It is silent in the room. I have remains the excitement in my head. It tries to think big. Pathetic films allow me to hover above the routine and ponder about life. Immediately things like a choice of bread or fish become pointless. Such rubbish doesn’t matter. I try to fumble an approach to life, the majors are somewhere in the air. I need to catch it. I need a big view on everything, I mean really big not just perspective in the frames of my own life.

Too long I was thinking in limits of my own life, of the practical questions. I want to be myself, to like what I like and not compromise with people. I don’t like outer “trying” to understand in order to be confirmed by society. I won’t “accept” things I do not accept. Different people, different opinions, tastes. I mean I won’t fake acceptance.

The main thing I want is to live my own life, not someone’s else. It certainly contains theatres, films, and other arts, it contains that emotional impact attempts to understand, estimate things through thinking. And I shouldn’t be ashamed by my obsession with fictional feelings, abstract and unpractical matters. I shouldn’t feel any shame for my positive feelings about minor things, however strange or antisocial it looks like. That’s me.


Being not academical

Sun shines today too. I was walking to and fro the points with energetical music and watched at the asphalt as something beautiful. People looked at my camera with dump faces as usual.

At the english I made out that I’m so slow and clumsy to consider about tasks. Why is it so? The speech is really affected with a lack of listening and reading. She felt it. We spoke a lot about information we get through TV and internet, did some simple listening.


Now I feel a gap in myself to be fulled. This gap is tiresome, boredom and slowness. This is not what I want to be. So I should focus on energy, enthusiasm and quickness. Maybe at the end of exam I would be so thirsty to do real things that first week transfored into week of passionate workoholic. Watching at the moscow bridge today I rememebed good moments of college’s life I could call “life”. I considered: life is when you are washing your brushes (something like this), observing your outcome¬†and think that tomorrow you’ll do it another improved way. You discuss it with people, find ideas and feel meaningful. Work part of life should look like that.There is a turn on my way, I feel I have to transform.