development in society for introverts (not so useful for me, but for the image I got). And when I got out the flat and breathed an air of spring I had felt a lifeful. The world in my head what is able to become reality. Curtain thoughts were “I should converse with different people more, write and practice in english more, live more and enjoy life being myself more”. English as tennis will be attained with practise and nothing else. And also the way of uncovering own impressions, emotions etc is the way of creativity.
Tennis was incredible good. I played passionately and quietly at the same time. Calm and concentration are necessary conditions to play better. And be easy about mistakes, try new methods and don’t worry.
Being quarreled with my mom about countryside works we are in the different rooms now. It is so usual that I even have no desire to write on this point.
Maybe our unplesant morning with that kind of pressure distort a common mood for the day. I should be work hard on colour sketches and learn a theme for exam. The both of them have been done but not so good as I wanted to have. At midday it had already been a weakness and head spinning, low pressure. The classical package. The “Woody Allen. Documentary” film made me hovering a little with all that real unreality. He said wisely: “The one thing aparts me from the greatness is myself”. Even if it is not meant greatness but something the best this is very true. We are the only obstacle in front of us. (Oh I am so tired with all my pathetic words!!)
En route to the tennis with some reason I thought about death. In fact the day I die will be happened sometimes. Strange thing that I will die but much buildings I like would be on their places. Something will stay here.
Moments I like are when we play good tennis and feel some progress and when I go home so tired but very energetic and alive.
Such a bad first part of the day and more alive end.
I was sitting by the table with a pen and saw out of the window where it was snowing. Like no spring was going to come there. Hardly I had washed the dishes as it was necessary to go to the college. To the additional I say, that was louthsome condition of mine. I listened last year’s english songs pacing across puddles.
I had felt myself immediately worse in the hall. There were girl sitting in a row and laughing at something. In some time my actions had become less than sitting in procrastination. I was sad, bad and hateful about my behaviour. But then I finally got drawn few parts of the cartoon. Senses hovered above Moscow, fashion (new cover of american Vogue), great photosets of the girl from the other course (she is friend of my friend, but not mine), words of Sasha about me and about a rain outdoor at all.
Tomorrow there is the event on Victory’s Day. And first year girls tires so much to make it good. They had even entered in the holly of hollies – the hall to ask us little help.
Tennis’s games made me feel better, more energetic. Heart troubles left me on some time, but even in a trolley bus I got resemble feeling.
Through open eyes I saw an orange colour what had disappeared to the breakfast time.
It was the first day since last thursday when I had gone to the college. I was lost a little of course. The first half of the day everything made me annoyed. Idle talks, seats and net-serfing nonstop. Yesterday I experienced concentration during 50 minutes than a break, and 50 minutes else. That way I had done the pre-cartoon for four hours. In the college (as I afraid of) you should communicate with people more than it pertaining to useful process. Understanding of our not resemblence in approach to work made me feel ease. There was no real matter.
My deed of diploma got it moving. Sketches were discussed in detail with Br. and then during the whole day I had been drawing the new sketch with pencil. Finally after some correction it was approved. This case could be called a miracle because of the fact of Britvin’s agreement. I call. Tomorrow I am drawing the cartoon in full force. Is there somebody really know how glad I am about it? Than it will be tornments with drawing and painting, with light and colour. But afterward I will stand in a graceful dress near by my picture with sense of dignity about that.
Now there is some kind of chase with time I need. It would be great to play tennis on mornings though three times a week (I play only two). In the game there are a sense of life, passion and profound notion about life.