3 Junuary

This is the third day dyed in colours of the interpersonal conflicts of Star Wars. In the morning I had hardly done my exercises, mom switched TV on and I couldn’t tear myself away from the screen. I was watching an old cartoon from my childhood, today they seemed funny and ridiculous the same time. The characters appeared to be slow-witted. But it’s a good memory at least.
I went out for some case at the day, there were hardly some people on the street. Ice covered all the roads making it tough to pass and not fall. After that, at home, I still couldn’t get those thoughts out of my mind. I did my English homework, downloaded music and had a lunch. But simultaneously my mind was wandering around thinking about the characters’ motifs, their perception, reactions, their behavior and possible future actions. My mind tried to foresee a new script with twists and certain scenes. That’s exhausting.
The strange activity recovered me a bit. It’s a search for a sofa at the trade center. Mom and I were going through the shops, sitting on different sofas, wondering about the prices or quality. There were some great sofas for the huge price. When we ate rolls at the food court I confessed that I don’t remember last time I cared about fictional characters so much. She asked something and then tried to change the topic and raised the question of my Moscow study. I dodged from an answer.
At home, I took a bath and dissolved all my thoughts and images in water.

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There is something odd going on with me. I started to miss all the painting staff like plain air and sketching. Many ideas come to my mind unwillingly. Maybe it’s Mary who evokes that spirit in me. But this sense makes me feel so stupid and inadequate. The sense of perplexity becomes even bigger because of it. Should I give up the plan and come back to that work though I was there so much time and hadn’t become a star? Someone must know answers. Someone must.

Today I couldn’t struggle the reluctance about Basic English (which is really basic and boring) and went out home late, walked on the street made photo and felt terrible about that. The weather was perfect, blue sky and lots of light everywhere. Like a picture. However, slowness and perplexity make me feel such disgust that I can hardly bear it. Stupid!

That’s not the type of life I was going to have. All repeats again, all those needs and lack. It is not a surprise but my inner critics question me about such stagnation more and more frequently. I like process, progress, and results. So I need it like an air. And surely I am a work-oriented person and it’s one of my main priorities which I must manage.

Again H

Certainly life isn’t a monument what disable to move without disaster of its own. I feel life like a water stream passing through stones and junctions. An awareness of ability to change your life as an awareness of reality of another ways give me some freedom. Basically I say freedom of change gives me happiness. Time goes so quickly than it doesn’t really matter. To life live what is matter. Now I understand again than not at all happiness is a result of aims and achievements but your inner sense of your own life.

H

Happiness it’s when you know about people who better than you in different parts, you know about major of perils around you like war, killers or wicked men. You know about presence of dark side in life but also you know that you are yourself. You’re the one in this single life. No life is better than your (problems are with everyone) and you have everything to be happy, to make your favourite work, to read books you like or watch pictures. You’re free. Despite of news are bad, snow is still white and soft. In this world there is some second layer what saves things are constant. Mona Lisa would be smiling even if one deceived another. Only decorates change in time. No one is able to humiliate you if you don’t do it.